This week begins with a visit to Marissa’s moderate home so that she and Caroline can drone on and on about Thanksgiving. The ladies flop down in bed, perform the ritualistic Removal Of The Boots, and reminisce about a Thanksgiving dinner that, thankfully, landed on the cutting room floor.

Meanwhile, Annabelle, Marissa, and Julie navigate a gallery opening littered with bear traps. Julie is thrilled that anyone wants to take her photo, oblivious that the photographers are only snapping her shot in the hopes that Annabelle will wander into the frame. I guess cast-off attention is better than no attention in the reality television world….

Oh jeez, it’s Caroline and Caroline. How am I supposed to recap this crap? Buttery Blonde Caroline and Slightly Brassier Caroline? Oh wait—the newer Caroline is a Baroness! So it’s Caroline and Baroness Von Caroline of the Haughty Taughty Carolines. “I come from a really important, old, aristocratic Danish family.” Well, at least she’s modest.

Baroness Caroline is having a fahncy pahtay and Julie wrangles herself an invitation, plus one. She’s bringing Juliet as her date, and OMG! What to wear? WHAT TO WEAR?! They borrow two of Annabelle’s red McQueen dresses because who doesn’t have spare red couture lying around the house? The party is done to the nines and, I have to say, Baroness Caroline’s dress is stunning. She manages to pull off effortless elegance, barefoot because why not, and is quickly turning into my favorite Lady. Until she speaks. “My parents, my grandparents, my great parents, have been renowned for throwing the most incredible dinner pahtays.” Just, ugh.

Hahaha, Baroness Caroline serves Cheetos to the ‘muricans. Okay, she’s my favorite again.

It’s goose for dinner, but Juliet doesn’t eat goose. It’s like Fopperton Estates all over again with this one. Baroness Caroline dives right in and gnaws on a goose wing with her bare, ladylike hands, hawking up what is either a chortle or a hairball for good measure. And for dessert, fruit. But much like Juliet and the Goose (not a bad name for a children’s book), Caroline doesn’t eat fruit. It’s all due to a terrible boarding school incident that was traumatic enough to remove an entire food group from Caroline’s pyramid. But Baroness Caroline is having none of it and force feeds Caroline an orange glob because that’s what friends do, right? Then, before the last citrus has been swallowed, Baroness Caroline kicks everyone out of her home. Did I mention that I really, really like this Lady?

The next drama surrounds a holiday party at Royal Albert Hall. Marissa doesn’t invite Juliet to the Christmas Carol Sing-Along which I thought was something that didn’t require an invitation from Marissa so much as a donation to the appropriate charity, but what do I know, I still eat my goose with a knife and fork. Ooh, Annabelle calls Marissa “upper aspirational middle class” for hosting the party. Zing!

So what does Juliet do while everyone of any import is at Royal Albert Hall? She meets her husband for a drink outside, in the winter. It’s as sad as it sounds, and later that evening or week or month, Juliet has a drink with Marissa which is even sadder. Juliet, honey. Just stop trying so hard. You do you, but quietly in the corner.

Next week, “Did you just straddle my husband?” “We both did, dahling.”

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Our Ladies Of London are back, and have there always been two Carolines? Plus there’s a Juliet and a Julie?! One of the “blondes” needs to change her hairstyle because I cannot tell these ladies apart. Sigh. Stiff upper lip etc.  

We’re off to a great start as Caroline barks orders at her many employees, completely disobeying the blinking pink neon sign above her desk imploring her to “Be Nice!!” After instilling fear in everyone who relies on her for a paycheck, Caroline is driven to Juliet’s house, and possibly to drink. The trip is exhausting, and she cannot believe she has to go “south of the river.” I guess it’s like having to visit someone in New Jersey which I might totally understand except she has a chauffeur so OMG shut up!

Juliet’s house in Clapham is pretty lousy looking. Her life doesn’t sound much better. Her husband had to move anywhere other than near Juliet five days per week because, seriously, who could put up with Juliet on the regular? But, there’s a bright side. Juliet tells us that it’s a five million dollar house even though it looks like a hole-in-the-wall. No, really. There’s a hole in the wall.

But that was just the first of too many road trips this season. Over in a totally other car, Julie and Annabelle are on their way to Fopperton Estates. Julie explains that in England, estates go to the first-born son, which is her husband, Luke. And that’s a really, really big responsibility. Like it or not (and I think he likes it a lot), Luke must live on Fopperton Estates many days a week. Are you sensing a theme here? Yeah. Nobody wants to be around these ladies.

