Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Chang•ne•sia [chang-‘n-zhuh]

Noun | Origin: Greek/Chinese

1. The complete loss of memory caused by a sudden trauma that was, itself, also forgotten.

2. See also: “Kevin’s Disease.”

Kevin is a Changnesiac. He remembers nothing. He doesn’t remember being hired as a Spanish teacher and then becoming a whole mess of other things before turning into Kevin. Britta has a theory that he used to be Kevin, went crazy, and then became Chang. So if he hits his head again, he’ll rebecome Kevin.

Clearly the best thing to do in a situation like this is to use it as a fundraiser for the school, so Dean Pelton tries to get a McGovern Institute grant to fight the disease, and also pay for the documentary to fight the disease. “This needs to be the Hoop Dreams of things people care about.” Oh, and Abed’s shooting the documentary.

Jeff thinks Kevin is fine, except for him being a lunatic. Shirley agrees, yet hired him to work at her cafeteria kitchen. “Welcome to Shirley’s sandwiches where the food is Kevinly.” I’m still a little fuzzy on the details, but apparently Kevin tried to kill everyone. Jeff wants to expose Chang in front of the whole school to show his friends how gullible they really are, because that’s what friends do for each other.

Jeff suggests Chevy Chase host the reception for the McGovern Institute. He puts Annie and Troy on the case of finding out what happened to Kevin before he got to Greendale, while Britta and Shirley are going to follow Chang around with a camera and record every moment of his life. And Chevy Chase is going to host the event with a racist hand puppet. Wait, two racist hand puppets.

Annie and Troy’s investigation takes them to a trout farm. Turns out the fish farmer used Kevin as unpaid manual labor for months before naming him after his dog, Kevin, and driving him into town.

Jeff is sure that Chang will slip up at some point because he’s not smart enough to play dumb. Luckily, Shirley and Britta’s camera catches Chang making a phone call.

At the reception, Jeff brings in former Mrs. Ben Chang, to show everyone that Kevin is lying about his Changnesia. Kevin does not remember her, but somehow he was dialing her phone number, repeatedly, and hanging up. He explains that it was instinctual, and the school received its grant, and Jeff is persona non grata.

Kevin is the bigger man and wants to start over fresh with Jeff, and they shake on it over cafeteria trays so it’s definitely official. Later it is revealed that Chang really is messing with everyone and has an evil plan that involves maniacal laughter, so that should be fun.

Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Adam took his new girlfriend, Natalia, to a chick flick. It worked, because she then informed him that “I’m ready to have sex now.”

Just when you think Hannah’s outfit can’t get any frumpier, she’s picking a wedgie out of a yellow striped jumper eight times before meeting with her editor, Damon. He didn’t finish reading her pages because they did not hold his interest, and he inquires whether her hymen grew back.

Back at home, Hannah tries writing on the floor because maybe it was the chair that was the problem. I wish she’d put some pants on because I’m assuming that floor has not been swept by anything other than her ass in a very long time. Yup. She’s got an ass splinter. We are then treated to Hannah plucking a splinter out of her ass and simultaneously stabbing her ear with a Q-tip until it’s stuck. This now requires a pantsless visit to the hospital, which is weird because I’ve had my fair share of middle-of-the-night trips to the emergency room, and somehow I always managed to put my pants on before leaving the apartment. Anyway, the doctor removes the Q-tip, and Hannah is not so much freaked out by her bloody ear as much as having uneven-feeling ears.

Marnie stops by Charlie’s office again because they had lunch plans and he forgot. To make up for it, he invites Marnie to an office party later that night. She’s sort of turning into that kid who graduated high school but keeps coming back to see what everyone’s been doing lately.

At the office party, I count two thousand white people and…precisely one black person, which is strange because this is supposed to be New York City. It’s almost like there’s this completely separate borough called Whitelyn, accessible only by the K train. Shoshanna shows up wearing a spaceship on her head and someone Ray calls “Bazooka Joe” is hitting on her. Marnie arrives and tells Ray that she has something special planned that involves her voice, and I’m already cringing.

Once everyone is really enjoying the music, Marnie grabs the mic and sings a really, really, really awful song that results in equal parts stunned silence and snickering. Charlie pulls her aside and tells her that she has to pull her shit together. She explains that she’s on a journey, and that she’s okay, and then they have sex on a desk. Over at Planet Shoshanna, Ray thinks she’s been acting weird. She confesses about the doorman, sort of. She says that she held the doorman’s hand, but I’m pretty sure it wasn’t his hand that she was holding. They hug it out and decide to continue their dating charade.

