“Isn’t that diving show on tonight?” Why yes, yes it is. Crap! It started fifteen minutes ago? Better late than never. So, what did I miss?

Apparently it’s doubles diving, and Kareem Abdul-Jabbar and Louie Anderson did a dive that sounds spectacularly bad because they received a combined score of 5.75. But, since the losing team will have to compete against each other, I’m guessing we’ll be seeing these two in their Speedos later on in the show.

Next up are Nicole Eggert and Brandi Chastain. They call themselves Team Moms, which causes male genitalia to instinctively shrivel up and die. They stroll up to the 16 foot ledge, with Brandi diving backwards and Nicole diving forwards. Was that supposed to be synchronized? Because it goes something like this:

Brandi: Splish!

Nicole: [One Mississippi, two Mississippi] Kerplop!

Idiot Judge notes that the timing was a little off, but calls it “graceful.” I don’t think that word means what he thinks it means. He gives them a 7.5, and Serious Judge gives them a 6. And then, something amazing happens. Idiot Judge and Greg Louganis rip off their tear away clothes and head up to the 33 foot platform for a dive. It’s a backwards something-or-other, and it’s fairly impressive. I give it an 8.5.

It’s time for Katherine Webb and Drake Bell, who are doing a bold dive from the 33 foot platform that starts with Drake giving Katherine an airplane. They call it The Javelin, and it requires the female partner being at least a foot taller than the male diver. Aaaand, it is successful because they both land in the water at roughly the same time, so good for them. Idiot Judge rips open his shirt (I think he may have just found his calling) which has a “10” written on it in Sharpie. Serious Judge gives them an 8.5.

Kendra Wilkinson and Rory Bushfield are ready for their dive. Well, Rory is ready and Kendra is paralyzed by fear. She is afraid of heights, which means she must have done something truly awful to her agent at some point in the recent past. Joey Lawrence joins the pair on the 23 foot diving platform, and Kendra talks about things being inspiring as she grips the railing and bursts into tears. “I can’t….This is the worst feeling of my life right now.” Really? This is the worst feeling in your life? That’s quite a nice life, lady. Kendra backs out, Rory begs, and Joey intervenes on the stairs. He explains that she will be automatically eliminated from the competition. But Kendra fears heights more than failure, and takes her long, 23-foot walk of shame down the staircase to a bizarre amount of applause considering she didn’t do the one simple task that she was hired to do. I’m a little unclear as to why Rory didn’t dive off of the platform solo, but whatever.

So what happens now? Everyone else is safe, and Kendra is out. Which means I won’t get to see Kareem and Louie dive. Well, there’s always next week, which involves a flip.

Photo courtesy of www.abc.go.com

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