On this week’s Teen Wolf, Isaac is afraid to go full wolfy because he is afraid of people with black masks, like a firefly. They flittered away because they weren’t after Isaac. No, they were after Chris Argent aka Allison’s dad.

A very handsome man (Agent McCall) wants to know if it’s a coincidence that Kira, Stiles, and Scott arrived at the power station at exactly the same time. The very handsome man knows that they are lying, but hasn’t yet figured out why. They all go to their respective homes, and Kira puts on her tightest white tank top to take selfies by candlelight, which I guess are spooky because she’s surrounded by streams of bright light.

Commercials, and now I know that MTV Unplugged is still a thing that happens, and the next one will feature Miley Cyrus. Something something something nothing will ever be Nirvana Unplugged blah blah blah.

Stiles drops his key and when he picks them up, he finds a key that was never there before. Ooh, mystery within a mystery! Lydia’s mother is teaching biology. And she is pissed at the new wolf pack wannabes because they are the bad guys. This is confusing, no?

Kira doesn’t want to talk about that time she zapped a million volts of electricity. She shows Scott that if you take a picture of her using the flash, you can see the electricity zipping around her. This means she needs to get her phone back from the police, and Scott is going to help her. He also recruits Stiles by telling him that there are naked pictures on the phone that Kira doesn’t want anyone to see. They sneak inside the police station because that’s super easy, but her phone is dead so she can’t just delete the photos. So Scott looks for a charger cable and of course there’s just the right kind even though it’s not an iPhone. Scott’s father shows up to the police station, so Stiles tries to stall him with a theory on the case. “Go home, son. There’s a curfew.” But it was just enough time to delete all of the photos, so mission accomplished. Scott then rides off on his motorbike thing with Kira on the back, and they go to a rave. Do kids still have raves? I had no idea.

Somewhere in a darkened room with only one measly lightbulb and no glow sticks, the wannabe wolf is attacked by an even snarlier beast. And somehow, Scott loses Kira in the rave crowd. He uses his red wolf eyes to find her, and she’s glowing with electricity.

Allison is there, too. She isn’t mad at Isaac, but she is sexually frustrated at him. Shirts come off, bodies get painted, and Lydia senses an evil presence at the rave. As if to emulate every horror movie on the planet, her solution is to run away to a remote location where nobody else can find her, except for the evil creature. It turns her into a…I’m not sure what…a comatose zombie?

Isaac has the number five on his ear which, weird! Lydia is found freezing outside. She says, “they came out of the dark!” Off in the distance someone goes full wolf snarl, and Scott hears the call. “Derek?”

Derek orders everyone out of the rave and the evil mask dudes turn on one of the twins. “Why are they all looking at me? Guys?” The wolves spring into action, but the evil creatures are too…evil. Plus, they have swords. “Somebody, do something!” Oh yeah, hon. No problem. Ha! Kira didn’t know about the wolf thing, but now she does, and apparently this all means “your dad’s twenty-four hours are up,” which means it is time to tell the pack that Argent knows something about these evil masked dudes.

Stiles’s key works on the door to a chemistry lab at the school, and he realizes he is the one that left the message on the blackboard to kill Kiera. Uh oh.

by

A man strapped to stretcher is wheeled into a hospital. Ooh! Scary! He must have shrapnel removed, and even speaking with him scares the crap out of the nurse. He starts freaking out over glowing eyes, which means he sees wolves? Or…something else? The surgeon jokingly suggests letting him bleed out, and then some gross blob tumor explodes in the patient’s guts and I think it was filled with flies, and then the patient gets up and skeedaddles out of the hospital. Well, that ain’t normal.

Everyone get on your scooter motorcyclish things, it’s time for school! Goofy looking twin wolverines challenge Scott and Isaac to a growl-off before plotting going back to high school to get Scott to change his mind about letting them into the pack. See, they’re Omegas, and Scott is an Alpha, and Omegas need a pack. I think. Okay, I think maybe I figured out how to tell Scott and Stiles apart. Stiles is the wiry, squirrelly one and Scott is slightly tanner, with better hair.

The twins enroll in school as if it’s that easy, and one of them makes out with Lydia in an empty room, as if it’s that easy, too. Meanwhile, the sweaty guy who escaped from the hospital is stapling himself closed and is spotted in the school. Despite the police running hither and thither all over the school, corralling all of the students in the cafeteria, Allison, Lydia, Stiles, and Scott are allowed to roam free. Lydia mentions that she has been hearing flies buzzing all day long, and it’s getting louder.

The nurse who was all freaked out by the patient? That’s Scott’s mom, and she brings him a bag filled with the patients’ clothes so that her wolf son can track him. Somehow, this leads to Stiles and Lydia deciding he was going to use the boiler room to blow up the whole school. Uh, there were, like, forty trillion leaps of logic in that one. Meanwhile, Kira is still in the library because her earbuds were turned up super loud, so maybe she won’t make it out before the bomb goes off.