Adam’s girlfriend’s party is decidedly more chill but just as white. I’m really glad Lena Dunham took that criticism of Season One to heart. While outside on a smoke break, Adam sees Hannah on her way back from the hospital. He backs away, and when Hannah asks what he’s doing there, he lets her know that his girlfriend’s friend got engaged. As Adam heads back inside, leaving Hannah hovering awkwardly on the sidewalk, he tells her to “put some pants on.” He then starts drinking, heavily. You’d think that someone whose mother set her up with a guy from her AA meeting would maybe, you know, try to stop him, but no.

They go back to Adam’s mess of an apartment afterwards and remember all of those orders he used to bark at Hannah? Yeah, well, that happens. He tells her to “get on all fours” and crawl to his bedroom. She complies, but she’s not really feeling his…uh…his sexual style. He turns much more aggressive than she is comfortable with and apologizes afterwards, but I have a feeling this is the last we’ll see of Natalia. Which is unfortunate because her boobs are far superior to Hannah’s.

Speaking of Hannah, she’s sitting on the edge of her bathtub, counting head tilts and jamming that same Q-tip into her other ear in an effort to even things out.

Reprinted with permission from www.healthywaytocook.com

It’s the semi-finals! Three of the seven cooks are going home, and no more immunity. Today’s guest judge is restaurateur Ingrid Hoffmann, who will judge the Team Challenge and mentor the team of the winning cook for the Individual Challenge.

Team Challenge

The mentors choose five sexy ingredients, and the cooks must use one as the main ingredient in a sensuous spoonful. Nigella selects figs, pancetta, sea salt, sambuca, and beef for her sole cook Kathy Bates Lauren. Anthony chooses caviar, prosciutto, buckwheat flour, truffles, and prawns to get Diane’s juices flowing. Ludo picks lobster, dover sole, champagne, caviar, and truffles for his three-person team, and Malarkey gives Khristianne and Jeff oysters, lobster, caviar, abalone, and grapes.

Malarkey puts up Jeff’s spoon, which is oyster with passionfruit and caviar. Ingrid finds it to be nice and soft and fresh. The next spoon is Diane’s grilled prawn with butter bisque and shaved truffle. Ingrid couldn’t quite place the sauce. After a session of bedroom eyes, Ludo chooses Sarah’s spoonful of panna cotta with caviar and caramel sauce. Ingrid is not a fan of caramel, but thinks that it has a nice spicy kick at the back. Kathy Bates Lauren loads up a spoon with Italian kisses with blackberry and chocolate sauce. Ingrid calls it interesting, but is confused about the protein. Ingrid selects Sarah’s panna cotta as the sexiest spoonful, which is Team Ludo’s fourth win in a row. That makes Ludo a good mentor, but it does not necessarily make his team good cooks.

Individual Challenge

The cooks have one hour to make the most seductive spoons of their lives, and pair them with a beverage. Chocolate, octopus stew, Bourdain doesn’t find desserts sexy, uni, caviar, Nigella likes it a little rough, mussels, sashimi, artichoke, mouth explosions, broth, pasta, and deep fried butter. Somehow, the cooks turned all of that into sexy little spoonfuls.

• Jeff prepared snapper and uni sashimi with a sake gimlet. “I was looking for a higher bar.”

• Lauren made a spicy octopus stew with tequila. Note to self: corn chips are not sexy.

• Diane serves up a chocolate pate with cherries and a glass of Malbec. “First it’s the champagne and oysters, and then it’s the chocolate, and then it’s time to go get a little bang bang bang bang.”

• Paul made king crab, artichoke and octopus with a verbena champagne cocktail. “If you’re gonna do octopus, you’d better nail it.”

• Khristianne cooked uni, king crab and egg 63 with champagne. “I’m a big nasty slut, take me now.”

• Gregg prepared caviar and uni butter pasta with champagne. “Plump, semi-engorged sacs of eggs, who doesn’t like them?”

• Sarah cooked mussels with leeks and sangria. “The drink is absolutely wrong.”

Gregg and Sarah are safe and are in the finals. Tony’s best is, unsurprisingly, Khristianne’s uni,  and his worst is Paul’s octopus. Malarkey’s best is also Khristianne’s uni, and his worst is Lauren’s stew. Nigella’s best is Jeff’s sashimi, and her worst is Diane’s chocolate bang bang. Ludo’s best is Khristianne’s uni, and his worst is Jeff’s sashimi.

A stunned Khristianne gets three of the four judges’ votes for best dish.

 

 

Conveniently, that puts one cook from each of the four kitchens on the chopping block. After gushing over Khristianne’s dish, the judges unanimously send Paul and Lauren home, or wherever failed reality television contestants go. And between Diane and Jeff, the judges decide to give the last spot in the finals to Diane and cut Jeff. Next week is the finals, with Gregg, Sarah, Khristianne, and Diane all competing for…I don’t even remember. Probably a set of steak knives and a year’s supply of Turtle Wax.