Terrible Television » XOX Betsey Johnson

LuLu Johnson Has Not Been Shot By Anything Other Than Her Own Camera

misslinda — Fri, 01 Nov 2013 19:57:04 +0000

Oh thank gawd LuLu Johnson, layabout and moocher offer of mother and designer Betsey Johnson, is alright. She happened to be in LAX when a shooter started shooting, but don’t panic! She’s okay! Sort of. She needs help, people! I mean look at that carpeting she’s lying on, it’s what, negative twelve thread count? And I’ll bet the line at Starbucks is so long that her assistant won’t be back with her venti no foam skinny iced chai latte for at least a half hour. Won’t someone think of the (D-list) celebrities?

XOX Betsey Johnson: The Finale! Betsey Takes Tokyo!

misslinda — Fri, 19 Jul 2013 16:38:36 +0000

Reprinted with permission from www.hautetalk.comWith her show over and her birthday several hundred days away, Betsey Johnson is bored. So she rearranges furniture and plans a trip to Tokyo. And LuLu gets to go, too. But for her, it’s a “work trip” because “maybe Tokyo will give me the million dollar idea that’ll put me on the map!” But first, she visits expensive real estate with a realtor friend. Oh! It’s the building that has 24/7 food delivery from Jean Georges! It’s totally out of her price range, which means she just wasted several peoples’ time.Betsey Johnson and LuLu arrive in Tokyo and it’s just like Lost In Translation, only without Bill Murray’s charm. Betsey Johnson wants to go to Harajuku because she’s inspired by the fashion, and LuLu wants to go to vintage shops to buy some new ideas.The next morning, Betsey and LuLu get an etiquette lesson. First lesson: if you invite the guest, you are not supposed to sit before the guest sits. Strike one. Betsey also fails the legs together rule, and is thrilled that tipping is not proper in Japan.

The ladies’ first journey outside of the hotel is for food. Betsey and LuLu are confused by the eating habits in Japan—silence, except for the noodles.Finally, shopping. I’m not sure why they don’t have a tour guide, but eventually they find their way to Harajuku where Betsey touches everyone’s hair and clothes. Betsey tries on everything and buys not much of anything, but she’s got it all up here [taps head] and “can’t wait to get back to New York and do the Betseyfied Harajuku look.” But LuLu’s bored because none of this is her thing. She’s a little more conservative, and “grown up, if you will?”

To pacify LuLu, they go to the Fifth Avenue of Tokyo to shop for very, very overpriced vintage. Betsey finds a few of her own pieces on the racks and LuLu sulks and is “kind of bummed out” because it’s never, ever about LuLu.Next, it’s Betsey’s activity—dress up like a geisha. Betsey never stops talking, and it’s driving LuLu nuts. Which is fun to watch. Then, Betsey looks in the mirror and says she looks like “a little China doll,” which, yeah.

Meanwhile, LuLu is bored and whiney because it’s still all about Betsey. Then, LuLu takes the opportunity to tell her mother who is currently taking her on vacation that she needs her own space.It’s time for another meal, and this time LuLu yells, “oh my God, it’s f**cking alive!” at a plate of fish. Betsey flicks it at her, LuLu climbs on the table to get away, and now I feel the need to apologize to all of Japan for…something. Someone must have taken charge of the situation because the fish is removed and replaced with white wine, which Betsey proceeds to fill with ice cubes.

LuLu then takes the opportunity to tell her mother how horrible it is to be in such close proximity to her all the time. You see, LuLu is trying to create a life for herself, and there’s Betsey. Every time LuLu tries to “establish independence,” Betsey doesn’t let her go. Huh. I wonder how Betsey’s Amex card feels about all of that established independence. And then, LuLu drops a bomb—one of them has to move out of the building…and LuLu doesn’t want to move. So Betsey should move out of the building in which she purchased an apartment for LuLu. It’s all Betsey’s fault for giving LuLu money! What a terrible, horrible parent, giving her daughter everything. I mean, what’s a girl to do? LuLu practically had no chance of growing up to be a smart, independent woman what with all of that help and support. Someone call Child Protective Services!