Flash forward to a totally other day and Marissa is explaining Thanksgiving to Annabelle on a street corner like a commoner. Then, Julie rolls up on a bicycle, completely astounding Marissa and Annabelle who have never seen a countess in sweaty spandex before….I guess they don’t watch the Real Housewives of New York? It’s off to shop for Thanksgiving food in the canned goods aisle just as Caroline and Juliet arrive because it takes five ladies to buy one turkey. Marissa offers up her restaurant for the meal, but Juliet doesn’t want to have Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant. Meanwhile, Caroline thinks this whole thing reeks of social climbing desperation which is lulz because Annabelle is leaning against a shelf of Pepperidge Farm^® Goldfish^®.

Back at home, Caroline manages her personal assistant and the other non-personal assistant and the backup assistant and the nanny and the housekeepers. Whew! I’m exhausted just thinking about having to manage so many people. And all at once, too! Juliet arrives to rehash The War On Thanksgiving. To shut her up, Caroline volunteers her own home for the stupid Thanksgiving dinner. But wait! Caroline has a cocktail party the night before! But it doesn’t matter because Caroline’s staff can just work harder.

But who’s going to break the news to Marissa? Oh right, Juliet. Tradition, words, home, tradition, love, more words, in a home, rush to leave, unbuckling the top button, blah blah blah it’s also Juliet’s birthday….and so Juliet is having Thanksgiving dinner at Caroline’s house. Marissa rants about a turkey birthday cake which sounds disgusting and I’m waiting for one of them to shout, “Hold my earrings!” But no, it’s more passive-aggressive than aggressive-aggressive.

That is, until Caroline’s cocktail party. Marissa arrives with turkey hats for everyone, which nobody wants ever. Go give your tacky turkey hats to someone who cares, Marissa. Like Martha Stewart. Juliet rolls in a bit more than fashionably late. She is underdressed in the way that a frumpy person looks when she puts on her very best outfit. Marissa takes Juliet aside to call her out on her party pooping. Juliet didn’t want to hang out with Marissa’s friends on her big Thanksgiving birthday, and now Marissa is the idiot who threw a birthday party for a person who couldn’t even bother to show up. Bicker bicker, blah blah blah, and this is all happening in the middle of Caroline’s cocktail party. And you know what’s the most annoying thing? Besides Juliet, of course. It’s nowhere near Thanksgiving but now I really want turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce. Thanks a lot, ladies.

Next week, Caroline makes a homely lady choose people to fire, and one of the ladies eats chicken wings at a fancy party.

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I missed the first twenty minutes of this show-slash-dreck because my DVR hates me and tuned in just as Caroline bounces Caprice out of her house. The argument has something to do with Noelle and Marissa, but I cannot for the life of me figure out what, or why, or who am I kidding? Nothing these ladies do makes any sense at all so it’s best to just roll with the verbal punches.

Caprice is packing for the good ol’ U.S.A. even though she’s a million months pregnant and will return with two babies. She calls Annabelle to fill her in on the draaaaahma. According to Caroline, Caprice never greeted her at her own party, and brought other people gifts. And, she called Caroline a bully in her own home. So… that’s it? That’s what got Caprice thrown out of a dinner party. Hmm. I guess maybe I didn’t miss much after all.

Annabelle encourages Caprice to call Caroline and talk through their problem because she’s a pot-stirrer. Instead, Noelle calls Caroline to tell her that she’s done being in the middle. By trying to make everybody happy, she makes nobody happy. When it’s time to pick sides (because they are twelve years old and this is the playground?), Marissa (who isn’t even in this conversation) decides to take Noelle’s side, and I didn’t even think Noelle had a side. I’m so confused!

In Los Angeles, Caprice’s surrogate pops out the first kid and they bring it to Caprice like a prize. I guess it’s that simple? Once the check clears it’s, “Here, have a baby.” Then, Caprice goes into labor and cranks out Baby Number Two, who is declared “the sweetest.”

Annabelle’s horse racing coach visits her in her invalid state. The race was very exciting, but everybody missed dear Annabelle. To cheer her up, the racing coach reveals the McQueen striped and skull silk blouse that Annabelle would have worn if she hadn’t gotten herself all busted up. I’m not really feeling this whole “McQueen Designs From Beyond The Grave” thing. Stick to vintage, ladies.

