Last week ended with Joe Gorga using his head as a battering ram into Joe Giudice’s voluminous gut because Joe Gorga called Teresa “scum.” This week isn’t much better. “Teresa, help your brother!” Teresa runs out of the room yelling, “Call the cops!” Someone says, “He’s biting my nuts,” elbows are being thrown, for some reason Melissa rushes over to put Joe Gorga’s hat back on his thick head. Then, the women start shrieking at each other while team builders Steve and Stephanie silently circle the room, waiting for an opportunity to introduce trust exercises.

Rich tries to calm Joe Gorga down, and Teresa takes Joe Guidice to his room. On his way out, Joe Gorga offers advice to the team builders: Hey guys, that’s how you deal with trash, you have to become trash. Stephanie, you might want to jot that one down. Melissa also has some deep insight: Saddam Hussein, that’s someone’s brother too, that doesn’t mean he’s a good person.  

According to Melissa, Joe Gorga has a heart of gold, and all he wants is his family. Oh I can totally see that, the man is an absolute teddy bear. Well, with everyone in their own rooms and the booze flowing, they decide to stay for the rest of the night. Then Rich goes to talk to Teresa. That doesn’t go so well and results in Rosie shouting, “We’re all family over here!”

Meanwhile, Melissa and Joe Gorga are crying in their bed like a coked up scene from Casino. For some reason, Rosie decides to bring Teresa over to Joe Gorga’s room so that the two of them can tawk. But Melissa won’t leave and Joe Gorga won’t look at Teresa, so Teresa goes squeaking back to Kathy’s room.

Aaaaand it’s Steve and Stephanie! “You guys have a tremendous amount of passion.” Oh hahaha, that’s cute. Steve recommends everyone “let it rest” and see how it goes tomorrow. He then bro hugs Joe Gorga, which was like watching a gazelle give a lion a belly rub.

Okay, mystery solved. After the fight, everyone had black gunk all over them, like shoe polish or very heavy mascara. Turns out it was from Joe Gorga’s hair—he sprays it with black hairspray, which is why Melissa was rushing to put his hat back on his head before FEMA showed up to clean the cast like oil-slicked pelicans.

While the rest of the family has dinner in the dining room, Joe Guidice and Teresa have “sexytime.” Or as Teresa calls it, “browchickabrowchow.” I never, ever wanted to see the two of these buffoons marinating in a bubble-free bubble bath, but there you have it. Ugh. Pass the brain bleach….

The next morning, the champagne is flowing and Rosie has hope that Doctor V. can succeed where Steve and Stephanie failed. Teresa calls Caroline to ask for help. Caroline knows it’s bad because Teresa never asks for help. “The last thing I wanted to do was go up to Lake George and get involved in the family drama. But….” Oh look! Her bag is already packed.

Doctor V. arrives disguised as a stripper and explains that she’s Italian where it matters, in her vagina. So she’s a classy kind of doctor.  Doctor V. surmises that everything Teresa says is “misinterpreted,” so at a certain point Teresa has to acknowledge her role. Melissa then goes down memory lane with Teresa calling her a stripper and cheating on her husband and the prior day’s fiasco….

In a one-on-one session with Doctor V., Joe Gorga says that he no longer wants to try to fix the situation. He then tells Teresa that he doesn’t want to fight anymore, and he needs more time away. Talking, talking, squeaking, crying, and Joe Gorga and Teresa hug it out.

Meanwhile, Caroline rolls in.  And apparently this was not the season finale, because they’re all still trapped in the “castle” for another week.

Photo: bravotv.com

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The show opens with Melissa teaching her three children how to dance like strippers as she and Joe Gorga pack for the big retreat. Joe Gorga only wants to go so that he can confront Teresa, which seems like a totally healthy way to approach family counseling. Kathy and Rich have no idea why they were even invited in the first place, so they pack extra booze. The only person who seems to really want to be there is Rosie, so good on her.

Everyone other than Teresa and Joe Guidice are getting to the retreat via party bus, complete with a stripper pole.  Well, everyone other than Caroline, who has decided that she doesn’t need to make amends with Teresa. And Jacqueline, who says she would rather get all of her lips waxed. So essentially it’s a monstrous bus for five people, because that’s not at all wasteful.

Teresa and Joe Guidice arrive first and are greeted by the Innkeeper who is clearly unfamiliar with the Real Housewives franchise because he is “very, very excited about having you guys here.” When the remainder of the guests arrive, Teresa shows everyone around the “castle,” as if it’s her own home. It’s a good sign that everyone immediately starts drinking, right?

Lunch is awkwardly quiet until Rosie explains the activities planned for the weekend. The first part of the counseling is lead by team builders who will coax everyone into getting along with each other. Then, Doctor V. will teach communication.

Team builders Steve and Stephanie arrive all hopeful and cheery, completely unaware of the level of insanity they are up against. Steve explains the process, causing everyone to zone out. Then he leads a strange version of musical chairs that involves a lot of groping. Melissa notes that Joe Guidice was really into the game because his brain could understand the concept of what they were doing.

