Terrible Television » Million Dollar Shopper

Million Dollar Shoppers Season 1 Episode 6 – Finale

misslinda — Sat, 16 Nov 2013 01:10:57 +0000

Barbet is meeting with Jennifer who is a professional shussher. You might remember her from her small screen debut, Shushing Amy. To make things even more awkward, Gregg and Tayler arrive so that both teams can shop against each other, in a cage match, to the death. Jennifer is looking for a “fun, great look” for a Hamptons party. And don’t forget—Jennifer does not tailor clothes, no black, absolutely no accessories, nothing other people having the same outfit, and she never pays retail. Might I suggest a slightly used birthday suit?

Jennifer shows off her dress collection and it’s all cut down to her knees which makes Barbet a little squeamish. Whatever, Barbet. Just go home to New Jersey. Gregg and Tayler have this one in the bag. The dynamic duo meet the great and good Vivienne Tam at her boutique and I’m more than a little bit jealous. My very first little black dress was a Vivienne Tam and I wore it until it no longer fit, which, sigh. It happens to the best of us.

Barbet is not paying attention to her client at all and insists on getting a plain dress and then snazzing it up with accessories. After that clear misstep, she is off to a sample sale for moderately priced frumpwear.

Derek is in the suburbs to meet Gianna Palminteri who is the wife of an actor nobody has ever heard of. Gianna is shaped like a potato and has a builder’s grade house accessorized by Pier 1 Imports. Her closet overflows with sparkle and sequins and dingle dangles, so Derek goes shopping for her in Westchester. The dresses are so My Son’s Bar Mitzvah that I can’t even take this seriously. Derek’s day ends in a consignment shop in New Rochelle, which is about the saddest thing I’ve ever heard.

Ooh! A trip to Jeffery! Gregg and Tayler meet up with Jennifer to make sure that they are headed in the right direction. She refuses to try anything on because she is currently taped into her dress. Erm, is that something people really do? Tape themselves into a dress?

Barbet does a check-in with Jennifer and immediately violates the No Accessories Rule. Everything is all sorts of wrong, so Jennifer checks out and checks her phone. After the meeting, Barbet regroups and shops for looks that she has already seen in Jennifer’s closet. Then, like magic, Gregg and Tayler appear, and Barbet calls them Kurt and Courtney Cobain to their pretty faces which they do not appreciate.

Derek arrives at Gianna’s house where he cuts all of the sizing tags out of the dresses because she still thinks that she is in the single digits. Gianna tries on a sequined dress that shows way too much of her red carpet if you know what I mean. So Derek puts her in some slightly, and I do mean ever so slightly, classier clothes in the hopes that she stops with the sparkles. She buys it all, so Derek is a happy camper and Gianna possibly no longer looks like a hooker’s tired aunt.

Gregg and Tayler pull over on the side of a road to change into their Hamptons outfits for the big presentation because they are pros. Barbet is already at Jennifer’s house setting up her gear. Jennifer packs them all into the smallest room in the house to review the dresses. She agrees to try on a few of Gregg and Tayler’s dresses, so that’s a good start. Jennifer nixes some of Barbet’s pieces due to nipples and Brazilians and then starts trying on outfits. The first dress makes Jennifer look like a cadaver, the next one is too short and “unsophisticated,” the third is gorgeous and cute and fun and I want that dress. Of course, Jennifer hates it. Oddly enough, Barbet likes it even though it’s not her pick. There’s a black jumpsuit and I think poor Gregg had to hold down his lunch when Jennifer flashed him her sad little boobie. Jennifer isn’t taking anything, so Jennifer can shove it.

Then, Gregg and Tayler give it one more shot and meet Jennifer in New York for another round of abuse. She is willing to try on a Missoni halter dress which looks fantastic on her, and she loves it and buys it and Gregg and Tayler earn a commission that won’t buy anything good from anywhere.

Million Dollar Shoppers, Episode 5: This Isn’t Brain Surgery, It’s Fashion

misslinda — Fri, 08 Nov 2013 21:09:12 +0000

Barbet is off to the Hamptons to track down her new client, Devorah Rose. Devorah is the editor-in-chief of a fake magazine about the Hamptons, which means her husband is rich and lets her pretend to be useful. Herve Leger! Drink! Devorah no longer has time to shop but is hosting an event for a sickness charity. Eew, eew, eew! Are you seeing Barbet’s shoulders? What are they doing? Folding in on themselves? She loves a client who loves a jumpsuit, and Devorah has a budget of eighteen grand. That’s nine grand per pants leg, people!