A polo party! Whee! All of the ladies except for Caprice and poor busted Annabelle attend. It is announced that Caprice had her babies, but Juliet doesn’t care one bit. Noelle and her not-yet-divorced boyfriend claim that they are very happy together, but it seems… forced. Horsies! And men on horsies! Playing a game I do not understand. And the Royals are in attendance! Then, a dance party. Because when I think of a polo match, I think of autotune.

Oh! Cavalli! Drink!

In a last bit of news before the conclusion of this series, Caroline and Caprice no longer speak. Yet the earth continues spinning.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

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Caroline visits Annabelle on her near-death bed. Annabelle’s “I’m so weak and can’t get out of bed” yet her makeup is flawlessly effortless, as is her completely wrinkle-free grey heathered t-shirt. Caroline calls her incredible for checking herself out of the hospital and taking care of herself at home, but I believe the word she was looking for is stupid. Or maybe overly dramatic? No, that’s two words. Definitely just stupid.

Caprice is the next lady to pay her respects to the poor invalid Annabelle. It is explained that this is the “second worst accident you can probably have.” Good to know.

There’s another dinner party, this time hosted by Caroline. But first, Caroline wants to teach her friends etiquette. Because it’s totally good manners to give your guests etiquette lessons as a condition to attending your dinner party. She invites Noelle and Juliet, and to set the tone, Caroline arrives in denim shorts. The etiquette coach fails Noelle for “plunking herself down” and “putting elbows on the table.” There’s also the way Noelle is sitting, sipping, and finally Juliet arrives. Late. To etiquette class. Noelle scoops her soup incorrectly, Juliet slurps her noodles, and I think Juliet had a recent appointment with her Botox specialist because she’s having trouble achieving facial expressions beyond surprise and incredulity. Or maybe those are just the two most appropriate facial expressions for the occasion.

It’s finally time for the party and Caroline’s chef takes a break from gutting fish to recite the evening’s menu. The staaaaaahhhf do a run-through of the arrival. Oh my goodness, is her assistant a five-pack-a-day smoker? That voice! It’s like a foghorn on a sunny day reciting poetry to a bullfrog.

Noelle wears a skanktastic gold leather bondage-y dress, Marissa is in something resembling Laura Ashley’s housecoat, and Juliet bridges the two looks with Holly Hobby On A Bender. Upon arrival, Noelle explains that she drank Caroline’s gift on the way. So…etiquette class worked out really well for everyone.

On next week’s Season Finale, Caprice arrives to talk some delusional truths before giving birth in a hospital gown more believable than the one Annabelle has been sporting.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

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You know what really huge and important thing happened in London today? The third stage of the Tour de France rolled through town, right up to Buckingham Palace. But this show is nice, too.

The ladies are still at Flopperton Gardens, except for Caprice who skedaddled under the cover of darkness. A truce is called between the Brits and the ‘muricans when it is decided that Caprice must be hormonal. Juliet is the only “lady” who won’t sign the treaty. Instead, she stands on her principles, which are like really uncomfortable shoes for the soul.

Annabelle drives to the stables to practice her horsing. It’s three weeks until her big race where her horse, Mr. Fickle, will jump over obstacles while Annabelle wears a helmet with a pom-pom on top. She rides like it’s her first time on horseback, barely getting the horse to a cantor before Mr. Fickle slows down to a slow, easy sashay. He lets out a whinny as if to say, “With all of the Real Housewives franchises, this is the best you could do? Seriously?”

The ladies gather for breakfast at a little roadside diner called The Acorn Inn. Marissa runs out of the restaurant because she empathizes too much, and something about Juliet being not a nice person. “That hurts me that it hurts you, that it was not my intention to sunny side up your opinion in the moment.” Then, Juliet rushes out in a whirlwind of f-bombs. And it’s only breakfast!

Noelle finally gets a rental apartment with her still-married boyfriend, Scot. That’s a rather ordinary sofa, Noelle. Ikea? Marissa’s house, however, is lovely. She is all dolled up in enviable green strappy patent leather sandals so that she can take an oath of citizenry to Queen Elizabeth II and everybody’s favorite ginger, Prince Harry. Now she can say things like, “Maintaining the Royal Family costs just one pound per household so it’s totally worth it,” and, “Peas are way better when they’re mushy, y’al!” Noelle’s husband gets her a pair of diamond and pink earrings that are so not my style to congratulate her on becoming a shell of her former self. The box says “Faberge,” but the earrings say, “discount bin at Harrods.”