After the fight, Betsey and LuLu bring their bad vibes to a shrine. They write wishes on a piece of paper as a present to the shrine. LuLu wishes for tremendous luck for her children, and for success with “my LuLu Johnson line.” Betsey wishes for a happy family life for LuLu.

And that’s all. XOX Betsey Johnson is over. It was a bumpy, pointless ride, but it was fun to make fun of, so here’s hoping for a second season!

XOX Betsey Johnson, Episode 7: Scary Boobs and Happy Surprises

misslinda — Fri, 12 Jul 2013 18:54:47 +0000

Reprinted with permission from www.hautetalk.com

After Betsey Johnson’s Best Show Ever, it’s Betsey’s Birthday Week. Betsey now has to “connect to the computer world,” which is the final step in her three-point plan to relaunch her brand. Jeez. She wants to sell you her crap on her website. This’ll be rich. Betsey focuses on her website by looking like Iggy Pop’s discarded remains during a tanning slash lunch session.

Betsey and Brandon are trying to figure out the website photo shoot which I am quite certain has already been resolved by a team of overworked graphic designers. She wants to go with a Grease theme, because her customer is the sweet rocker chick and Rizzo. They do the hand jive, and it’s settled.

Betsey and LuLu go to couples therapy, again. Betsey talks about losing one of her implants during a mammography, and having indications of breast cancer. So she goes to visit Patricia Field, and they talk like two old broads who have smoked too many cigarettes. “Whateryagonnado? Norma Kamali said the same thing to me years ago. She said, ‘What am I gonna do? Go home to my mother?’”

To resolve all issues, Betsey and LuLu go for mammograms. Betsey didn’t feel a squish or anything, but LuLu’s fake knockers are another story. The doctor needs to speak to her. The mammogram showed, “a little something there,” and the doctor needs to do a biopsy. “There’s a spot that doesn’t belong on your left breast.” Because Betsey battled breast cancer, this is a big deal. So the doctor recommends sleeping pills and/or Xanax, which, yeah. Totally not related to anything involving a mammogram.

After the doctor’s visit, LuLu meets with her friends and acts like she’s the only woman in the world to ever find a spot on a mammogram. One of her friends had “the beginning of cancer” years ago, so she knows. The other one wears a hat in a restaurant, so she knows, too. LuLu goes for her biopsy, and when she gets the test results, she learns that the biopsy came back “okay,” which is apparently a technical term? Well, good for her. The doctor then kicks LuLu and Betsey out of his office because he has “real patients to see.” And he isn’t the least bit kidding. To celebrate, Betsey and LuLu go for cocktails and order Champagne, or as it’s known in the Johnson household, “the usual.”

Betsey’s website is the final stop in her relaunch with Madden. She looks at the test shots from the 1950s diner photo shoot, and changes a sundae to a strawberry float and updates a hairstyle, because that has anything to do with her clothing and accessory designs. Then, Betsey puts on leather hot pants and fishnet stockings that should never, ever be worn on a seventy-year-old.

Later that week, Betsey greets LuLu at the door and coincidence! They each have a glass of Champagne in hand! LuLu takes Betsey to a surprise birthday party in the garment district. Surprise! This’ll show up on your credit card statement!

Next week, Lulu and Betsey Johnson embarrass America in front of Tokyo.

XOX Betsey Johnson, Episode 6: Runway Party

misslinda — Fri, 28 Jun 2013 15:07:03 +0000

Reprinted with permission from www.hautetalk.com

With two days until the big fashion show, Betsey meets with Brandon about the model fittings. Ooh! Cyndi Lauper is going to open the show! The first part will be thirty looks from each decade, and there are five decades of vintage…so that’s a whole lot of clothing. The second part of the show is all about branded products, also known as Things With Betsey’s Name On Them. The last part is a prom dress tutu extravaganza. And finally, for who the heck knows what reason, LuLu is popping out of a cake. That’s disturbing, right? To ask your daughter to pop out of a cake like a stripper?

