Rachel Zoe Episode Maj: Ah Mah Gaht

Last week, Rachel infested my beloved New York City. This week, she has retreated back into the warm embrace of Los Angeles.

We find Rachel in the kitchen, plucking miniaturized clothing out of bags. She calls them Gucci and Blueberries, and they are for her infant son. But lest ye judge, it’s all good because she “gives away” so many baby clothes. Can you imagine going to a Salvation Army and finding a pair of Baby Prada Loafers? That would be so Maj.

Here are some things that were said by Rachel Zoe and the people who surround her:

  • Ah mah gaht, ah mah gaht don’t get in an accident!
  • Ah mah gaht there’s stars. Are we on the walk of fame?
  • Ah mah gaht. President of the United States! Whoo whoo whoo whoo!
  • I’m trying to style someone, like me, in all the different scenarios of my life, so that’s weird and uncomfortable for so many different reasons.
  • It’s kind of about me, but I’m not in it I don’t think which, I ‘m happy about I don’t want to be in it.
  • I think the rules have changed if there even are rules anymore. I mean, you’re in leather pants and a sweater.
  • I want women to look at this story and be like oh okay, maybe I need to try a little harder.
  • That was like the largest thing I’ve ever seen in my life, that was like a football field on the wall. What’s that other gorilla? Hong Kong? King Kong.
  • I am Rachel Zoe. If you wind me up, I will go.

Rachel’s company has 30 employees in a 15,000 square foot office and they literally cannot move because it’s so cramped, even though I’ve never seen more than two people in her office at any one time and it’s not like anyone weighs more than a breadbox.

Rachel is doing styling for a photoshoot for Elle Magazine and it’s supposed to be about Rachel but not really about Rachel, so she steals a Miu Miu coat because in the end, it’s all about Rachel. She dresses up a model like a “business woman” which means a micro mini and hooker-height heels. There’s also a short red trenchcoat which I think is an outfit for a different kind of “working woman.” And then, Ah Mah Gawt, the photographer wants to dress up Rachel and take her photo. She puts up the tiniest bit of a fight before putting on a shirt with huge drapey armholes that show a tremendous amount of side ribcage. Side ribcage is what side boob used to be, before it gave up carbs.

Marisa is the director of brand partnership and leading the charge to make Rachel Zoe the face of Jockey underwear. Because when I think of Jockey, I think of leftover string cheese. Rachel’s driver brings her to the wrong studio for her Jockey photoshoot. When Rachel finally arrives, her assistant apologizes about a dozen times even though she had no control over the car.  There is a discussion about types of bangs, and another assistant loves them so the bangs stay. There is a wind machine and environmentally friendly aerosol hairspray (seriously, you’d have to be the stupidest person in the world to use aerosol anything nowadays).

Next week, a fog rolls into a photoshoot, as dos a man with a British accent.

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