Derek is also in the Hamptons to meet a new client, Andrea. She teaches older women how to be fabulous forever. She wears her dresses inappropriately tight and sports a bikini that shows off her surgery scars. Andrea has been sucked and filled and stretched beyond recognition. Anyway, she also needs an outfit for a sickness charity because it’s really important to spend a lot of money on clothes to attend a fundraiser.

Oh look! Amy is also in the Hamptons. No, wait. Her client AndreaOfElegantAffairs is on Long Island, but this is definitely not the Hamptons. This is, like, maybe Melville. She’s a caterer for Hamptons parties. So…she’s the help. Aww, Andrea is still single. I wonder why. She has a rack set up of things that were purchased at TJ Maxx, including several Ralph Lauren rayon sheath dresses. What she wants is a signature look, which is a weird way to approach shopping.

Barbet shops for Devorah’s outfit and includes a black leather jumpsuit and some hideous Nicole Ritchie accessories. I look forward to this failing spectacularly. Ha, Devorah is a veganish-type so leather is out. Good luck with the shoes, Barbet. Ahahaha, Barbet is shopping in Rye, New York! It’s where all of the trendsetters shop nowadays.

Derek goes to Scoop to shop for Andrea’s charity event. I don’t understand. Can’t Andrea just go to Scoop on her own? Herve! Drink! No wait, it’s Herve Leroux, does that count? He meets Andrea for coffee to show her some of his picks. She is not blown away. She wants hot pink. Just give her hot pink.

Amy arrives at Andrea’s house on the obviously south shore of Long Island to put on a fashion show for Andrea’s friends. Herve Leger! Drink! Amy gets Andrea into some form-fitting outfits that are showing a few too many curves. Then, a killer red dress that does all the right things. Andrea buys a green dress and a red dress because she has the holiday spirit.

Devorah introduces Barbet to her gay husband who is on her payroll. Barbet dresses her up in a royal blue prom dress that is a klunker. The gay husband says, “Helen Keller could have picked a better gown.” How long do you think he spent writing that line? The next dress is too costumey. The third is a win, with a skin-tight silver metallic and a cutout back.

Derek brought “some special things for a special lady.” Everything is about twenty years too young for his client’s shriveled, leathery body. Oh gawd. Her boobs are flapping around in a hot pink skin-tight dress, and her back is trying to escape out the straps. It’s going to take a lot of booze to unsee what I have seen.

Next week, my new besties Tayler and Gregg are back.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

Million Dollar Shoppers, Episode 4

misslinda — Fri, 01 Nov 2013 17:42:12 +0000

And we’re back with another episode of Million Dollar Shoppers. Hi Tayler! Hi Gregg! I see you’re off to Trump Building to meet a new client, Barbara, from Eastern Europe. Barbara needs a special dress for a Young New Yorkers of the Philharmonic event (young? Barbara, honey, no), and it better be good or else she will be very mad and there will be consequences. Hooker heels, bright and bold, chunky jewelry, and do not talk about budget. There is budget, but it is none of your business. You give me options, I give you agita, yikes. Easy peasy nice and breezy Tayler and Gregg are going to get eaten alive by this woman.

The word of the day is “Herve Leger.” Yeah, I know it’s two words. Every time someone says “Herve Leger,” the Lifetime Network For Ladies gets its period and the viewing audience has to take a drink.

Liz Boobies lives in a giant suburban McMansion clad in beige, brown, and shades of neutral. She brings Amy to her closet dungeon and tells her that she needs clothes that are klassy, professional, and respectfully sexy. Despite having closets filled with insanely expensive pieces including several Herve Leger dresses drink!, all Liz ever wears are yoga pants. If you ask me, this lady doesn’t need help shopping for outfits as much as she needs help coordinating outfits.

Derek’s new client, Liza, lives in a giant house in the suburbs of somewhere. She has a best friend, Andi, who wants Liza to break out of her denim comfort zone. Liza has an entire closet just for her jeans, and another closet for her ten-year-old blouses, and another closet for her Herve Leger bandage dresses. Drink! She needs three new looks—day, night, and cocktails. I’m not sure why cocktails aren’t something that happen during the day and night, but whatever.

Instead of bringing Liza new looks, Derek brings her garbage bags because she’s not going to be ready for new clothes until she gets rid of the old. But she won’t part with anything…until he finds a closet filled with brown sweaters. Nobody needs brown sweaters. Maybe one chocolate brown cashmere, and another in khaki. But otherwise, blech. You’ll look like a middle school principal.