One day before the show, Betsey is sitting on the floor painting signage for backstage. It’s almost like Brandon set Betsey up at the kiddie table to keep her occupied while the adults work. The models show up for their fittings and it looks wild. There’s poufs and sparkles and patterns everywhere, and “Guys Heart B.J.” t-shirts. Fluffers. The night before the show, Brandon goes through each look while the assistants scramble to bag up the clothes and accessories. And Betsey? She’s still sitting on the floor, doodles pictures.

LuLu meets with the handbag people solo because she and Allison “parted ways.” Naturally, they want to know what happened to Allison. “We had some disagreements and yadda yadda yadda, they never found the body.” That’s enough for the handbag people who show LuLu sketches of handbags which makes LuLu super duper excited because her name is on the bags. Unfortunately, LuLu’s licensing agent has been unable to find her a retailer willing to carry the bags. Without one, the handbag people have zero interest in moving forward. Ruh roh.

The morning of the show, Betsey sleeps in and lets Brandon get the show together without her. Betsey finally arrives ten hours before the show and loves what she sees. Hair is crimping, shadow is sparkling, the stage is filling up with gear….and Brandon whispers to Betsey, “I kinda feel like this is turning into they Cyndi show.” Well, nobody upstages Betsey! She decides that “this is shaping up to be a total disaster,” and starts directing people to clear Cyndi Lauper’s gear out of the way of her spotlight.

LuLu meets with her licensing agent, The Other Andy Cohen, right before her mother’s fashion show. She needs advice on what to do next because everything is on hold. He explains that things take time, and this is not an instantaneous process. Oh good, she feels soooo much better.

Betsey doesn’t like the way the models are walking during rehearsals, so she shows them how to walk like it’s a party. And she is really good at this. Like, everyone is having a lot of fun. When it’s time to rehearse the cake routine, LuLu is nowhere to be found. She just got done with the meeting and “just” has to run home, dress the kids, and get over to the show. She estimates that this will take twenty-five minutes, but nothing in Manhattan takes twenty-five minutes. Stop being such a disappointment, LuLu!

Ten minutes before the show, the room is packed, people are painting things on Betsey’s face, and LuLu is dressed up in a pair’s ice dancing costume. Cyndi takes the stage and belts out Girls Just Wanna Have Fun while Betsey and LuLu 80s dance backstage. Then the show begins. The 60s are cute but quiet. The 70s start blasting the senses with color and patterns. Betsey’s 80s looks are classic glamour punk. In the 90s, things got a little Courtney Love. The aughts are forgettable club kid gear. And now it’s Stuff You Can Buy Made From Plastic. Ugh. The accessories are cheap and forgettable. But okay, fine. The swimwear is cool. Very cool, actually. And now it’s models in prom dresses. If I were a seventeen-year-old girl, I would want most of the dresses in some of the colors.

Oh right, LuLu’s rotting in a cake. Roll her out! Tada, it’s a blonde! But it wouldn’t be a Betsey Johnson fashion show without a 70-year-old doing cartwheels and splits, and Betsey doesn’t disappoint. Backstage, there are gallons of champagne and millions of air kisses and Betsey thanks Brandon for his hard work in putting together her best show ever.

Next week, Betsey visits Patricia Field.

XOX Betsey Johnson, Episode 5: It’s Five O’Clock Somewhere

misslinda — Fri, 21 Jun 2013 15:34:14 +0000

Reprinted with permission from www.hautetalk.com

Betsey no longer has any stores because bankruptcy, so it’s kind of hard for her to host Fashion’s Night Out this year. Instead, she is bringing the party to her “closed down, boarded up” former flagship store in Soho, also known as “the streets.” Which is kind of really sad. It’s sort of like if a homeless person invited everyone over to the place they used to live before the bank auction. To liven up the mood, Betsey wears a tiara and pink tutu dress. Have you ever seen a seventy-year-old in a tutu? No? You’re very, very lucky. Hundreds of people show up because people love a spectacle. So that’s nice.

