The fifth season of RuePaul’s Drag Race starts off in spectacular fashion, with fourteen Queens battling it out for the top prize: 

• Detox is a singer, dancer, and namedropper.
• Roxxxy Andrews is a pageant girl who knows Detox from back in the day.
• Jade Jolie is an absolutely gorgeous little slip of a thing.
• Serena Chacha is an arteest and makes quick work of annoying Detox and Roxxxy.
• Alyssa Edwards is the dethroned Miss Gay America.
• Jinkx Monsoon bills herself as “Seattle’s youngest MILF.”
• Penny Tration won the web vote to get a spot on the show.
• Vivienne Pinay is a glamour girl.
• Alaska is dating last year’s winner, Sharon Needles.
• Honey Mahogany is the poor man’s RuPaul.
• Ivy Winters is a former clown who excels in making costumes out of junk.
• Monica Beverly Hillz is a pretty little thing who prides herself on giving good face.
• Lineysha Sparx is a fierce, angular Puerto Rican queen who lets out a “Wash out, bishes!”
• Coco Montrese is covered in leopard print.

Right off the bat, Alyssa and Coco get into it over a pageant that tore their friendship apart. The hair pulling and name calling is interrupted by Shemail!  Ru tells the ladies that they are expected to “fake it until you make it,” before makes his entrance looking insanely handsome in an ice blue suit. He explains their first task, which is an old Hollywood glamour underwater photo shoot a la Esther Williams.

Jade goes first and gives the camera “Helen Keller drowning realness.” Roxxxy’s up next and gives good glamour. Detox’s top falls off so her photos are “arty,” and Serena shows everyone the bits and pieces with RuPaul exclaiming, “I can see your seafood platter, your paella is showing!”

Alyssa’s hair is a mess and…Queen down! Jinkx doesn’t know how to swim so lots of splashing, very little glamour. Penny dives in and pulls a lovely shot. Vivienne is all sorts of gorgeous. Alaska looks baked and climbs out before getting the shot. Honey is amazing, Ivy looks like a freak, and Monica can’t quite coordinate the dress thing. Lineysha has both grace and style, whereas Coco looks more Hasselhoff than Anderson.  

After a bit of degragging, the snickering starts in over Detox’s obvious plastic surgery. Also, Jinkx has narcolepsy, so that’ll be interesting. Then, RuPaul announces the winner of the underwater challenge…Detox! I guess taking your top off works for drag queens, too.

The next day, RuPaul promises the ladies a Beverly Hills shopping spree which turns out to be a dumpster dive hosted by Camille Grammer (because nothing says trash like a Real Housewife). The dumpsters are filled with…miscellaneous stuff, and the challenge is to create a Hollywood red carpet couture look out of anything they find in the dumpster. Oh, and they have one minute to gather materials.

Grabbing, tearing, ripping, tossing…and everyone wobbles off with a bag filled with le garbage.

Back at the workroom, clothes, wigs and makeup come off. The first one naked is Alaska, and everyone can see Russia from his house if you know what I mean. There’s a lot of duct taping and glue gunning and sequin sewing, except for Serena who is sketching in slow motion.

When the outfits are complete, there’s lots of makeupping and the drawing on of cheekbones. Suddenly, Serena belts out a high-pitched tune. This works Detox’s last nerve. Vivianne also gets into it with Serena, and Jade jumps on the bandwagon as well. In other words, Serena is not making many friends.  

It’s time for the runway show! Roxxy Andrews is up first with a sexy back number that’s a little bit hoochie with a splash of glamour. Jinkx Monsoon is wearing an aqua Grecian costume with a bizarrely located butt pouf. Detox is in full on sparkle mode with a backless magenta sequins number, and Ivy Winters looks uber-glam in a long red gown and a blonde wig. Honey Mahogany is in gold crinoline and Jade Jolie sashays in red sequins from the Hooker Collection. Alyssa Edwards looks like a vixen in a dark, feathery outfit. Penny Tration moves down the runway in a boring magenta number that shows off her massive booty. Coco Montrese works an outfit that includes bullhorn boobs, while Vivienne Pinay looks absolutely gorgeous in a short gold dress. Alaska sports a gown that looks stunning, considering it is made out of garbage bags. Another glamour girl is Lineysha Sparx in an impressively pleated number made out of wallpaper. Monica Beverly Hills looks very hoochie while showing off her long, long legs. Sereana ChaCha wears…I don’t know what it is, sequined lederhosen?

Ru sends half of the ladies out and what’s left is the best and the worst. Roxxxy’s black number gets high marks, as does Ivy in her red dress. Jade receives compliments on her voice, but not her dress because she junked it up too much. Nobody likes the cut of Penny’s dress, and her makeup is too dark. Alaska’s plastic garbage gown is top notch, and the judges praise Lanaysha’s dress as “elegant.” Serena’s outfit is not good. The shape makes her look like a boy, and her makeup is entirely the wrong shade. Oddly enough, nobody mentions her wig, which is bordering on Rat’s Nest.

And the winner is…Roxxxy Andrews! Lineysha and Jade are Jade safe, and Serena and Penny are up for elimination. They get one chance to impress RuPaul—they have to lipsync for their lives to Party in the USA. Oh gawd. Serena is a mess, but Penny is galumphing around. Oh my gawd! Serena drops into a split! She’s got this one locked up. Poor Peggy. This just is not her song. There’s no contest, and Serena gets the Shantay, You Stay. So the web favorite Penny Tration is the first Queen out.

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