Derek finally brings Liz some outfits and ooh, are those copper sequined pants? But…a sexy tunic that is nothing of the sort, a Where’s Waldo? jacket, and a few other confusing, shapeless pieces including a bizarre flutter sleeved Gucci tragedy and a tuxedo that needs miles of tailoring. I guess she bought something and everyone was happy, but I just do not understand Derek’s aesthetic.

Liz eventually accepts the purge and looks forward to a new start so she invites some decidedly unsophisticated friends to review Amy’s selections. Amy calls the friends The Circus which is both funny and rude. They’re not feeling a patterned skirt, the look isn’t skimpy enough, where are the stripper heels, blah blah blah. I’ve never seen someone make a Chanel jacket look trashy, but there you have it. The Circus approves of a tan leather jacket and white dress, and Liz also buys a little black dress.

Barbara wants to do a Great Gatsby 1920s thing for the Young Person Plus Their Cool Older Aunts event, so Gregg and Tayler go shopping for flapper gear. Gregg loves a fringe, and oh my gawd, that ostrich feather fan is amazing! Please let Gregg walk around the city waving his feathers around.

After picking up a little bling, Gregg and Tayler meet Barbara for a mental check-in and show her a few vintage pieces, including a flapper flapper shimmy shimmy dress. Barbara does not like. Too brown, too long, too fringy. She also nixes vintage Ungaro because it’s too big. Oh, and surprise! The theme for the party is Some Like It Hot, which is totally different than The Great Gatsby. With only two days left, “that is batshit crazy.” Then she has the nerve to tell Gregg to take his high heels off and put on some sneakers so that he can run run run. Gregg should’ve taken his high heels off and landed them in her cranium.

Tayler and Gregg find a few pieces and schlep them all the way to Trump Park ’N Ride for a fashion show in front of Barbara’s friends. “I don’t like the color, I don’t like the shape, I don’t like it.” No, no, no. She agrees to try on three gowns. The peanut gallery calls the first look hideous. The second one isn’t amazing enough for the girls. The third, a vintage Carolina Herrera, is perfect. Goldilocks gets her gown! Good work, Gregg and Tayler. Now take your commission and go buy Gregg his ostrich feather fan.

Next week on Million Dollar Shoppers, Barbet must deal with the dreaded gay husband.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

Million Dollar Shoppers Season 1, Episode 3: Bye Bye Birkin

misslinda — Fri, 25 Oct 2013 17:46:23 +0000

Oh hello, Barbet. What shmatas have you brought us this week? Barbet is meeting with an overly tanned mother named Amy who is flanked by her two daughters, one of which never shuts up. They all need outfits for Amy’s son’s wedding. The bride has requested them to wear ivory, but Daughter #1 is worried that she will outshine the bride. I’ve never seen the bride, but I’m quite certain that is not even an option.

There is a little southern man named Derek who wants to dress the world in hoodies and jeans. His new client is Danielle. She has a mobile boutique, which is an incredibly stupid idea because nobody wants to disrobe in the back of a van. And if the best Danielle can show the camera are Sam Edelman shoes and a CK dress, please. Wheel your wardrobe elsewhere.

My imaginary BFFs Tayler and Gregg are schlepping out to the suburbs again to meet a new client, Starr, whose husband is a football player. She’s pregnant and needs an outfit for her baby shower so this is a fashion emergency. Oh, and she doesn’t like “maternity wear.” Gregg fell in love with Starr’s closet, and I can see why. Starr has a Birkin collection, and a fun-and-a-half selection of shoes. For her baby shower, Starr wants long and flowy and custom made and…an alligator Birkin. A purple alligator Birkin. And the baby shower is in two weeks, so good luck ladies.

Barbet goes shopping for three ivory dresses that will make her clients squeal. Mama’s dress is too tight, Daughter #1’s dress is pretty but girly, and there aren’t enough Spanx in the world to make Daughter #1’s dress flattering. Strike out!

Derek picks through some truly unglamorous racks for his fashion-on-wheels client. He then shops at a store whose merchandise can be found all over the sale racks at Century 21. In other words, this is small potatoes. Tiny, microscopic potatoes. Derek drives out to whatever suburb Danielle lives in to shower her the clothes he found. He starts out by telling Danielle that when he saw her, he thought she was a little bit tacky. So he’s trying to class her up a bit, but he did it in the most tactless way. Then he puts on a sheer bodysuit and heels and struts a little fashion show for Danielle’s friends. She ends up with a meh white dress, a been there, seen that clutch, and some boring shoes.