Then there are those hot dudes who were strapped to the fence but set free by the shewolf. I’m not sure what they are doing, but it’s definitely not good and involves sharp, pointy objects.

Oh, Kira’s house is amazing. Major modern with a Japanese flair. Her father prepared a delicious sushi dinner for Kira’s new boyfriend, Scott. Despite being an almost-adult living in California, he has never tried sushi and is confounded by chopsticks. But Kira’s father is Korean, family heritages are discussed, and Scott mistakes wasabi for guacamole.

Back at home, Stiles has his walls covered with pieces to the big investigation, with different colored strings connecting them together. How very television crime drama! Then, a breakthrough. Lydia says something that makes him think that they have to run back to the school in the middle of the night. When they get there, it appears that they only really needed a chalkboard to scribble out some formulas that lead them to Kira.

One of the two hot guys has a vision of a wolf, and Allison and Isaac are so close to making out while they try to figure out the fly mystery. His shirt comes off, her shirt comes off, her father walks in, and…awkward!

When Scott leaves Kira’s house, the creepy guy bashes Scott over the head and takes Kira. Two seconds later, Stiles and Lydia arrive to warn Kira because they somehow know. Then, Lydia screams and it triggers something. A buzzing sound…it’s not flies, it’s electricity. The creepy guy was an electrical engineer, so of course he’s taking Kira to an electrical substation. It’s all so simple!

Scott and Stiles run to the nearest power station, leaving Lydia in the car to wait for the cops. Scott sees Kira, and then he gets all sorts of electrocuted, and so does Kira’s face, and the whole place explodes.

Oh, ha, Kira has some magical powers where she sucks up electricity like a vacuum. Well. That’s convenient.

by

Two dudes lost their shirts and are attached to an electrocuted chainlink fence by bad guys who want to know where “maloba” is, but they have no idea what they’re talking about at all. Out comes the scary chainsaw, and a creepy lady armed with a spoon calls off the hounds. “Where is the shewolf?” Okay, so that spoon is more like a very sharp knife, and she chips off Peter’s claw. I mean his finger. Eew?

Running, running, running, and Scott and Stiles find more evidence pointing to the little girl being abducted by aliens. Whatever, it’s about as plausible as anything else. Scott tries to get her scent but he’s much better at it when he’s full wolf. Only he may not be able to turn himself back. Their theory is that Malia started to change while her mother was driving and it freaked her out, causing the crash, and she ran off as a coyote.

In class, Kira tries to get all sorts of involved with Scott by providing additional research on whatever thing it was they were talking about last week. Then Stiles gets up in front of the class and can’t read, which means THIS IS A DREAM! But Scott insists it’s not a dream because he has the right amount of fingers and people in dreams always have extra fingers. Is that true? I tend not to count in my dreams because math. They vow to get it together to help Malia.

Meanwhile, Kira takes Scott’s book bag that he left in class and encounters a coyote wolf thing in the hallway. She drops the bag and runs into the locker room, but the mean dog follows her, sniffing at the air. Snarl, snap, growl, and this pup does not want a belly rub. Scott shows up just in time and smashes it under a row of lockers that conveniently tip over really easily. Stiles tries to convince his sheriff father that they didn’t capture a coyote because it’s really a girl. The dog was looking for the book bag that contained her doll that Scott had picked up in the car wreck.

Back to the hot topless guys on the fence. A woman comes to rescue them. She has been hired to get Derek out of there, but he won’t leave without something that he won’t mention.

Oh how perfect! There’s a tranquilizer that works on werecoyotes (which I guess is what this thing is?) in a matter of seconds. Scott is going to try to use it to turn the werecoyote back into a girl, even though she hasn’t been a girl in eight years. But he’s scared to turn into a werewolf, let alone an alpha werewolf. The only things I know about alpha werewolves I learned from Twilight, and that’s most definitely a reliable source, so that will mean Scott’s entire pack can read his mind. Fun! Then there’s a sexy fight that looks like the cutting room floor from Footloosewhere Scott gets his ass kicked so that he’ll turn.

Allison has an awake dream where she’s dead and being ripped apart in the morgue by werewolves. Isaac calms her down before she shoots him, so that’s sweet. They have to shoot the werecoyote with the tranquilizer before the not-dead kid’s father catches it with a bear trap.

Oh look! Coyote! Gunshots! Stiles realizes there’s something about that doll…the kid’s father stole it…what does it mean…Stiles took a picture of it from the father’s house, and Malia’s little sister is holding the doll. This means something to Stiles which is great because it means nothing to me. Malia brought the doll to the car wreck because her little sister died there, so it’s a graveyard. And they took the doll from the grave, so the coyote is just trying to bring it back. In other words, just give the damned doll back to the coyote and bing bang boom, problem solved. While Stiles is sorting it all out, Lydia steps on a bear trap. Doh! And Stiles can’t disarm it before it destroys her foot because animals can’t read. But then he does, so yay?

