Oh hello, Barbet. What shmatas have you brought us this week? Barbet is meeting with an overly tanned mother named Amy who is flanked by her two daughters, one of which never shuts up. They all need outfits for Amy’s son’s wedding. The bride has requested them to wear ivory, but Daughter #1 is worried that she will outshine the bride. I’ve never seen the bride, but I’m quite certain that is not even an option.

There is a little southern man named Derek who wants to dress the world in hoodies and jeans. His new client is Danielle. She has a mobile boutique, which is an incredibly stupid idea because nobody wants to disrobe in the back of a van. And if the best Danielle can show the camera are Sam Edelman shoes and a CK dress, please. Wheel your wardrobe elsewhere.

My imaginary BFFs Tayler and Gregg are schlepping out to the suburbs again to meet a new client, Starr, whose husband is a football player. She’s pregnant and needs an outfit for her baby shower so this is a fashion emergency. Oh, and she doesn’t like “maternity wear.” Gregg fell in love with Starr’s closet, and I can see why. Starr has a Birkin collection, and a fun-and-a-half selection of shoes. For her baby shower, Starr wants long and flowy and custom made and…an alligator Birkin. A purple alligator Birkin. And the baby shower is in two weeks, so good luck ladies.

Barbet goes shopping for three ivory dresses that will make her clients squeal. Mama’s dress is too tight, Daughter #1’s dress is pretty but girly, and there aren’t enough Spanx in the world to make Daughter #1’s dress flattering. Strike out!

Derek picks through some truly unglamorous racks for his fashion-on-wheels client. He then shops at a store whose merchandise can be found all over the sale racks at Century 21. In other words, this is small potatoes. Tiny, microscopic potatoes. Derek drives out to whatever suburb Danielle lives in to shower her the clothes he found. He starts out by telling Danielle that when he saw her, he thought she was a little bit tacky. So he’s trying to class her up a bit, but he did it in the most tactless way.  Then he puts on a sheer bodysuit and heels and struts a little fashion show for Danielle’s friends. She ends up with a meh white dress, a been there, seen that clutch, and some boring shoes.

My sad BFFs are coming up empty on the purple alligator Birkin bag because why should such a thing even exist? Gregg found a turquoise alligator Birkin, and a fuchsia alligator Birkin…but they’re “gently worn,” which for Starr qualifies as “used.” And Starr wants purple, and fuchsia is not purple, so no go on the bag. They bring Starr a smattering of accessories to try on with her custom fuchsia dress (which would’ve looked rockin’ with a fuchsia Birkin, but whatever), but the sleeves aren’t long enough, there’s not enough cleavage, and it doesn’t look special. Starr is even less happy when she realizes that Tayler and Gregg are Birkinless. Lucky for her she married a very rich man who understands the handbag game because her husband went to the store on Madison Avenue and bought her a red Birkin. And she loves it. Even though it’s not purple. Tayler wells up with tears at the sight of the bag. Without an ounce of irony, Starr blurts out, “Oh my gawd, are you about to cry? You’ve got Gwyneth Paltrow now upset!”

Barbet found some nontraditional ivory dresses for her trio to try on. But the room looks like it’s filled with wedding gowns, so I guess maybe I don’t understand this ivory-dress-to-someone-else’s-wedding concept.  Daughter #1 doesn’t like the color of Daughter #2’s dress because it’s “yellowy green.” Daughter #1 thinks her mother’s dress looks like a tent. Daughter #1 won’t try on anything on her rack until she finds a black and ivory fluttery thing-a-ma-bob that looks two parts Zara and one part 1994. They all ultimately find their dresses, so Barbet gets her payday, and everyone is relatively happy.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com