My sad BFFs are coming up empty on the purple alligator Birkin bag because why should such a thing even exist? Gregg found a turquoise alligator Birkin, and a fuchsia alligator Birkin…but they’re “gently worn,” which for Starr qualifies as “used.” And Starr wants purple, and fuchsia is not purple, so no go on the bag. They bring Starr a smattering of accessories to try on with her custom fuchsia dress (which would’ve looked rockin’ with a fuchsia Birkin, but whatever), but the sleeves aren’t long enough, there’s not enough cleavage, and it doesn’t look special. Starr is even less happy when she realizes that Tayler and Gregg are Birkinless. Lucky for her she married a very rich man who understands the handbag game because her husband went to the store on Madison Avenue and bought her a red Birkin. And she loves it. Even though it’s not purple. Tayler wells up with tears at the sight of the bag. Without an ounce of irony, Starr blurts out, “Oh my gawd, are you about to cry? You’ve got Gwyneth Paltrow now upset!”

Barbet found some nontraditional ivory dresses for her trio to try on. But the room looks like it’s filled with wedding gowns, so I guess maybe I don’t understand this ivory-dress-to-someone-else’s-wedding concept. Daughter #1 doesn’t like the color of Daughter #2’s dress because it’s “yellowy green.” Daughter #1 thinks her mother’s dress looks like a tent. Daughter #1 won’t try on anything on her rack until she finds a black and ivory fluttery thing-a-ma-bob that looks two parts Zara and one part 1994. They all ultimately find their dresses, so Barbet gets her payday, and everyone is relatively happy.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

Million Dollar Shoppers Episode 2: Glam Squad Slam Squad

misslinda — Fri, 18 Oct 2013 20:17:40 +0000

Barbet is on “a mish” to meet her new client, Alisa Maria, who is a handbag and fur designer who is dressed to the nines at nine o’clock in the morning. Barbet thinks her furs are “exquiz,” so I’m almost hoping they both have an accident on the staircase. Alisa Maria’s closet is filled with insanely priced clothing and accessories, and I’ve never seen so much high-priced tacky in one place.Amy thinks her energy and excitement encourages her clients to see themselves in a new way, because it’s all about her. Amy’s new client is event planner, Jennifer, who never pays retail, so she’s a woman after my own heart. But this does not please Amy because personal shoppers do not do bargains. Then Jennifer blurts out, “I feel like you’re screaming.” Amy’s voice just grates on her nerves, which annoys the crap out of Amy because THIS IS SUPPOSED TO BE ABOUT AMY.

My favorite luxury hipsters Gregg & Tayler are in the suburbs which is as horrifying as it sounds. Their new client, Beth, is a former professional poker player, so you know she’s got really great taste. Beth’s closet is tacky, but a different kind of tacky than Alisa Maria. This is a very special brand of stripper tacky, and it’s going to go over really well on her trip to the South of France.

Amy bargain shops in Bendels, which used to be a spectacularly cool store and then turned into a cartoon of itself. Amy brings Jennifer her accessories picks and Jennifer is all, “I have accessories covered. Nooooo accessories! Dress. Dress.” Go away, Amy.

Barbet pulls vintage dresses for Alisa Maria who is totally going to hate them because they are used. And old. Luckily Alisa Maria has assembled her “glam squad” for the fashion show. “So. I did vintage, because…you never know.” Yeah, well, I know. And guess what? Miss Bling Bling doesn’t like old clothes. “It looks like a prom dress.” “Hell to the no.” “That’s so wrong, right?” Back to the drawing board, or dressing room.

Amy visits a high-end consignment shop for moderately priced cocktail dresses. When she shows them to Jennifer, it’s more of YOU’RE TALKING TOO LOUD. “Pretty but I got better. I don’t know, looks like a Prada dress I already own. No. It annoys me, no. NOOOOO. Yes. Pretty. Yes. Pretty, pretty pretty.” Sadly, the dress she likes doesn’t even come close to fitting because Jennifer thinks she’s a size two when she hasn’t seen a size two since both Milli and Vanilli were alive. She ends up buying nothing.

Gregg and Tayler shop at Calypso for some St. Tropez-appropriate clothing. But these clothes are classy, and Beth is more klassy. “Fashion show! Open up a bottle of wine, helloooo!” So says Gregg, anyway. Beth and her friend are less excited about the fashion show. After a string of klunkers, Gregg and Tayler bust out a skin tight mini dress that Tayler claims is sexy and sophisticated, and a bikini that leaves at least a little bit to the imagination. It’s a hit, and a sale.

