Sweaty, Hotty and Grumpy

I come to Last Resort a virtual virgin – I have literally no idea what this show is supposed to be about, but Scott Speedman and Andre Braugher are on it, so I am willing to give it a try. Resting on the laurels of Felicity and Homicide, how can the show go wrong? I will pair it with a nice Sauvignon Blanc. And be warned, I am not investing in learning any character names yet.

Opening scene? A zodiac full of Navy SEALs speeding out into the open ocean…looking for a ride. A ride on a submarine.

A submarine staffed by the most improbably well-groomed and good looking squids (squabs? swabs? submariners?) you can imagine. The uniforms are so tightly creased and pressed, it looks like they shouldn’t be able to sit down. Oh thank goodness, Robert Patrick is here to lend an air of grumpy, wrinkly-faced reality to the show. I predict he will be dead or gone very soon.

After some extensive touring of the ship – intended to introduce us to the crew and their light-hearted banter, and the revelation that there are WOMEN on board! Ta-dummmm! Hot women in tank tops and ponytails, who like leather jackets and dancing to La Bamba as the ship crosses the equator. Sweet! Feminism in action! Women can be jackasses just like guys, plus we get jokes about racks! (FYI, on a sub, a hot woman is called a ‘divs’. We are here to educate, people! I really hope that they use some real submarine slang because that would be wobble.)

Anyhoo, forget the banter, forget the hotness…we just got an order to go nuclear on Pakistan. Immediately, everyone looks Sweatier and considerably more Serious. We get a lot of Serious Actor Face at this point.

And suddenly we’re in D.C. following a Ryan Gosling doppleganger chasing a hot chick in a red dress that couldn’t conceal a quarter through the type of apartment that exists only on T.V. shows while she indulges in the kind of improbable sexy/military/science-y monologue that also only exists on T.V. Apparently, she is talking about the submarine we’ve been watching. The plot thickens, or maybe just congeals.

Back in the submarine, it is discovered that the nuclear orders came from the wrong channel! In the spirit of Noble Captains everywhere – Picard being my favorite – Captain Braugher rebels! They WILL NOT FIRE THE MISSILES! Why? They can see that Hannah Montana is still on the air! Don’t question this, it makes perfect sense to the people on the T.V.

We are under fire! We are going down! We look even Sweatier and more Serious as we brace for impact!

XO Speedman gets wet rescuing one of the SEALs. Thank the baby Jesus. His face was basically constructed to have water drip off of it, no lie. But oh no, he loses the picture of his wife that he carried with him always and everywhere.

Wait. Now we’re in… Hawaii? Fiji? Somewhere tropical where people with accents are discussing the missile that took out the submarine? I think? More scientists? Confused. Introduce the Mysterious Local Black Man who makes cryptic statements. Yawn.

Now we’re back on the sub which is stranded on the bottom of the ocean. Hot people look shocked that they were shot by their own people. You rejected an order to fire nuclear warheads, are you really surprised? Robert Patrick looks even more rumply and grumpy than EVER BEFORE IN THE HISTORY OF TELEVISION.

More sweat. More Serious Actor Faces. Yelling. Captain Braugher is back in charge, and then….Cut to Scott Speedman’s wife answering the door….Cut to Hot Scientist Chick pissed that some experiment of hers was lost on the sub. She’s accusing an Admiral of sinking his own sub and his own daughter! Ta-dum! Serious Actor Face!….Cut to Scott Speedman flashing back to his wife, who wanted him to RUN AWAY FROM THE SUB!….Back to the boat where Hot Chick Admiral’s Daughter interrupts his daydream. Blah, blah, sexual tension….Back to Island Scientists! (I just noticed how much sexual innuendo there is on this show. Which distracted me from the fact that they are watching nuclear warheads speed towards Pakistan. I guess there is a war happening after all, despite Hannah Montana.)

Finally, we are back on the sub where Patrick looks disturbingly happy about this war. Andre Braugher says a string of confusing sentences, and suddenly the sub surfaces at the tropical island where the Mysterious Local Black Man watches from a table with his disreputable and extremely sweaty looking friends. The submariners immediately take over the island with military precision. We don’t know why they are in charge of the island, but the Island Scientists don’t stand a chance and lose their science-y equipment.

Oh goodness, there’s that girl from Dollhouse. Hmm. Okay. I hope she gets to show off some of her ninja moves.

Back to D.C. and the Admiral. He gets a call from the sub and breaks down. What kind of Admiral is this? Oops, one who is losing his job. Ta-dum, the mystery deepens.

Back to the island. Mysterious Local Black Man confronts a Navy SEAL. In a bar and in the worst piece of writing yet, says ‘this is my island’ and demands ‘terms and conditions’. The SEAL counters with killing Mysterious Local Black Man with a pencil and his Hot Serious Actor Sweaty Face.

Cut to Scott Speedman’s wife getting a call from her man, with Suits lurking in the background on her end and Island Scientists lurking in the background on his. Then…Power outtage! Is this Revolution? Ooh its a mutiny!

Oh never mind, Hot Chick Admiral’s Daughter shoots the mutineer. He made some sexist comments earlier and needed killin’ anyways, so no biggie. Lets head back to the sub. We need to set off some missiles y’awl! Protect the island!

More Serious Sweaty Actor Faces, all over the place, and D.C. is the target! What? So confused.

Additional Sweaty Serious Actor Faces. Noble death speech. Blah, blah, blah. Bombing D.C., and Captain Braugher is serious! and has now bombed the U.S. Are they terrorists? Heroes? Batshit Crazy? Serious Sweaty Actors?

We are left with no answers. But there is a lot of Sweaty Hotness to be seen here. Messy, inexplicable, confusing, Sweaty Hotness. I’m willing to give it another episode….if it lasts that long.

by