Todd Alquist, the ingénue from Vamonos Pest who looks way too much like Matt Damon’s less attractive little brother and killed the small child watching the freight train last season calls “Mr. White” to let him know that there has been a change in management. He then has breakfast with a couple of random scary dudes who want set up a meth lab, with Todd as their cook. And they want to do it in New Mexico.
Hank is questioning Jesse. “I want to talk to you about your partner. Heisenberg. See, I know he’s my brother-in-law.” That gets Jesse’s attention, if only for a brief moment. Hank offers Jesse a deal, but Jesse tells him, “Eat me.” Which, yeah. That’s about what anyone should expect from Jesse. Saul bursts in to end the interrogation, though I have a feeling Jesse had it pretty much under control.
Walter is in his bathroom, trying to cover up two black eyes. In order to get his son to stay home rather than accept his aunt Marie’s dinner invitation, Walt tells Junior that he passed out last night because he has a tiny spot of cancer on his lungs that is being treated. It’s good to know that Walt hasn’t risen above manipulating his own son. That night, Walt asks Skylar to help him film his confession.
In the most awkward dinner ever, Walt and Skylar meet Hank and Maria at a taqueria. Hank has no idea what this is about, and he is unnerved at the lack of control. “So, you’re here to confess?” Walt explains that there is nothing to confess. They just want to talk about Walter Junior, and ask Hank and Marie to leave their children out of whatever is going on with the adults. “You have no evidence to support your claims, why tear this family apart?” After Skylar tries to explain that whatever may have happened is in the past, Marie suggests that Walt kill himself—since everything ends with Walt, why wait for him to die of cancer when he can just die now? But that’s not good enough for Hank, who wants a confession (and with it, a nice boost to his career). Walt puts a DVD on the table and leaves Skylar. When Hank and Marie get home (and presumably find a DVD player because who even has one of those anymore?), here is what they find on the DVD:
This is my confession. If you’re within this tape, I’m probably dead. Murdered, by my brother in law, Hank Shraeder. Hank has been building a meth empire for over a year now and using me as his chemist. Shortly after my 50th birthday, he asked that I used my chemistry knowledge to cook methamphetamine which he would then sell using connections he made through his career in the DEA…
Ooh! Brilliant. I bow to Walter White’s genius. Slow clap. The recording goes on to explain the relationship between Hank and Gustavo, how Walt had to pay Hank’s medical bills, the whole nine yards, including how Walt couldn’t go to the police because Hank had risen through the ranks to be the head of the DEA and how Hank took Walt’s children for three months to keep him in line. Every loose end is tied up, and all signs point to Hank.
Jesse and Saul meet Walt in the desert, and Saul’s license plate is hilariously “LWYRUP.” Walt claims that he wants to help Jesse, but every time he does, the hole they are in gets deeper and deeper. He suggests that Jesse leave all of this behind, get out of town and don’t look back. This, of course, is for purely selfish reasons. Walt may be able to manage Hank, but Jesse is a wildcard. If Hank doesn’t hush up, Jesse could end up corroborating Hank’s story. Jesse senses the bullshit, and asks, “Just for once, stop working me for like ten seconds straight….You need me gone because your dickhead brother-in-law is never gonna let up.” Jesse suspects that if he doesn’t agree to get out of dodge, Walt will kill him. Rather than respond, Walt gives Jesse a fatherly hug.
Jesse goes to Saul’s office to coordinate the disappearance. Saul calls the guy who makes people vanish without, you know, killing them. Jesse has one hour to meet the guy and lights up a joint while Saul stacks the last of Jesse’s money on the desk. Saul also hooks Jesse up with a Hello Kitty phone in case something goes wrong or the guy doesn’t show up. When Jesse questions the choice of phone, Saul retorts, “We got a beggar’s choosers situation here so stop busting my balls.”
While waiting for the pickup, Jesse reaches for a pack of smokes and remembers the ricin. A lightbulb goes off. Jesse returns to Saul’s office and beats the crap out of him. He accuses Saul of stealing the ricin cigarette off of him, the one that Walt used to kill the boy. Jesse takes Saul’s car keys and runs out of the office while Saul calls Walt to tell him that he’s got a big problem. This sends Walt rushing back to the carwash to retrieve a frozen gun he has stashed under the soda machine. He then makes up a flimsy excuse to Skylar about needing to pick up a prescription, which we all know is a prescription for death. But Jesse may be crazier than Walt can even imagine as the show ends with Jesse maniacally dousing Walt’s house in gasoline.