In preparation for her fashion show slash seventieth birthday, Betsey conducts model fittings of her vintage outfits including, “a multi mix-up froggy button classic Betsey mini dress,” “a skinny little coat with biiiiiig fur gorilla sleeves,” and a “Mongolian flannel printed crazy peasant print.” She also puts the interns to work sewing and glue gunning and shopping for pink fishnets. Sure do hope she pays those interns….

LuLu and Allison are back from their meeting with The Other Andy Cohen, and are having a preliminary meeting with two friends who work for a handbag manufacturer and are SUPER EXCIIIIITED! Because LuLu is super polite, she cuts them off. Repeatedly. “Let’s not have your brain go crazy, let me go through and explain what everything is, and you can ask questions later.”

Betsey and LuLu visit a vintage store so that LuLu can find vintage handbags to show the handbag manufacturer. Just like LuLu’s clothes, LuLu’s accessories will be vintage knock-offs. It’s better that way, because then she doesn’t have to design anything, which is the perfect amount of design for someone with no design training whatsoever.

Betsey has been noticing that LuLu’s business partner is frequently missing in action. She pushes LuLu to change the name of the brand and reminds the viewers (and probably LuLu on a daily basis) that she is the sole investor in the company. When LuLu and Allison go to their big meeting with the handbag manufacturer to present their ideas, LuLu plunks a bunch of vintage handbags on the table. The manufacturer isn’t getting her concept. “I don’t see this as one brand. I don’t really get where you’re coming from.” Then he hands her a bunch of fabric samples and has her pick colors. Apparently that’s enough, because, “She has a very good eye for materials.” And that’s how handbags are made.

The big fashion show is less than a week away, so Betsey visits the jewelry showroom and picks out a bunch of Betsey Johnson branded pieces with “bling bling” and “chuncky chunky.” It kind of looks like Betsey has never seen the jewelry before, despite having allegedly designed the pieces herself. Then, it’s off to a hotel to see her hairdresser whom she flies in from London five times a year. That’s usually what people do after their companies file for bankruptcy, right?

LuLu pops in during the hair process, and Betsey tells her that she always wanted the name of her company to be “LuLu Johnson,” and there’s a fight, and they’re both drunk off of their asses, and LuLu’s crying, and jeez. These two. Betsey says that she invested in LuLu’s company because LuLu has talent. Yeah. Okay. Have another glass of champagne, lady.

LuLu invites Allison over to her apartment to solidify their roles in the company and discuss the name change. She says, “Basically, I feel we should reconsider the name of the brand. I do have this name? And maybe I should acknowledge that?” And then in walks Betsey. “It’s cocktail time!” Allison says that she can’t deal with this anymore, and says that she doesn’t want to do this anymore. She says, “I’m not going to have a showdown with Betsey Johnson,” and walks out. Like a champ! Good for you, Allison!

That leaves The Two Drunk Johnsons to hash it out over champagne, and Betsey says that she wants to pull out as an investor. But by dinnertime, LuLu has issued her apology. Although Betsey clearly knows that the apology was in exchange for another check, she accepts. LuLu also tells Betsey that she spoke to Allison and they are not going to be moving forward as partners. Yay! More champagne!

Next week, it’s finally almost the fashion show.

XOX Betsey Johnson, Episode 4: More Party, More Bigger, More Sexy

misslinda — Fri, 14 Jun 2013 15:41:00 +0000

Reprinted with permission from www.hautetalk.com

We’re back, I guess. It’s been a tumultuous week, but it looks like XOX Betsey Johnson will be on the Style Network Thursday at 8:30 p.m., at least for now. This is good, because Betsey is ramping up for her first show under the Madden brand—a retrospective that spans her entire ninety-year career. Brandon brings in models for a go-see. The models have to “bring the party to the guests.” Betsey and Brandon are giving bizarre instructions, with Betsey yelling, “More! More! More energy!” as the girls clomp around the workroom. Betsey then teaches one of the models how to strut and be sexy in a tough girl way which involves ungulating like a giraffe on steroids after a few cocktails that may or may not have been roofied. After More party, more bigger, more smiles, more hips, more sexy, own it rock it! More! More! the go-see is deemed a “complete disaster,” and Betsey and Brandon go in search of strippers.