Barbet shops for new clothes (which maybe should’ve been her first stop on the shopping tour) and picks up a bunch of gold sequined gowns. Alisa Maria is underwhelmed, but at least she’s trying on clothes. Thankfully everyone loves a sequin gown, shiny shoes, and one of the ugliest Chanel bags I’ve ever seen. Then, Barbet pulls out a crystal gown with a $30,000 price tag and the “glam squad” loves it even though it makes Alisa Maria’s boobs look like a punch line to a bad joke. But, Barbet gets her money, so good on her.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

Million Dollar Shoppers, Episode 1: Half-Pint’s Judging Me!

misslinda — Fri, 11 Oct 2013 16:49:47 +0000

Barbet is a grizzled old skeleton who says things like “Yum! Yum!” and “Dance! Dance!” She is a personal shopper for people with more money than taste, and her first client is Stacy Something who has a closet bigger than most peoples’ apartments. It is filled with things that are borderline ugly, and Barbet is looking to cram one more outfit into the mix. Stacy needs something to wear for her daughter’s bat mitzvah. For reasons that are beyond my comprehension, Stacy’s twelve-year-old daughter has the final say.

Amy “loves her fashion double kiss mwah mwah.” She sports a tragic jumpsuit to meet Hope and Grace, a mother and daughter disaster team. The mother looks like Helena Bonham Carter on a bad day, and the daughter is dressed like she’s ready for a night out with Snooki and one of the lesser Meatballs. Are those sequined Uggs? I’ve always wondered who was dumb enough to buy those. The duo need outfits for their European cruise because you need to be really well dressed for the midnight buffet.

Oh. My. Gawd. Tayler and Gregg are twinsies! They are shopping for Heather and Madelyn, a mother and daughter. Mom’s going to a big event, and daughter is going to the prom. Thankfully this pair is far more tasteful than the other hobos we just saw, and I’m kind of digging Gregg and not really hating Tayler.

Tayler and Gregg present their picks to Heather and Madelyn. First up are the prom dresses. Too purple, not enough back showing, blah blah blah. Next is mom, who apparently doesn’t like sequins and nothing is blowing her away but maybe a suit is in the right direction except all of that tailoring and…back to the drawing board.

Amy shops in Carmen Marc Valvo’s showroom, and…I’m sorry, but these dresses are sort of frumpster and not very high end at all. Is this the best she can do, or the most her client can afford? I’m guessing it’s a little bit of both.

Barbet takes Stacy to a Romona Keveza fashion show (I thought she only did wedding gowns for Kleinfelds?) to hand-pick a dress. She loves a red dress despite claiming not to like red at all, like she hates red. When it’s time to show the dresses to Stacy’s Versace-clad twelve-year-old, bad news. The red dress has already been promised to someone much more important than Stacy. And the tween is rejecting looks right and left. “I don’t like the length.” “I think it looks like for a little like an older person than you.” “No.” “I love it.” Thank goodness, Barbet was able to please a small child with simple tuxedo suit. Why it takes a “professional” to buy you an off-the-rack tuxedo suit I will never know, but good for Barbet and her 10% commission.

Tayler and Gregg go shopping at a high-end prom dress store which I had no idea was even a thing. I thought the third floor of Saks Fifth Avenue was one big high end prom dress store, but whatever. Is Gregg wearing a dress? And gold heels? And is he running down the street? I love Gregg.

Amy returns to Hope and Grace’s home with models to put on a runway show in possibly the world’s tackiest living room. The kid isn’t loving much of anything except for an orange tank top. Then it’s time for the mother who also dismisses the outfits, until she sees a cowl neck in gold sparkle tightness that will show off her ample assets because just what everyone wants to see is Helena Bonham Carter’s cleavage. Ugh.

My new BFFs Tayler and Gregg are late for their presentation, which is not a good start. Daughter looks elegant in a royal blue backless gown and mamma wants to steal it right off of her back. Or backless. Whatever. Next is a white goddess gown that looks gorgeous…but mom calls it a “wedding on the beach” dress. Now it’s time for mom to try on her outfits. First is a bustier that makes her scowl. Mom is not pleased that her boobs are popping out. The next dress is all, “I don’t like the pockets…I like things tight, remember tight? Doesn’t it look like Wonder Woman? Ugh, it’s so complicated!” And then she comes out in the royal blue dress that was meant for her daughter, and everyone needs a moment because they’re very emotional about a dress they don’t even own. In the end, the kid takes the white dress and lets the mom wear the suit with the popping out bustier. Huh? What is wrong with these people? Wait, forget I even asked.

Until next week, when there’s more of the same only totally different.

Photo: mylifetime.com

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com