Later that week, Noelle hosts a charity event for Chasing Zero in a dress that looks like it was pilfered from Mariah Carey’s closet. Caprice will be there and has heard what Caroline and Juliet said about her, and… how did Caroline get roped into this mess? Oh what? Does Caroline have a wrist tattoo? I bet it says, “These Veins Run Cold.” Juliet (in unflattering canary yellow) and Marissa (in a skirt that used to be the bottom half of an ostrich) hug it out before entering the party… so that drama fizzled like a white wine spritzer.

The word of the day is “Cavalli.” Three of the women appear to be contractually obligated to shop at Cavalli for clothes that will turn up on a sale rack in Century 21 in less than a year. It becomes a thing when Caroline learns that Caprice asked Noelle and Marissa to throw her a baby shower when Caprice had already asked Caroline to throw her one, and why doesn’t Caprice have real friends or, like, family, who want to celebrate the birth of her child?

Oh, poor Mr. Fickle. You must run, and run fast. And then, you must jump high. And you must do all of this with an inexperienced rider on your back. And you didn’t mean to toss Annabelle to the ground like yesterday’s news, but she just would not shut up. I’m a little unclear on why Annabelle is wearing a hospital gown in her own home, and who propped her up on an old Victorian and totally uncomfortable fainting couch. She has a broken pelvis and cannot wash or go to the loo, and… TMI, Annabelle!

Next week, Caprice has too many baby showers and Annabelle seems to have made a full and swift recovery.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

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And all of the ladies are headed to Julie’s finace’s family’s home, which has something to do with sandwiches. Annabelle sighs that she feels “so well looked aaaahftaaahhh” at Julie’s fiance’s family’s estate, known as Flopperton Gardens. There’s talk of sandwiches and creamed tea and champagne on the croquet lawn, and the charmingly befuddled staff has been fully briefed. Annabelle is the only lady invited to stay at the estate itself, while everyone else is stuck in the town’s finest motel just a few miles away. It has a lovely view of the train tracks, and on a clear day you can see the water shimmering on the moat, protecting Flopperton Gardens from the commoners. Which seems a little rude, right?

Flopperton Gardens is a tad on the dilapidated side of “historical,” and is Lady Flopperton wearing tie dye? Juliet arrives dressed in traditional clown garb and needs to use the loo-slash-bathroom-slash-washroom-slash-toilet-slash-crapper. Caroline brought her makeup artist who must wait back at the motel until summoned.

Caprice and Annabelle make their grand entrance dressed in breezy summer black. Even though the ladies are staying all the way over at the Budget Inn, they must change before meeting the Lady Floppington for a tour of the gaaaaahdens. Many wear their most formal Daisy Dukes, but Caroline opts for classically ripped jeans. Then, it’s time for clay pigeon shooting. Annabelle brings her own tweed vest and cap and shoots the heck out of those clay discs. When it’s Juliet’s turn, Caroline calls her stance, “Juliet mid-crap, I mean honestly!”

It’s finally time for champagne and a picnic lunch. The ladies learn that dinner will be venison, and Juliet freaks out because Bambi. She insists on not eating Bambi, which the other ladies deem to be an insult, so the stage is set for an awkward meal.

One wardrobe change later, and dinner is served. Many jokes are made about the costumes. Juliet is dressed like a scullery maid, Caroline’s vagina is showing in Saint Tropez, a world-renowned cellist is wearing a t-shirt and no cello, and Noelle is giving two ostriches a piggyback ride on her shoulders. In sum, when Caprice is the most elegant looking person at a dinner party, you know something has gone terribly wrong with the guest list.

At the end of the meal, Caroline and Juliet slip out for a cigarette (which even this stupid American knows is rude rude rude). When they return, Bambi is served. Caprice negotiates a bargain wherein Noelle trades Juliet a hunk of meat for a pile of veggies. Plates are passed and, it is…weird? Bizarre, but not in a quirky way. Then, Juliet asks Annabelle to meet her in what I can only imagine is the drawing room for the Battle of Passive Aggression.