Bestey has a personal appearance at Nordstrom in Los Angeles. It’s her first public appearance since her bankruptcy, and Betsey is not excited about it at all because she does not like Los Angeles. LuLu, on the other hand, is excited about going to Los Angeles on Betsey’s dime because she is meeting with a licensing agent. But LuLu refuses to share a hotel room with her mother because she’s not seventeen anymore. I’m not sure what’s different about an adult unable to support themselves and a seventeen-year-old, but whatever.

LuLu meets with her assistant, Ashley, to pick up Ashley’s sketches that showcase all of LuLu’s looks. LuLu deems it, “just the confidence boost I needed” for the trip to Los Angeles. The sketches are…cute? They’re teensy tiny and LuLu says they are the first thing a licensing agent needs to see to know that LuLu knows how to put together a collection. Which is funny, because LuLu didn’t do the sketches, even a little bit.

Oh gawd, Betsey has a rooster bag that I want. It’s a yellow leather bag with a rooster face on the front, and even though every cell in my body is telling me that it’s ugly, I still want it. Give. Me. That. Bag!!! LuLu is annoyed because Betsey stores some of her clothes in LuLu’s guest closet. Guest closets are not something that normal New Yorkers have, by the way. And, as a reminder, this is the apartment that Betsey purchased for LuLu. So technically, this is Betsey’s closet and everything else is really the guest quarters. Also, guest quarters are not something that normal New Yorkers have, either.

After arriving in Los Angeles, Betsey and LuLu, visit Betsey’s old store on Melrose Place and Betsey laments over how the neighborhood has changed. Yeah. That’s why you went out of business, the neighborhood changed. She claims “the litigators” told her that she couldn’t put a sign in the window thanking her customers. Erm, I happen to be a litigator (for reals, not kidding) and, yeah, I’m guessing that’s not exactly what they said. LuLu is strangely happy that the glory days of her mother’s retail stores came to an end because now they have a second chance. You do realize that Betsey filed for bankruptcy, which is not a happy occasion? And that it’s still not about you? I guess maybe LuLu’s glass is half full (of booze).

Betsey and LuLu wake up super early with raspy, cottonmouthy voices and full faces of make-up. They talk about how nervous they are for their respective days. Then, Betsey starts looking through boxes for her “lucky gold lame tutu dress” which apparently is just like an American Express card because Betsey never leaves home without it. She wears it for the Nordstrom event with her best blonde wig and biggest shiny baubles, and the Madden people arrange for hundreds of women to be at the store to greet Betsey. Aw. It’s a nice event and ends in a split.

Over at ACI Licensing, LuLu and Allison meet with The Other Andy Cohen who mentions his client Cynthia Rowley and nobody else recognizable. LuLu presents the logo and “line sheets” which look like doodles. Andy watches like a professor flipping through a student’s portfolio, and although LuLu tells him, “We personally love, like, vintagey colors?” Andy is not thrilled. Allison mentions Bloomingdales as a store she would like to have her products in, but stores like that with their fancy clothes and walls are of no use to Andy. Instead, he is all about QVC and HSN. And you can almost hear LuLu’s pride shrivel up into a tiny little raisin that doesn’t even have a chocolate coating. Then, The Other Andy Cohen extinguishes the last shred of LuLu’s dignity and says, “The last thing somebody probably needs in the world is another pair of shoes and another sweater.”

With the meeting an unmitigated disaster, LuLu has to think fast. What does she have that nobody else has…what can LuLu Johnson offer to the fashion world…if only my mother was here to tell this Other Andy Cohen what a great designer LuLu hired with Betsey’s money….And then, with a deep breath, LuLu falls just short of snarling, Do you know who my mother is? while still keeping that, So you know who my mother is, right? vibe. The Other Andy Cohen nods his head and notes that LuLu comes from “a tremendous fashion heritage,” and promptly cuts Allison out of the picture by changing the company name to “LuLu Johnson.” Yeah. We hear you, The Other Andy Cohen. You’re going to use LuLu to glom onto the Betsey Johnson brand. Good on you, and goodbye, Allison. It was sort of maybe a little nice not really knowing you at all.

