Revolution Recap: Why Am I Still Watching This Dreck?

That’s a very, very good question. I don’t know. Maybe because I’m an idiot, but not a quitter. Or maybe I just care about the hundreds tens of readers who are waiting with baited breath for their next recap. But whatever the reason, here I am and here it is, another truly terrible episode of Revolution.

We open eight weeks after the blackout. Miles is telling another Army dude about his plans to walk to Chicago to find his brother. The friend, Jeremy, is apprehensive but goes along for the ride, er, walk. That reminds me, I haven’t seen a single person on a bicycle. Doesn’t everybody have one? Or know where to find one? Or, dare I suggest, build one? I would think the bicycle building business would be a booming economy in a world without electricity, but for some reason everyone chooses to walk.

Anyway, back in the future, Nora takes Miles and Charlie to The Rebel Base where she is greeted by Nicholas, who is very excited that Nora got a rifle. He tells her that they’re in trouble, and it’s bad. And he’s right! Inside there are people with really horrible special effects makeup. The blood, it’s bright pink. The gauze, it’s entirely too neatly wrapped. Oh, the horror! Terrible Television Bonus Points: Nora’s makeup is absolute perfection, despite the fact that the last Sephora closed fifteen years ago.

Somewhere out in the woods, a man with a lot of fake blood on his face is being tortured for information on the location of The Rebel Base.  He gives up the location like a strumpet on the street corner.

The neighbor and the girlfriend find Grace’s house. It’s empty, and not in a good way. They find the upstairs where the computer used to be, and the neighbor recognizes all of the smashed up computer equipment because Coincidence! He used to work for Google! He suspects that Grace had electricity because who would build a computer unless they had electricity? A nerd?

The Rebel Base is under attack. A hail of bullets rain down on them. More fake blood. The Rebels are fighting back with sharp shooters, but Miles is digging at a cement wall and actually says with a straight face “We need to Shawshank our asses out of here.” During the attack, Charlie and Nora find time to braid each others’ hair and talk about boys while they make pipe bombs. “Nora, why are you doing this?” “Oh, there was this boy, he was so dreamy….”

Miles and Nicholas are almost done Shawshanking the wall when their tunnel collapses. But it doesn’t matter, because the militia start coming in through the roof. There’s more kung fu fighting, lead pipes are swinging, everyone has a sword, and Miles sees his old army buddy, Jeremy. “This is Miles Matheson, Commanding General of the Monroe Militia, second only to Sebastian Monroe himself. You taught me everything I know.” ZOMG! Major plot twist! It’s a shame that I stopped caring [checks watch] two and a half episodes ago.

Charlie’s confused, which means the characters get to explain to the camera. Miles’s soliloquy goes something like this: I know General Monroe. I was in charge of the whole militia. I killed fathers and sons and husbands. I trained them, and they are brutal and smart and ambitious because of me. That’s why when you see them coming, you don’t fight, you run.

Nick’s plan is to charge out the door and whomever makes it, makes it. Miles suggests a trade. If Jeremy lets everyone go, he will turn himself in to Jeremy who will be a hero. Everyone reluctantly agrees, and Miles toddles off with the militia. Jeremy says Monroe wants Miles because he knows something about flipping the lights back on, but Jeremy is skeptical. As they approach a bridge, someone up ahead trips a wire and kaboom! Magically, Nora and Charlie are there and set Miles free. After a little bit of sword fighting, Charlie takes her bow and arrow (which we haven’t seen since well into last episode) and Katniss Everdeens a bridge with a flaming arrow. Big kaboom!

Two months into their journey to Chicago (or six months after the lights went out), Miles and Jeremy find dead bodies on the side of the road. They then see two men kicking the crap out of someone. Miles steps in to stop the assault and ends up shooting them, saving the life of someone who I think is General Monroe.

Meanwhile, the neighbor is trying to piece together a computer out of Legos, Silly Putty, and gumption. The neighbor tells a story about how he was beat up in the fifth grade but it got better when he grew up. He had everything he could have ever dreamed of, and then the blackout happened, and it went back to being one big schoolyard again. Then, the pendant lights up and the electricity turns on. Music. iPhones work. And then everything turns off again.

And this raises one big, important question: Who in the hell carries around a nonfunctioning iPhone for fifteen years? And is the battery life really so good that it’ll just power up a decade and a half later? Okay, that’s two questions. Two very important questions which I am certain will be answered in next week’s episode.

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