Even though Jacqueline chose not to attend, Teresa finds a way to make it all about Jacqueline. Steve tries to switch the focus back to the people who are in attendance, and Stephanie goes to her happy place. There’s yelling and screeching from Teresa and Melissa, Rosie and Joe Guidice step out onto the balcony for a glass of brown liquid on the rocks, Steve has completely lost control of the group, and Stephanie is updating her resume.

Fighting, fighting, fighting, Joe Gorga calls Teresa scum, Teresa goes out to the balcony to tell Joe Guidice that Joe Gorga called her scum, Joe Gorga storms back into the “castle” and demands an apology from Joe Guidice, and Joe Guidice barrels into Joe Gorga like an angry bull. Punching, hitting, shrieking, and Stephanie files a hostile work environment claim.

Next week, even more fisticuffs!

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Reprinted with permission from www.moderndaymom.com

Caroline

Caroline’s daughter, Lauren, calls herself “a grown-ass woman,” but her father reminds her that she is a grown-ass woman mooching off of her parents.  Caroline’s sister, Fran, is also living in Caroline’s house and is considerate enough of a houseguest to take in a three-legged foster dog.  While sitting around the breakfast bar like a big, happy family, Caroline tells her husband that she’s asking Teresa to meet with her to talk about Teresa’s brother’s concerns. Caroline makes a half-hearted attempt at acting like she is not totally excited about getting into the middle of this, but even Fran’s three-legged dog isn’t buying it.

Teresa

Teresa is in the kitchen mushing gruel around in a pan  (with her cookbook prominently product placemented on the counter) while her kids yell at each other. She tells them to sit down, shut up, and make cards for either Nono, or Hobo. Whichever, I’m sure he’ll love the sentiment.

Caroline’s text arrives, and Teresa asks Kim for advice about meeting with Caroline (while wearing a bedazzled trucker hat that is probably meant to drown out the voices). When Teresa gets home, she tells her husband, Joe, that Caroline wants to meet with her to tawk about everything. Joe tells Teresa to demand an apology and leave if she doesn’t get one, so I’m guessing it is going to be a very short meeting.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline is doing a video blog for Parenting Magazine which, holy hell, really? She is offering parenting advice?  I mean good for her telling the story about how she realized her kid had autistm, but really, perhaps the family that has the cameras in their faces twenty-four-seven is not the family others’ should turn to for insight. But what do I know, I have a cat.

Meanwhile, Melissa’s husband is talking to Jacqueline’s husband about Viagra. Pass the brain bleach! He invites everybody over for dinner. When they arrive, the boys plus Rosie go off to play poker. The men have lots of questions for Rosie. Is she a boobs or ass girl? Boobs. Has she ever been with a man? No. Men. Always so flummoxed that a woman wouldn’t want to have anything to do with their manliness.

Aw, that’s sweet. Jacqueline’s husband taught her son to say, “I love you,” which gives Jacqueline hope that he is capable of so much more (the son, not the husband). And I’m not even going to get into how the parroted words were bribed with a lollipop, because it doesn’t even matter. It was sweet.

Kathy

Kathy and her husband, Rich, try to teach their idiot son, Joseph, how to drive. It’s scary. Real scary.  The kid is a moron and ought to come with a warning label not to operate heavy machinery. They then pick up their daughter, Victoria, from Caldwell College, a school for nuns, nunnery, and possibly nunsense.  Ooh. I actually know a professor at Caldwell College. Lucky for Victoria he is too ethical to dish the dirt.

Melissa

Melissa gets a visitor. It’s Jerry, a real estate agent who has been trying to unload their McMansion for the past six months, but nobody wants a house with a coating of gold paint and desperation. Why is Melissa selling this palace? Because she doesn’t want her kids going to school with Teresa’s kids. Yeah. Because but for Teresa’s kids, Melissa’s kids would be Nobel Peace Prize winners.

Jerry hosts an open house for potential buyers, and for some reason Melissa thinks it’s a good idea to have kids running around the house while the buyers are touring the property. Oh, ha! A sink handle in the master bathroom falls off in the buyer’s hands, and there’s a massive crack in the vanity that reveals it’s wood with a faux marble coating. Well what do you expect for $3.8 million? A real marble vanity? What do you think this is, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

The Big Showdown Between Teresa And Caroline

Teresa begins by telling Caroline how good she looks, and she does look good, for Caroline. Teresa doesn’t like Caroline getting in the middle, especially (or, rather, “expecially”) since Caroline has yet to mend fences with her own sister, Dina. She notes that “it’s like the Italians say, ‘when the third person comes in, it causes more problems.’” The Italians were probably talking about the bedroom, but whatever. Caroline then shoots back something about Kim D., and wants to know how Teresa can call her a friend. Then there’s tawk about Jacqueline being “a true and loyal friend,” and Teresa being a different person, and I’m lost. The purpose of this meeting is a little unclear. But wait! A breakthrough! If Melissa admits that she was “a f***ing bitch,” then Teresa will admit that she was “a f***ing bitch.” So…progress?

Next week, that moron of a kid takes his father’s (probably rented) Ferrari out for a spin, and Melissa and Teresa have a meeting of the minds, minus the minds.

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