To add insult to injury, Betsey then convinces LuLu that Allison doesn’t really do anything, so it’s okay to cut her name out of the brand. And with that, the Johnsons head back to New York, where Betsey does an interview with Reuters (which she calls Rooters), about casting models for her fashion show.

Next week, the fashion show.

It’s Baaack!

misslinda — Fri, 07 Jun 2013 18:37:57 +0000

Just when you shovel the last mound of dirt onto a television and send a show into the great beyond, the Style Network rushes in with a defibrillator and zaps the life back into XOX Betsey Johnson. Per the brains of the operation:

So tune into the Style Network Thursdays at 8:30 p.m. for the second coming of XOX Betsey Johnson. Or, just read my recaps.

RIP XOX Betsey Johnson

misslinda — Wed, 05 Jun 2013 03:19:16 +0000

I always double-check my DVR to make sure that my stories are recording because I am just that dedicated to the television lifestyle. So imagine my surprise on Sunday night when XOX Betsey Johnson was not in the line-up, and a search under the show’s name turned up no results. When it didn’t appear on the Style Network’s weekly schedule, my last resort was LuLu Johnson’s Twitter feed. After sifting through endless brain drippings, I found one that said the show would be on next week. Huh. That seemed strange, but maybe the Style Network didn’t want to go up against that mind-blowing episode of Game Of Thrones? Or the premiere of The Real Housewives of New Jersey?

The thing is, XOX Betsey Johnson is not on the Style Network’s schedule for next Sunday, either. Or any other day. It’s just…gone. So although no one from the Style Network wants to say it out loud, I’m going to do it for them: XOX Betsey Johnson has been cancelled. Time of death, somewhere between the mid-1980s and the early 1990s.

Now the real fun is speculating as to why the show was yanked off of the air after only three episodes. My guess? Betsey was making the big and powerful Steve Madden, Ltd. look like a bunch of a) fools; b) hacks; and c) opportunists. In other words, bad. Very, very bad. Hopefully someone will start talking soon because I’m kind of dying to hear the dirt. Zina. Call me.

XOX Betsey Johnson, Episode 3: Hoarders and Fluffers

misslinda — Mon, 27 May 2013 17:43:43 +0000

Reprinted with permission from www.hautetalk.com

Betsey’s going through a mountain of boxes to find vintage clothes for her fashion show. She started designing in 1965, so Brad does the math and decides that it’s 47-years of clothing, which Betsey estimates as 40,000 dresses. Sigh. Math is hard.

For the 1960s, there’s a silver miniskirt with studs from her first collection, and “the ultimate dum-dum Twiggy dress.” The 1970s marked the beginning of Betsey’s corniness, with oddball prints and cartoony drawings. The 1980s has a lot of skulls and shoulder pads. Now Betsey’s looking for a Fluffer Dress, which is, literally, a dress that says “Fluffer.” Well, it’s more like lingerie than a dress, but it does say, “Fluffer,” in case you were unclear about the outfit’s purpose.

LuLu has a dinner date with her friends in the fashion industry to tell them how hard she’s been working. “I’ve put together line sheets and boards and, you know, like, mission statements.” She explains that she has been reaching out to licensing agents, but none of them are interested.

Betsey goes to her favorite restaurant and tells the maître d’ that she has a “little house in the woods” outside of East Hampton which is where she will go to find the Fluffer Dress. She may or may not have invited the maître d’ out for the weekend. He must have declined, because she invites LuLu instead, who refers to it as “our Hamptons house,” even though I’m pretty sure LuLu doesn’t have a house, or any possessions of her own, really.

Betsey goes for drinks with Bobby, her ex-beau. He looks at least twenty years younger than Betsey, and he’s trying to get one more vacation out of her. Turns out Bobby was kicked to the curb after he ran up a bill on Betsey’s credit card. In other countries. Without Betsey. Hello, grifter. Bobby tries to talk Betsey back into a relationship by talking about love and missing her and it’s all without an ounce of passion. This guy’s game is weaker than his chin.

