Episode 7: “Move Out Or Move On”

The ladies flip through hundreds of photos of themselves, like a giant mirrored funhouse. Then they get a call from Self Magazine (do people still read those things?) about leading a challenge to drop ten pounds.  And, they’re doing the 2013 spring campaign for Oakley, which…do you have a time machine? Because I don’t have a time machine.

Katrina is afraid of what will happen to Karena once she marries that other guy who lives in their house. Then, Karena goes out on a date with Bobby. They are two sixes in a sea of eights, desperately trying to find the right seven. It’s moving fast, with Bobby talking about making lists with Karena. Aww.

The big sunglass day is finally here. It’s basically the two of them walking in yoga gear, but they keep holding hands which is so not the right campaign. They get the shot, so…that happened.

Karena wants to talk to Brian again about maybe possibly not making her move out of the apartment. But just in case, she looks at some apartments. They are sad little apartments with partial ocean views…oh what? Don’t you think $4,900/month for a one bedroom apartment is maybe a little much for someone without, like, a job? I didn’t smell family money on these two because they look so tacky, but perhaps this is the California version of trust funders. Then, they look at a three-bedroom apartment on the beach, and all of a sudden moving out doesn’t seem like the worst idea in the world. But it’s $10,000/month, so she might need a roommate. Oh, the horror!

Episode 8: “Toned To Perfection”

We’ve finally reached the end of this crapfest. Will Katrina and Brian get married? And will Karena ever move out? Did someone buy their DVD? And a DVD player? The anticipation is killing me.

It’s the day of the Self Magazine photoshoot, and the girls are pissed at each other over the whole moving out thing. They need to get over their sadness for the cameras because the makeup is already doing double-duty.

Once in front of the camera, the crazy lady from the magazine brings up the energy and gets everyone smiling. They toss apples at each other and change into rhinestone workout gear. There are romantic workout photos while the sun is setting, and “bazing, bazam, bazoom,” the photo shoot is over.

It’s girls night, plus Brian. There seems to be a tacky heel contest which is fun. Then Brian brings Bobby over to see Karena’s skin-tight space dress and a black hole joke and exploring the galaxies…sparkling wine time! “We’ll do a bottle of Champagne, and we’ll do a bottle of chardonnay.”

Next, it’s Katrina’s engagement party, a night where they can celebrate each other. Who wears a dress like that to their engagement party? It’s skin tight turquoise stretch velvet mini dress with a zipper up the arse. Seriously. Ugh. Then, Katrina takes Karena outside to tell her that she and Brian have found a place and are moving out because Karena will never, ever leave that apartment. After abandoning her friend, she asks Karena if she will be her maid of honor.

Two weeks later, Katrina and Brian are marking their possessions with neon tape. There’s a lot of rock-paper-scissors which is the ultimate decider. When Katrina finally leaves, they last 47-minutes before calling each other to hang out. And luckily, they’re only two blocks away from each other.

The end. Please. No really, can we please be done with these two? No sequels, no spinoffs, just done.

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Episode 5: “Two’s Company but Three’s a Crowd”

The girls are filming on the beach, and it’s a very professional operation. There’s lots of lipstick, and Karena’s foundation for her one-on-one interviews is totally the wrong color because it’s impossible to replicate the orange glow of tanning cream. Also, when Karena’s under stress, she makes cat noises. Which is weird, because when my cat is under stress, she makes Karena noises. And she wonders why she’s single….

“Action!” *giggles* It’s exhausting because they have to shoot each routine five or six times. Actually, that does sound exhausting. Though these routines look pretty sedentary. In fact, I’m pretty sure I just did a rep sitting on the couch, typing at the television. Oh good, the experts weigh in—the girls wonder why anyone even does these routines since they’re stupid and meaningless. So that’s encouraging.

I think the stylist might’ve just crazy glued Karena’s bikini top to her boob. No, it’s an air gun, they’re using it to cool off Karena’s boob sweat. Excuse me while I vomit. Aww, did no one factor in high tide? No, they did not. The girls are suddenly ankle-deep in water, mid-crunch. Have fun with the soggy yoga mats, ladies. Katrina’s neck goes out during her last shoot but they can’t afford to come back the next day, so she powers through. I’m no doctor, but that doesn’t sound smart.

When Katrina and Karena return to the mainland, they meet with a financial planner. “We’re not really good at finances.” They estimate the value of their products and services at “I don’t know,” “a lot,” and “we grow about 500% per year.” Their financial planner is going to process everything he heard and come back with a financial plan, which should be a hilarious, blank bar chart.

