Settle in and brace yourself for another reality show featuring the Beast of the East, Abby Something-Or-Other, as she trains tortures eleven young girls and their overbearing Dance Moms. The kids have two days to learn new routines in the hopes of winning a hundred thousand dollars and a scholarship to the Joffrey Ballet School of New York.

Abby emerges from behind a curtain slathered in makeup. She explains this week’s theme: Fame. Abby challenges the contestants to do an audition in a Group Dance that will test of all their skills. JoJo is 9 and from Nebraska, and I predict that she will be the first one eliminated because her mother tells her to push her way to the front and middle and she wants to win for the shoe money which is perfectly reasonable for an adult, but not for a child. The last dancer standing will be the winner and will receive a reward. Ah ha ha ha ha JoJO is the first one out of the challenge.

Dancing, kicking, Stretching, and Ally something-or-other is gone, then twin boys because they lack flexibility in their back legs. Next is Serena, and Trinity did some sort of backflip that was not part of the choreography. I guess that was enough because Trinity won the challenge. She gets to pick two other dancers to dance with her in a trio in the style of Beyonce. She picks Chloe and Ally.

JoJo and Travis are doing a duet in the style of Gene Kelly, and it’s a mess because it’s a tacky routine rather than an elegant dance. Chloe, Ally, and Trinity practice their Beyonce-inspired routine, and Chloe’s mom is worried because the dance is a tad risqué for her taste. Tyler, Haley, and Sarina are learning a Michael Jacksonish routine. Haley has no idea what she’s doing, and Abby rips into the eleven-year-old child for being nervous. Kalani, Gianna, and McKaylee are struggling with their Madonnarama routine. Well, Gianna is struggling with the routine because she is used to people handing her trophies for much less work.

It’s showtime, and the kids are getting sparkly with the moms stretching them out and psyching them up. Abby is the head judge, along with the lesser judges Richy Jackson and Rachelle Rak.

First up are Gianna, Kalani and McKaylee dancing to one of Madonna’s worst songs that nobody knows. Um, what? Gianna falls on her ass! That ain’t good. But overall, they worked well together. Next is the Beyonce routine. Oof. Each kid is worse than the next. Amateur hour. Why do the judges like this? Oh wait, Abby calls Trinity “dumb” for letting Ally wear the shiny red outfit. She’s such a nice lady. Now it’s time for The JoJo Show, with her trusty sidekick Travis. Hmm. Those kids can dance. She’s good. I kind of hate her. Last up is Hayle, Tyler and Sarina and their King O’ Pop dancy dance to a leftover B-side. Oops, that Haley kid doesn’t stick her landing and the performance is frenetic and choppy.

Bring out the kids! Tyler, Chloe, JoJo, McKaylee, Travis, Kalani, and Ally are all safe from elimination. Now, Abby is going to make some kids cry. First is Trinity, who had a lackluster performance on stage. But since she did so well in the prior challenge, she gets to stay. Gianna had an ass-plant, Haley’s tuck was all wrong, and Serena screwed up the choreography. Then, Serena’s mother blathered on with about a thousand excuses, including blaming the choreographer. Not a good idea, lady. Gianna is safe, and now we’re down to two freaked-out kids. Serena is going home, and she manages to squeak out a polite, “Thank you for giving me this opportunity,” before heading backstage in a pile of sequins and tears.

Next week, Lady Gaga sends the kids a message and the moms continue their horribleness.

Photos: mylifetime.com

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