LuLu and Betsey go back to their couples’ therapist, and LuLu explains that she doesn’t want to go to the Hamptons because it’s really hard to face the Hamptons because the last time she was there, she was married. Oh yes, it’s very, very hard to face the Hamptons. How courageous she would be, going to the Hamptons. And then the therapist utters the most enabling words I’ve ever heard: “Good luck in the Hamptons, it’s amazing you’re doing this.”

Along with being afraid of the Hamptons, LuLu is also afraid of driving. “Why drive a car when you can just hail a taxi?” Or, you know, take the train? Okay, can we break from the recap for a moment? Here’s something I’m calling Real Talk With LuLu:

LuLu. Hon. I’ve lived in New York City for a good 25 years, and I’ve never needed a car. You know why? Because I walk. With my feet. And when I don’t walk with my feet, I take the subway. And if someplace is too far to take the subway, I take a train. Or a bus. And do you know why I do that? Because if I took a taxi every time I had to get somewhere, I’d be broke. And so would you, if not for the generosity of your mother. So when she says “LuLu I need you to go to the Hamptons with me to find my Fluffer Dress,” just shut up and drive the nice lady to the Hamptons without making it all about you!

Okay, back to the recap. There’s a lot of yelling and slamming on of the brakes, and finally Betsey gets behind the wheel. More yelling, and Betsey pulls over so that LuLu can call a driver. Sigh.

So this “little house in the woods,” it’s massive. And mind-numbingly boring looking. But oh right, I almost forgot, this is about LuLu. She is not ready to be in the house yet, so they go out for dinner. LuLu talks about how much she misses her kids, but seems to have forgotten to take them with her to the Hamptons. After not eating their food, the ladies go home to sleep so that they can start searching for vintage in the barn. Because yes, the “little house in the woods” has a barn. The next morning, Betsey and LuLu start picking through boxes. LuLu stops when she gets a cobweb on her face, leaving Betsey alone in a barn with a lifetime of boxes. Betsey eventually finds her Fluffer Dresses and tosses them down onto the half-acre of gravel driveway where LuLu is waiting for her mother to finish.

Back in Manhattan, LuLu introduces us to Daniel, who is “my interior decorator, who has just become such an amazing friend….” He brings her a chair. While meeting with the amazing friend she pays to be there, LuLu gets a call from a licensing agent named “Andy Cohen,” who is not the same Andy Cohen as the Bravo Andy Cohen. This Andy Cohen is “like, the God of licensing.” Apparently this is the first real step in creating a fashion line, which doesn’t say much for the entire design process.

Meanwhile, Betsey and Brandon are finalizing the vintage looks. She has her intern try on a “boob job” dress, which is two hands at about chest-height with the word “job” in-between. That’s just how deep Betsey goes. After all that work, it’s time for Betsey to feed her child again. Over lunch, she tells LuLu that she is seeing Bobby again, and LuLu flips out. Betsey says that Bobby is crazy about her and loves her and…yeah, so he’s spending her money. But that buys her love, and that’s good, right? I mean, it’s always worked for LuLu. As if on cue, LuLu makes it about her. She’s not outraged about Betsey seeing Bobby. Rather, she’s pissed because Betsey didn’t tell her about it. In the end, Betsey explains that she needs to see Bobby one more time to tell him that it’s over. And how does that go? Great. He tries to work her for a bit, but when it’s not getting him anywhere, he leaves.

Next week: Betsey continues her prep for the show and LuLu meets with the big licensing agent out in Los Angeles.

XOX Betsey Johnson, Episode 2: Symbiotic Psychotics

misslinda — Mon, 20 May 2013 20:09:15 +0000

Reprinted with permission from www.hautetalk.com

Betsey has a big meeting with Madden and Fashion Week on her mind, but she finds time to wander around Central Park. She approaches an artist street vendor and somehow it turns into Betsey drawing the vendor, where we learn that “caricatures are really hard….I never could shade….” The end result is whimsical, bordering on awful.