Much to the producer’s dismay, the Juliet and Annabelle thing fizzles faster than a cheap cava. The party ends, but Caprice hangs back to try and get in with the cool kids. Have I mentioned that Caprice’s maternity dress is gorgeous? It’s a long blue flowing blue satin floral cut in a way that shows off just the right goods. And I hate loving her dress, because she is fairly awful.

Over at the Motel 6, Caroline’s houseboy serves the ladies pink champagne in bed. For once, everyone is content.

Next week, Caprice ditches the ladies for a better time elsewhere, and Marissa wants to toss Juliet out the window.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

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This is the episode where we must pretend there is a huge battle brewing between Juliet and Annabelle over The Panty Party Incident. But it’s really not much of anything, because Americans are famous for making something out of nothing. So, play along and enjoy the faux fight.

Caprice is busy getting prettified to the extent it’s even possible by a crew from a magazine I’ve never heard of before. But all Caprice can think about is poor, waif-like Annabelle, who she cannot reach by phone, telex, or carrier pigeon. And here I thought those two were besties.

Equally tragic is Juliet, who preorders the classiest white wine spritzer in all of England so that it will be waiting for her when she arrives at the restaurant. It’s almost like Juliet is London’s version of Ramona Singer. While enjoying her beverage, Caroline telephones to admonish Juliet for yelling like a lunatic on the street, which, note to self, is so not British. I’m learning so much from this show!

Juliet hosts a hat party to sort out British hat etiquette for the Sandown Race, which is yet another horsie event. The hats are all pink and purple, but otherwise lovely. Noelle, Marissa, Caroline, Caprice, and one of Caprice’s hangers-on attend. Caroline is decidedly anti-chapeau and won’t even try one on. Caprice also just doesn’t give a damn about hats and bails out early which is only partially rude.

Noticeably absent from Hatfest 2014 is Annabelle. She is busily “working a show” for the first time in forever. It’s a fashion show in an underground tunnel, and I’m entirely unclear on what work Annabelle is actually doing, really. She says that she’s helping with the press, models, “backstage stuff,” so I suppose asking a model in clearly uncomfortable shoes, “how’s walking in the shoes?” without offering a better solution like, for instance, crawling, is work. Liberally dispensing air kisses also counts as work these days. Before the show begins, Annabelle proclaims, “It’s so ghetto, I love it.” Nice, Annabelle. Keeping it classy.

Caroline takes Caprice baby shopping (not for an actual baby, but for baby accessories). They bond like oil and vinegar, so Caroline offers to throw Caprice a baby shower. The problem is, Caroline lives a full half an hour outside of London, which is totally inconvenient for Caprice’s friends. Which, to be fair, I can totally understand. New Jersey is only a half an hour outside of New York, but you won’t catch me at a party in Hoboken.

The ladies are off to the races in their fancy hats, except for Caprice and Noelle who aren’t doing hats. Caprice rehashes The Panty Party Incident for the millionth time in the confines of a crowded limousine. That does not go over so good, so she hugs it out with Juliet once they reach their destination, while simultaneously declaring Annabelle to be one of her best friends. Juliet is wearing a pretty pink floral number, but it’s cut too girly for her age. Sorry, but it’s true. She is about ten years past the point where a baby dollish dress is flattering. Noelle, on the other hand, looks stunning in an autumn watercolor print and a perfectly arranged messy bun that borders on U.F.O. while still looking natural. Well, it’s nice to see that the ladies can sometimes look like ladies.

Next week the ladies go to an estate to have sandwiches.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

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Happy Fourth Of July! (I know it’s only June, but shhh! Just play along.) What kind of idiot celebrates America’s independence from England in England? These kinds…

Juliet is sipping elegant white wine spritzers with Marissa in a pub. The pub owner is just shaking his head in the background, counting his Bravo cash. Soon, Marissa will finally receive her British citizenship and is hosting a Fourth of July party with Juliet to celebrate. Marissa insists that drinks in jam jars are Americana whereas Juliet wants the party to be the classy kind of Americana. Like the kind you find at a party supply store. They call Caroline to invite her to the party and, thankfully, she is conscious of the absurdity of hosting a Fourth of July party in England. Meanwhile, Caprice’s dog is eating its own poop. She insists her face sells underwear and swimwear, but I’m still unable to get past the fact that she’s trying to pass herself off as forty-one.

