Project Runway Season A Million, Episode One


“If there’s one thing holding me back, it’s nothing right now.”

I can’t remember which designer spoke those garbles, but does it matter? It’s the perfect reality television competition Statement Of Self. It says, “I have no idea what I’m talking about, but words are important, too.” That overconfident and undereducated delusion is why I keep tuning into Project Runway season after season, crappy design after crappy design.

So I’m not sure what happened but there’s a runway show, and the judges look nonplused. I’m disappointed to see Zac Posen since, as usual, we were all hoping for Michael Kors. And where’s Nina? I don’t think I’ll make it through an entire season without Nina Garcia’s snip and a Michael Kors snap. Oh thank goodness, there’s Nina. Her hair looks beautiful, as would my own if I had a team of stylists and unlimited forever and ever funds but no I’m not bitter, why do you ask?

I don’t even need to know the challenge because it’s always the same—design something that repreents you as a designer. Should we talk about the designs? Amanda, Jefferson, Mitchell, Sandia, Sharksomething, and Angela are the best and the worst. He other nameless faces are safe. Wait—we’ve seen this Amanda chick before, right? She looks like a Project Runway Repeat. Or Threepeat, actually.

Sharksomething made a cotton jersey draped top with a flirty print skirt (with pockets! Everyone loves pockets….) and Nina adores the outfit. Mitchell made shorts and a t-shirt that I bought in the junior’s department of Macy’s sometime in 1985. The judges hate it, of course. Sandhya designed the most gorgeous floral dress that is ripped at some oddball places, but it works as fashion even though it doesn’t work as clothing. Jefferson designed a shirt and skort, and that’s the nicest thing I can say about it, though Nina manages to sputter out a “doubleyoo tee eff.” The judges are horrified by the oddly proportioned outfit. Amanda Threepeat’s patterned jeans are kind of cool, but the black top is blah and overall it’s a meh outfit. The judges are bored. Angela’s royal blue top and bizarre strappy pants are designated “sluts” by Ms. Garcia because the model’s arse is on display, and not in a good way.

Oh ha! Tim Gunn wants to know if Angela’s pants come with a gift certificate for a Brazilian. On closer inspection, Jefferson’s designs are even worse that anyone could have imagined. Sharksomething’s cute little top and skirt bring smiles, and Sandhya’s surprising dress impresses to the point where Nina calls it a “showpiece.” For some reason the judges gush over Amanda Threepeat’s construction. Big deal. The least people can do is sew. Heidi’s got my back by pointing out that this isn’t Top Seamstress.

Sandhya wins the challenge, and with Amanda and Sharksomething close behind. The judges spare Angela, so it’s between Jefferson and Mitchell. Who bored the judges more? Jefferson. So Mitchell is in, and Jefferson is the first one to be auf wiedersehened. That’s unfortunate because Mitchell’s shorts and t-shirt are tragic.

So. Do we have a season here or what? And does it matter? I mean, it’s Project Runway.


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