Betsey noisily arrives at Steve Madden and meets with Zina and Gabriella to go over the plans for Fashion Week. There are three components to the show: a retrospective; the Betsey Johnson branded accessories; and prom dresses. Betsey “needs” rose petals all over the floor, “with strippers and drag queens and trannies…elephants or robots.” Well, at least it’s elephants or robots. Then, Betsey insists upon hiring Poor Brandon, who previously let her know that he was on Hail Hiatus.

LuLu and her assistant, Ashley, meet so that Ashley can show LuLu the designs for LuLu’s line. In other words, LuLu doesn’t design her own clothes, even though “this is the first time I put myself out there as a designer.” You can tell from the dynamic that Ashley is being a teensy bit taken advantage of because of her age (uber young) and LuLu’s industry influence (an uber famous mother who happens to be an investor in LuLu’s company). But good for Ashley, she lets LuLu know that she is about to go over budget with the design revisions. We then learn that none of the twenty-five licensing agents LuLu contacted will work with her, so Ashley’s, er, I mean LuLu’s designs may never see the light of day.

I can only imagine how much money was dangled in front of Poor Brandon, because he decided to end Hail Hiatus and join the Betsey Johnson team. They meet in Betsey’s apartment, where she explains that they have ninety looks and four weeks. This is Brandon’s sixteenth show with Betsey, so he knows the drill. Betsey and Brandon visit their new workspace, which is huge and bright and clean. Betsey shows off her branded products, which are made from Betsey’s doodles. Yup, there’s the five dollar bill scarf, the bunny bag, and he straw hat from last week.

Later that day, Betsey receives her Amex bill, and there’s fifteen grand on there that LuLu needs to explain. Ah, youth. Specifically, youth that can’t seem to support themselves despite being given every advantage an opportunity in the world. And now Betsey’s kicking at LuLu’s door. She used her mother’s card to buy vintage clothing, fabrics, and everything else she needed to get her business together, but forgot to run it past her mother first. If you’re a grown adult with children and your mother is supporting your Upper East Side pilates-toned ass, you need to shut up and take your lumps instead of insisting that your behavior is normal and correct. But instead of, you know, getting a job, LuLu goes out and gets a tattoo. It’s super original—stars.

Betsey is sketching runway looks for a show that’s four weeks away, which is a lesson in how mass-produced clothing happens. Instead of designing clothes and accessorizing the collection, Betsey is designing clothes to go with the already-produced branded products. Hmm. That doesn’t sound right….

At LuLu’s apartment slash workspace, Allison and Ashley finalize their collection so that they will be ready to meet with “potential licensees.” I can only imagine the stories Ashley has about these two yahoos. “Unfortunately it’s going to take a lot more money to pay Ashley….” Ashley sits there, awkwardly watching her bosses figure out where they’re going to get the money to pay her for the work they’ve asked her to do (*cough* ask Betsey). Oh, Ashley. I hope you’re journaling.

At therapy, LuLu explains that she doesn’t like the whole money thing being thrown in her face. Oh, ha! Betsey gave LuLu the apartment as a wedding present! So if LuLu had to support herself for realsies, she’d be living in a cardboard box in a transitional Brooklyn neighborhood and sending her kids to *gasp* public school. But, thanks to her mother’s generosity, she has a posh lifestyle and can call herself a fashion designer. So LuLu, really. You have two choices—either suck it up, or support yourself. Instead, LuLu goes for Option Three and walks out of therapy because she thinks Betsey is trying to humiliate her.

After all of that, LuLu goes to dinner with Betsey and hits her up for more money. “All I’m asking is do you think you could help me with a little more money to pay Ashley just for this project?” Betsey reminds her that she started her business with practically nothing. Betsey wants LuLu to learn the whole business, “the business side, the design side, the song-and-dance side.” But LuLu is not a fan of learning (and why should she be when there’s a human ATM machine sitting next to her) and resorts for cutsey face which is just the most embarrassing display I’ve ever seen. But it works, and Betsey gives her what she asks for because she’s proud of LuLu for asking before taking. Ugh. There isn’t enough therapy in the world to straighten out this pair.

Next week, Betsey’s workspace turns into a mess worthy of Hoarders.