I never watched Sharknado 1 despite the fever-pitched hype, and yet I find myself glued to the screen as Sharknado 2 unleashes its fishy wrath all over my television. I vowed to change the channel unless Kelley Osborne was killed off quickly, and boom! Problem solved. Now it’s all about that guy from Beverly Hills 90210 and the chick with the mess of a boob job “acting” their way through a script so bad it’s good.
Did Ian Ziering just land a commercial airplane? On a runway littered with sharks? Oh yes he did, and with some fine herky-jerky movements not seen since the bridge in the original Star Trek. OMG! Tara Reid just lost her hand! Now how’s she gonna earn a living? All that, and we’re only ten minutes in. Buckle up, folks. This is going to get campy real fast.
Welcome to New York, where Andy Dick is a police officer (thankfully not the stripper kind). After landing the plane, Ian tries to save Tara Reid from another botched surgery. Oh hahaha, the shark didn’t know who you were, Tara, because you’re not famous anymore. “The next time you offer to lend a hand, don’t be so literal about it.” Oh boy.
Ian has to save half of his family at a Met’s game. Ha, the Mets saving anything. The other half is, conveniently, on Liberty Island. The East River is riddled with sharks and CitiField is riddled with character actors. Aaaaand Sharknado! Luckily there were only about three dozen people at the Met’s game (an average crowd), so the 7 train is completely empty. I’m a little unclear on how the 7 train got to 96th Street, but sharks on the train! SHARKS ON THE TRAIN!!!
Can we discuss the special effects? They’re bad. Really bad. Like, Sid and Marty Krofft bad. Why are the ladies being chased by Lady Liberty’s head? And how come Al Roker and Matt Lauer have not yet noticed the sharks? “This is a twister, with teeth. Enough said.”
Little girl, Tara Reid isn’t gonna save you, she can’t even save herself. And are we all okay with Judd Hirsch driving the taxi? Seems kind of heavy-handed. Oh my gawd, they’re going to Frogger across a shark-infested Sixth Avenue. I really don’t understand what any of them are doing in midtown. Aww. Judd Hirsch didn’t make it. Problem solved.
Don’t worry everyone, Ian Ziering and Vivica A. Fox are going to save the City. Wow, Kari Wuhrer is looking very rode hard and put way wet. She was super hot in Sliders, and that was, what, only like twenty years ago? FLAMING SHARKS! We have flaming sharks!!!
There’s a dramatic rallying speech atop a firetruck with a chainsaw. A plastic shark gets sliced in CGI half. “Let’s go kill some sharks!” Tara Ried attaches a circular saw to where her hand used to be, and why are they on top of the Empire State Building? Because Ian is going to blow up the top of the building, of course. For technical reasons, this requires blowing up Ian Ziering as well. But he still has his trusty chainsaw, so every shark that eats him on the way down to the ground gets sliced up.
Someone gets the bright idea to toss chainsaws into the sharknado, thereby chopping them to bits and saving New York City in a rain of shark meat. And Ian rides one of the sharks to safety, landing softly on the Empire State Building, where Tara Ried greets his bloody face with a…not a kiss. No, there are still too many sharks. He shoots the last half dozen, pulls a ring off of a severed limb, and proposes to Tara Ried. She says yes, which paves the way for Sharknado 3: Bridezilla’s Revenge.
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