666 Park Avenue: Don’t Open The Door!

Just a little dinner with The Devil! Num-num! Can I have some of that Burgundy?

Drunk Mommy with this weeks installation of 666 Park Avenue, the demonic real estate porn. We begin with a tender, romantic moment between the Artist Formerly Known as John Locke and…his building. Awww. If I owned that building, I would have Patsy Cline in my heart at all times, too. Of course, I would hopefully not be The Devil, but that’s just me.

We find Blonde Wife Manager and one of the doormen entering a vacant apartment. Blonde Wife is bewildered by the tenant’s sudden (unrealistic) departure and she (realistically) immediately starts planning the capital improvements that will start jacking up the rent. She’s really catching on to this management gig!

Creepy noises lead her to a hole in the wall. Big mistake lady! Now we get to have a moment straight out of The Birds. Though Tippy Hedren, she ain’t. I am enjoying all the allusions to classic suspense films though which, crap, makes this somewhat less Terrible.

Blondie’s necklace, suspiciously highlighted in the previous episode, was stolen by The Drake’s Resident Thief. Ta-dum! She coincidentally tells the Resident Thief that the necklace was stolen.

Cut to Bitch Photographer Wife in the hospital, post elevator crushing. Complaints, complaints, bitch, bitch, bitch. Writer husband tries to empathize but really comes off sounding like a weenie. Enter Single White Female Assistant. You know, the one who likes to display her ta-tas to the Writer and the rest of the neighborhood? Watch out dude. She has keys to your apartment and your wife is not there to protect you.

Back to our naive young Manager Couple. Just like a real husband, Nerdy Cute Husband accuses Blond Wife of ‘provoking’ the birds. Then, instead of having the fight that would then naturally ensue in real life, they head out to a party where…we find out that they are not married. WTF? Now they have to just be Blondie and Nerdy.

Nerdy and John Locke have a brief chat about the $100,000,000 deal that Locke is closing. Remember how last week Nerdy had $16 in his bank account? Locke isn’t consulting with him because of his financial acumen. LOL. Love TV!

New Lonely Lady Tenant character gets macked on by John Locke at the party. Where is Vanessa Williams when you need her? I’m looking for some conniving!

Back to Blondie and Nerdy in bed, post party. Oops, she forgot the clothes in the dryer and has to go to the basement. Having apparently not learned anything from the bird incident, she follows mysterious noises to a closed door. Why do I feel like I am going to spend much of the life of this show wanting to scream at the TV ‘BLONDIE! DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!’ But, of course she opens the door.

And here we are in a perfect vintage apartment with a corpse on the floor. AGH! And then she wakes up in bed, all that laundry is folded nice and neat. Wish someone would do that for me, even if they had to scare the crap out of me first.

Nerdy tells Blondie that Locke and Vanessa Williams are coming over for dinner. Yikes! What do you cook for The Devil?

Exterminator shows up for the birds. Totally prepared to do mass murder, since apparently there are thousands. Whee! That should smell good and not bother the tenants at all.

Cut to the Writer, trying to peep on his wife’s SWF Assistant. So sad, she’s not on display today. Exterminator and Blondie intrude on his, um, private moment and…whoops, there she is! Picture windows, large as life and twice as lacy in pink!

Nevermind, back to Exterminator and Blondie, now in the basement. Apparently Exterminators do demolition now and he’s ready to tear down some walls? Isn’t that a union job? Back to Locke – oh let’s just call him The Devil – enticing the Single Lady Tenant with the promise of love, sweet love. But what will she have to do for it, I wonder? Back to Exterminator, bungling the demolition, cut to Resident Thief having weird psychic moment with the Exterminator’s lucky rabbit’s foot. Back to Bitch Photographer in the hospital with Blondie, who brought her burgers. Perhaps hoping she won’t sue the building for getting chomped on by the elevator? LOL. Of course she will.

Finally, a brief moment of Vanessa conniving. Yay! And then back to Blondie. Don’t open the door! Just kidding, its her own apartment, but someone has left her a mysterious package. Ta-dum! Time for a cute couple-cooking-dinner-together moment, until Nerdy announces they are about to get fired. Blah, blah, blah. Conflict of interest. Blah, blah, blah, The Devil is going to be swindled? As if. He and Vanessa are coming for dinner and bringing some good Burgundy! Jealous!

Rut-roh. We’re back with the Exterminator, who is stupid drunk and about to get taken down by some Angry Birds! That is actually pretty gross. Luckily a cab takes him out first and the Building Thief’s premonition is fulfilled. Ta-dum!

Back to The Drake where the Writer is fresh from the shower, but about to get dirty with the SWF Assistant who has broken into his apartment. Oh! He shuts her down! Aaannnd back to Blondie, Nerdy, The Devil and Vanessa eating pot roast. Vanessa applies the thumbscrew about Blondie and Nerdy’s marriage plans. And back to Lonely Female Tenant. She’s getting some! Not so lonely, I guess. And now we find out from The Devil that there was a murder in her apartment 60 years ago. What does it all mean?

Don’t fret, we’re about to find out.

Lonely Lady Tenant’s new dude walks out on her. Oops! He’s married! And cut to Blondie in bed, dreaming about the door in the basement? DON’T OPEN THE DOOR! Argh. She opened the door. Again. Surprise! The corpse is still there. Back to Lonely Lady Tenant…oops, you did bad, but The Devil is there to justify it to you. She’s been around for a long time! Killing for love and to stay young. Wow. Good plot twist.

Can I mention how much I love the exterior of the building? Can I also mention that the doorman used to be the coach on one of my favorite formerly Terrible shows – Make It or Break It? We’ll call him Coach. Anyhoo, its another beautiful morning and The Devil is having another lovefest with his building and Nerdy. Vanessa has woken up early and they connive briefly.

Bitch photographer is home and chastises the Writer for not going through the mail. Bitch gets 300K from The Devil for her pain and suffering and The Writer gets a sneak peek at the SWF Assistant in her panties for…his pain and suffering?

Back to Coach and Blondie. The Devil tells her to leave the birds alone and clean up the basement already. Manager falling down on the job! Back to the basement, back to the door, do I have to say it again, Blondie? DON’T OPEN THE DOOR!!!!

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