Annabelle’s grandmum has such a thick British accent that she needs adorable subtitles. There’s a lot of royal name dropping which seems to be a hobby with these ladies, and gratuitous mentions of Alexander McQueen. Ugh. Just stop already! He was a brilliant designer, and you are not a brilliant anything.

It’s social media time at Caroline’s brand which sells gifts for rich people who think so little of their loved ones that they can’t be bothered picking out a meaningful gift themselves. More name dropping, a splash of vintage Cartier, and Caroline practically admits that she is just as tacky as the Americans.

The Fourth of July party will be hosted at Marissa’s husband’s new restaurant. Choosing food involves the chef preparing many dishes that will mostly go to waste. First are baby back ribs, which are deemed unacceptably messy. Next, a burger. It is too big. Finally, a lobster roll is juuuuuust right.

There are small-but-wavable American flags, American flag wall decorations, American flag doodads, and little teeny tiny British flags stuck somewhere near the food trays. Juliet arrives to help set up a party that has already been set up in a sweatshirt and cut-off shorts which is the traditional garb of the American hillbilly.  Aaaand there’s a banjo player.

Caprice drags her boyfriend to the festivities and Juliet’s husband schleps their kid around the room. In keeping with the theme, Caroline wears jeans with holes in the knees. And in keeping with the theme of the party which seems to be “irony,” Caroline ironically inquires into the location of the rest of Juliet’s jeans.

Annabelle looks like she not just doesn’t want to be there and has already fired her lawyers for letting them slip this appearance into her contract. She is dressed in black in honor of the civil war this party is meant to celebrate. Aww, Juliet keeps trying to jump into a conversation Annabelle is having with anyone but Juliet, and it’s grating on Annabelle’s nerves. She tells Juliet to slow down, and then to shut up. Which is rude, yes. But still.

Marissa gives a short and sweet toast, and Juliet sings the national anthem. Annabelle calls it the “Star Strangled Banner,” which is not clever but definitely on target. Then, it’s the traditional Gifting Of The Knickers, and it’s too much for Annabelle. She walks out in disgust at the first sight of underwear at the dinner table. To be fair, the party really sucks so I can’t blame her for leaving. Juliet goes after her to have words and Annabelle calls her “special needs.” Well that’s a new low. Caprice is also “so done” and goes to find Annabelle because Annabelle is far closer to royalty than any of the schmucks at the table. When Annabelle isn’t interested in being comforted by the tacky American in the polka dot toga, Caprice returns to the party where, likewise, she is not wanted.

Next week, Caroline plans a baby shower for Caprice and the entire venue is flooded.

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Marissa owns a restaurant with her husband, which makes her working class. Juliet deems the restaurant “cute” and orders a fish pie and a white wine spritzer, which makes her déclassé. They are preparing for The Serpentine, a big and British fahhhncy pahhhty. Oh I do so love a pahhhty.

Noelle meets her boyfriend for a meal that resembles lunch so that she can hear all about his divorce proceedings. She reminds him about the time last year that it was supposed to be over and they were supposed to be married and this was supposed to have happened but… where is he hiding his money? I think maybe she would like him to hide his money in her pockets. Oh, and Noelle does not have tickets to The Serpentine.

Speaking of hiding, Caprice has a couple of babies stashed in her belly and has her own baby viewing party machine hooked up to a laptop. But now I’m confused because the baby is being baked by a surrogate in a different country, so… was she looking at a burrito baby in her belly? Oh wait—she is having one baby herself, and another by a surrogate. Totally not weird at all, I can’t believe that was ever confusing. Her births are on the cover of the tabloids because she called the tabloids and asked them to let everyone know that this is not at all strange. This is deemed tacky since she took the story to the tabloids herself which is not how real Brits operate.

It’s party day and all of the best ladies are getting their hair looking its best as well. And then there’s sad Noelle, having her hair did in hopes of acquiring a pair of last minute tickets from a scalper behind the stadium. Did you try StubHub, Noelle? Caroline is wearing “couture Cavalli” which, if you ask me, is an oxymoron. She is not in the mood for “The Caprice Show,” which means a quick cut to Caprice having her own beauty session. Marissa’s dress is gold lamé, yet somehow breezy and casual. Oh ha ha, no tickets for Noelle but she’s going to Marissa’s pre-party anyhow. Awkward? Or just very American?