Next week, Brian quits his real life job so that he can focus on his fake television job.

Episode 6: “Change a Comin’”

The financial planner opened Katrina and Karena’s eyes to what they aren’t doing, which is just about everything. So they hired more employees, to do more and be “really, really efficient.” Apparently their employees-slash-relatives ask to be reimbursed for doggie daycare and air freshener, which are standard business expenses for a major fitness “empire.”

Katrina and Karena are visiting a beachy bar to film the mixing of healthy cocktails. Oh good, I needed someone to show me how to make a bloody Mary because I’m an idiot. Watching them try to pronounce “worcestershire” is worth the price of admission, which is thankfully zero.

The video from the bar turned out really well, so it’s time for Champagne, or some other carbonated booze beverage. This ends in Katrina taping Karena to a chair and leaving to meet a wedding planner. Katrina describes Brian as corky (pretty sure she meant “quirky”) and funny, whereas Brian describes Katrina as disorganized and beachy. So a beach wedding. Hey! I’m a wedding planner!

Karena takes trapeze lessons with her friend, Rene. Legs, swings, arms, flips, nets. Rene delicately explains that it’s time for her to move out because take the hint, lady! They’re getting married! Aaand, here we go with the serious music. Karena is a recovered drug addict so…now she’s addicted to Katrina? Something about trust and rocks and blowing up in your face.

Brian quit is day job to focus on growing the company. Oh this is going to be a huge, big mistake. These two, they ain’t no Jack LaLanne. Heck they aren’t even Richard Simmons in drag on a sugar rush.

Next week, the season finale. Yay! We’ll never, ever have to see these yahoos again.

Reprinted from BiteSizeWellness.com

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Katrina and Karena are two interchangeable humans who started an exercise empire by making videos on the beach. That has turned into a multi-bazillion dollar business, so says Karena. Or Katrina. The girls sell diet plans, DVDs, and Purrfect Fit Protein Powders. In other words, crap.

This episode begins with a chant. No, not “ooohhhmmm.” It’s “Sigh! Burrr! Mun! Day! Sigh! Burrr! Mun! Day!” And it’s going to be huge. Of the quarter million spam emails the girls sent out, only six people unsubscribed, which directly translates to a million dollars in new business, right?

Their board meetings are at the beach so that they can take care of business and get tan at the same time. Which means their employees are all hot topless duuuudes. They have a dream launch party for their…DVD? Do people still buy DVDs? They want to get on the shelves somewhere, but…shelves? Like, in stores? Kat’s fiancé, Brian, is one of the topless duuuudes and he is a partner in the company. He uses the word “synergy” and “misfire” and it confounds the girls until he declares, “sex sells!”

Kat starts talking about restraining themselves, which means not peeing in public except maybe the pool. At this point I have to assume that this is all an elaborate hoax. I am not exactly familiar with exercise, or the beach, or people who exercise on the beach, but I am pretty sure that this cannot possibly be for reals. But hey, I’ll play along. So, Kat. Tell me more about peeing in pools.

Oh good, an etiquette coach for the launch party. Always a handshake, never a hug. Karena is incapable of small talk and is an awkward handshaker, so let’s move on to dinner parties. No slurping, or burping. Or shots. Or clanking of forks. And don’t call the kitty cat over. Aww, a cat on the table.

Katrina and Karena are testing recipes for cake pops made with their powdered possibly food product which will be prepared for the launch party. In rolls Will, the agent. He has his work cut out for him, because these two are useless lumps. Invites for the launch party have not gone out, but hey! Cake pops! Brian starts to take notes. Will wants to know what they are launching since their product is already out in the market. Have you invited buyers? No. Reached out to the press? No. Is there a press release? A what? Ugh.

Brian says that the launch party is a “make it or break it moment,” and he feels underprepared. It all comes down to “prioritization.” “Fail to plan, plan to fail.” What else you got, Bri? A shiny new business school degree from your local community college?

It’s the day of the launch party and the girls spend the day getting prettified. It sort of worked. I mean, this is probably the best these two are ever going to look. There’s a step-and-repeat, which is how you know that someone else paid for the party. Everyone who enters gets a hug because they just can’t help themselves. Bill says he’s super happy because it’s super awesome, but this party looks super boring. Imagine a party filled with people really, really into their protein powder. Blech. And oh look, against their etiquette coach’s best advice, Katrina and Karina end up in the pool.

Next week, Brian wants to know when Katrina is moving out.

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