Isaac runs into the woods to get his arms caught in bear traps. Allison uses the tranquilizer gun on Malia’s father who is about to shoot Malia in coyote form with a real gun. Then Scott goes all wolfy and yells at the coyote, and Isaac gets a little wolfy, too. And somehow, the coyote turns back into Malia, only it’s eight years later so she’s a naked hot chick instead of a little girl. The sheriff cleans her up and slaps some clothes on her and she hugs it out with her father and all is well in Teen Wolf Land.

But what about those two guys who just got rescued by the chick? They find a crate full of “mountain ash,” which is code for…sand that’s sort of packing peanuts for ancient breakable stuff. And then, a tree stump excretes fireflies that turn into…something.

Reprinted from SurvivingCollege.com

by

We find Stiles whimpering in bed, but then who is stuck in a locker? Stiles? Don’t stop at the water fountain! It’s evil! What, it could be. Erm, what’s growing in the classroom? Killer vines! It was only a dream within a dream, which Lydia helpfully diagnoses as “a nightmare.”

But what is Lydia doing there? Is it a dream within a dream within a Lisa Frank drawing? She begs him not to open the closet door, which leads to a forest as opposed to a field of glitter. He tells himself it’s just a dream, but waking up is so hard. Finally, he’s back in his bed and off to school. He checks WebMD and decides that he suffers from sleep paralysis, and he’s not even sure if it’s real. Which it’s not! Dream within a dream within a dream within ANOTHER DREAM!

Allison arrives at a hospital and it’s all sorts of abandoned, like the opening scene of 28 Days Later but with 37% more flickering lightbulbs. Oh hello, morgue door mysteriously opening. Dream! Dream! It’s a dream! She’s back in school and super freaked out.

Scott rides a motorcycle thingy to school ad sees his wolfy reflection all over the place. Luckily he runs into Stiles, who tries to calm him down. Turns out Stiles, Scott, and Allison are all seeing things because of that thing. You know, that thing that happened last season. They vow to keep an eye on each other until it goes away.

All day, they see things. In history class when Scott makes goo-goo eyes at the new pretty girl, Kira; in art class, when Allison tries to paint something vaguely splotchy; when…wait, can Scott hear Kira’s thoughts? She’s turning him into a Teen Wolf! Stiles rushes him into a conveniently empty classroom and Scott is able to halt the transformation, leaving himself only with bloodied fingers. Because it hurts, he knows that it’s real. But Stiles explains that you can’t read in dreams, and the chalkboard is filled with gibberish, so this must still be a dream! WILL IT NEVER END?!

So I can’t even begin to guess why, but Allison and Lydia are having a bit of archery practice out in the woods. Allison sucks at archery, but she’s really good at seeing things in the murky forest. I really like her boots. Oh! It’s a dream! It’s nighttime and Allison is hunting banshees in the woods…or shooting Lydia in the face with an arrow. Or, she would have, if it wasn’t for Isaac grabbing the arrow at the last second.

Stiles’s father is the sheriff and is following old leads on bite marks, so this whole werewolf thing is going to get cracked wide open any day now.

Stiles falls asleep in school and everyone is talking in sign language. What does it mean? Probably “Carol Anne, don’t go into the light!” But totally creepy, he wasn’t sleeping so much as writing, “wake up wake up wake up wake up” all over his notebook.

Kira overhears the friends talking about what’s going on, and she starts yammering about hallucinatory states in Buddhism. Then some guy says it sounds like Stiles’s subconscious is trying to tell him something, and how convenient! He knows a bit of sign language! Turns out everyone was signing “when is a door not a door.” When it’s a jar. Ha! The door into their minds is still open from when they went underwater, and that’s not good. They need to close the door in their minds.

Stiles’s dad, the sheriff, explains that a little girl went missing eight years ago after a car accident, and he suspects a werewolf caused a car crash and dragged the body away. And he wants Scott to get a lock on the scent. The next day, the sheriff drives to the missing kid’s house where there’s a coyote problem and starts poking around while the boys sneak in and try to sniff out the werewolf scent. There’s a big old dog and it’s not pleased. In the end, they got nothing. But funnily enough, Scott’s father is trying to get Stiles’s father fired. This angers Scott so much that he goes a little wolfy, but pulls himself back from the brink with the help of his mommy. Aww.

(GIF via Teen Wolf/Tumblr)

Then, Scott wakes Stiles up in the middle of the night to go find the dead kid’s body. After about five minutes of poking around the overturned car, they decide it really was a werewolf. And it’s back, and it’s growly, and Scott runs after it, and he’s a really fast runner. He catches up, and it’s the dead kid, Malia, which is probably really important.

Next week, a shirtless Derek and Peter are looking fantastic shackled to a torture device.

Reprinted from SurvivingCollege.com

by