The ladies converge on a bar for cocktail hour with Marissa. Caroline’s Cavalli is relatively hideous in that it’s a jade green, ill-fitted sparklefest. Luckily Caroline has an extra ticket for the party, so Noelle gets to grub and grovel for a seat at the big girl’s table. Juliet arrives after a long day of dressing important people, but cannot say who. Or what. Or where. Then, Caprice galumphs in wearing a peach turtleneck tube dress with very visible panty lines and giant metallic green bugs on the front. No, I’m not making this up. Oh thank goodness, Annabelle breezes in sporting the loveliest McQueen gown. It’s all silk and swish and she looks like a rose in bloom and makes Caprice’s dress seem even more ridiculous.

Aww, this is sad. There’s, like legitimately famous people at this event, so nobody really wants to take the photos of the reality television wanna-be famous people. Thankfully Bravo hired a few photographers so the girls get their flash-flash-click-click-turn-this-way-ladies moment.

Next week, Annabelle mentors a young fashion designers and Juliet hosts a Fourth Of July party in the traditional American garb—Daisy Dukes.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

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My favorite Real Housewives are New York, followed by Orange County, and then maybe Beverly Hills. But I’m ready to switch it up and cross the pond for some Real Brits. Or, rather, two Brits and a smattering of Americans who married into the crown. Let’s meet our ladies:

Caroline
Caroline is a member of an Olde English Family. She is married to an investment banker and claims to have “mixed with the royals from a very young age.” She runs some sort of gifts-­‐for-­‐rich-­‐people-­‐who-­‐can’t-­‐be-­‐bothered-­‐to-­‐pick-­‐out-­‐their-­‐own-­‐ gifts business.

Caprice
A trashtastic former “sex symbol” transplant from ’murica, Caprice is about as British as Madonna but with a fraction of the class. One of her claims-­‐to-­‐fame is having dated David Spade, so…yeah. Oof. Caprice thinks she has been accepted into British social circles, but her British frenemies have their own thoughts on the matter.

Annabelle
I adore this chick. She was Alexander McQueen’s muse, and I want all of her clothes. That unicorn sweater! The “God Save The Queen” military jacket! GIVE ME THOSE RIDING BOOTS!!!

Noelle
Noelle is another Stupid American. She’s a former model from Seattle, because Seattle and London go together like peanut butter and kiwis. She is a very successful gold digger who is currently dating a man who served jail time for something involving money. And like a good girlfriend, Noelle vows to leave him if he can’t get the case sorted out.

Juliet
This one is a Chicago girl who has only been in London for three years. She lives in a bad part of town, south of a river. She used to know famous people, but now she’s just boring. And very, very American. She is…noisy.

Marissa
Marissa is a California blonde married to “a Brit.” She was shunned by London society…until everyone learned that her husband owns a very exclusive nightclub. She dresses like Holly Hobby’s awkward younger sister for a day in the park with her husband and small child. Marissa is thisclose to becoming a UK citizen to avoid a long cue at customs.

Juliet visits Marissa at her mansionette. The two Americans attempt to make a cup of tea and fail miserably. They gossip about Noelle and her jailbird husband and his broken finger. It broke while he was putting on skinny jeans. Juliet does not want to be associated with Noelle’s husband. The word “shady” is bantered about, and then the ladies arrive at an empty restaurant for afternoon tea. “It’s so cuuuute! It’s so cute here! So cute!” Noelle is there, and she doesn’t want to talk about her husband. Juliet pushes and pushes and pushes, and Noelle is having none of it, nope. Not a bit.

Noelle and Caprice go to lunch so that Caprice can give Noelle advice on how to get by in their adopted town. Caprice’s advice is to not be so pretty, which she seems to have taken to heart. “Some people think Noelle is a golddigger—I just think she’s a hustler.” Oh well that’s much better!

Caroline is preparing for “a nice, sophisticated day out” with Caprice and Annabelle. It’s Polo In The Park, which I think is the British version of Shakespeare In The Park. In one car, the Brits. In the other, the Yankees. They all converge on a…box? Are there boxes at polo matches? Like, reserved standing areas? The Brits mock the Americans for being overdressed, and for the fawning. They bond over knowing nothing about polo. “Nobody goes to polo to watch polo.” And nobody talks about going to polo to watch polo, either.

Next week a royal baby and a fashion show.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

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