Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

It’s amateur hour in the meth lab, with the bosses going masks-free, not-Matt Damon only achieving 76% purity, and a clear lack of a blue tint in the product. Lydia is not pleased. The meth must be blue.  Not-Matt Damon’s phone rings (nice “She Blinded Me With Science” ringtone, nerd). It’s Walt calling about the job he might have for his uncle. There’s just one target. Jesse Pinkman.

Hank waits under a highway for Gomez. Jesse is in the car, and Hank wants Gomez to hear him out. “Well I know some evidence that greedy asshole would never destroy. His money.”

Back at Hank’s house, the plan starts to take shape. Hank tosses a pile of organs on the floor and drizzles them with blood. “You’re up,” he says to Jesse. Hank and Gomez go to the safe house where Huell is being held. Hank explains that they have a wire on Walt’s phone, intercepted a call between Walt and Saul, and learned that Huell is the next one on the hit list. He then shows Huell a photo of Jesse looking deadish next to the pile of organs, and that’s enough for Huell. Hank suggests it might be because Huell knows where the money is, and that’s when Huell starts singing. Renting the van from Larry, the seven barrels, Walt returning a dirty car with a shovel…Hank now has enough information to move on to the second phase of Jesse’s plan.

Walt meets with not-Matt Damon’s uncle, who vaguely resembles George Carlin. Walt insists on a quick and painless death and tries to negotiate a rate. But the guy doesn’t want his money—he wants Walt to cook for him. Just a couple of times, to teach his nephew how to get the purity up and a healthy blue hue. Walt agrees to one cook, after the job is done. It’s almost like he can’t resist an opportunity to teach a young man about chemistry. Now the only problem is finding Jesse. Luckily, Walt has a plan. He pays a visit to Andrea, Jesse’s ex-girlfriend. “I don’t want to alarm you, but I’ve been trying to reach him for days….” She hasn’t heard from Jesse in about two weeks, so she tries calling Jesse from her own phone since he may just be ducking Walt’s calls. She leaves Jesse a message that Walt stopped by and is looking for him, and with that, Walt’s work is done. Only not so much, because Hank intercepts the message on Jesse’s Hello Kitty phone.

Saul shows up to the car wash in a panic and sporting a bulletproof vest because Huell is gone. Just then, Walt receives a photo on his phone. It’s a barrel of cash and a phone call from Jesse. Got my photo, bitch? That barrel look familiar? Because I just found six more exactly like it. Walt runs out of the car wash while Jesse rambles on about how he pistol-whipped the information out of Huell, the van had GPS…and now he’s going to light the cash on fire. Ten grand for every minute until Walt gets there. This causes Walt to drive like Lindsay Lohan on a bender out into the desert to save his cash. It’s the only thing he cares about, plus maybe a little bit his family.

Jesse, Jesse I’m here, where are you?

It takes a few seconds, but Walt eventually realizes he’s been had. He runs around with the phone to one ear and a gun in his hand, climbs up on a rock to get a good shot at Jesse, and sees a car. Hiding behind a rock, he calls not-George Carlin to let him know that he has Jesse in his sights. Walt then gives him the coordinates of the money because it’s the only way that anyone can locate him in the desert. But Jesse’s not alone, so Walt calls off the hit.

Hank has Walt in his sights, and Walt drops his gun and puts his hands up. “Walk towards me, slowly….” Hank handcuffs Walt and Jesse is watching, eyes wide, salivating, like a man watching a brand new porno. Hank is fairly proud of himself and lets Walt know that the photo was a sham. “Walter White, you have the right to remain silent….” But Walt still has one word for Jesse: Coward. Jesse spits in Walt’s face, there’s a scuffle, and Hank puts Walt in his car while Gomez keeps the second prize, Jesse.

The first call Hank makes is to Marie. He got him. It’s going to be a little rough for the next couple of weeks, but it’ll get better. I would’ve called someone at the DEA, but hey. There’s plenty of time what with Walter White in handcuffs and all, right? Wrong! Despite having called off the hounds, not-George Carlin, not-Matt Damon, and about four other surly looking men arrive with really big guns to take down Jesse. “POLICE! DROP YOUR WEAPONS!” Because they don’t believe that Hank and Gomez are cops and it’s better for business to take out two extra people than to not get their cook back, the men unleash a torrent of gunfire on Hank, Gomez, and Jesse, with some bonus rounds headed in Walt’s direction.

Unfortunately we’ll have to wait a whole entire week to see who comes out of this alive, but I would bet a barrel full of bills that Hank and Gomez are dead. Walt and Jesse, however, must be alive because it’s a terrible business move to kill the only two people in the world who know how to produce your product.

Photos: amctv.com

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