There’s an awards show, a meeting with Speedo, and a hot dog naming at Pink’s on the agenda. But first, let’s listen to the pearls of wisdom that sprang forth from Ryan’s lips:

• Ryan Lochte’s getting a hot dog, jeah!
• Fashion has been my passion, pretty much my entire life.
• That meeting I had with Speedo was a confident meeting (erm, I think he meant a confidential meeting).
• I mean if you get a hot dog named after you, you’ve made it.
• If I could have a super power, I’d be, like, flying because I love traveling all over the world, and if I knew how to flew, I’d be there in a heartbeat.

Once in Los Angeles, Ryan wants to pitch ideas to Speedo. The team at Speedo, however, was under the impression that they were the ones coming up with the ideas. But, they decide to humor Ryan and kick the cameras out of the conference room so that the group can talk in private.

There are also a lot of photo shoots with swimming pools and tuxedos, and Ryan stripping down to his undies. Luckily Gene is there to tell him where to go and when to take his pants off. To celebrate the long day, Ryan takes Gene out for drinks. Gene is worried that Ryan will leave Gainesville, which will break up the Lochterage. But Ryan has plans to take the Lochterage to Los Angeles, where they will be eaten up and spit out within a week.

The duo next visit Pink’s to taste “your little hot dog,” the Lochtedog. The owners force Ryan to get behind the counter to make the Lochtedog. His first challenge is opening the bun. Then, he loads up two hot dogs, mustard, and French fries. Naturally, there are plenty of penis jokes to go around.

Ryan and Gene go to the Hall Of Game Awards, which nobody has ever heard of except for Ryan Lochte’s publicist. Smile, smile, smile, interview, interview, interview. Ryan Lochte wins an award for…something. Ryan makes Gene promise that he’ll move out to Los Angeles with him, but Gene is unconvinced. Then, Carmen Electra introduces herself to Ryan. She makes a half-hearted effort to engage Ryan in conversation, but he just stares mindlessly in her general direction. He eventually gets her number, but only six of them. Numbers are hard when you’re Ryan Lochte.

Next week, paintball and Jaime.

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Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

Ryan Lochte has a dream. World peace. Ha, no. Ryan’s dream is to have his own apparel and accessory line. To get himself started, Ryan created sparkly green sneakers with his name on the bottom so that if he ever forgets, he can always check his soles. Ryan wants that little Lochte edge, but has no idea what it is beyond a facial gesture involving the stretching out of his bottom lip in a downward direction and a generally vacant stare.

We learn that Ryan Lochte always pees in the pool and double always says “Jeah.” He trains in Gainsville, Florida, where he is surrounded by his Lochterage. A Lochterage is like an entourage, only the sycophants swirl around Ryan Lochte instead of a real star. The head of the Lochterage is Ryan’s brother, Devon. He is the brains of the operation, which is not saying much of anything.

Ryan Lochte appears to have two catch phrases. The first is “Jeah,” which means nothing and everything, all at once. The other is “Turn it up,” which entails eating, sleeping, swimming, and playing flip cup. It is essential that the Lochterage repeat both of these catch phrases as often as possible so that people know who Ryan Lochte is outside of the swimming pool.

Things that fell out of Ryan Lochte’s mouth before he remembered to close it:

• I don’t even remember what I got at the Olympics.
• You know my philosophy, you gotta be a man at night and you gotta be a man in the morning.
• Who cares if you’re in pain? No one else does.
• Being with Jaime is the longest roller coaster I’ve ever been on.
• I didn’t burn no popcorn.

What does a date with Ryan Lochte look like? Poor Megan is about to find out. It involves sushi, which according to Ryan Lochte are wontons and edamame. He explains to Poor Megan that he wants someone to share his heart with, which is a strange thing to say on a first date. Although Poor Megan made him laugh more than once, she is not the one because she’s moving to Los Angeles. But don’t worry, there will be another girl and another sushi roll soon enough. No, really, there will be. Because Ryan Lochte brings all of his dates to the same restaurant.

Ryan Lochte also went bowling with his very tolerant family, and watched movies with his two sisters. So that was nice to see. But the bulk of Ryan Lochte’s activities seemed to be focused on dating college girls and recruiting more people into his Lochterage. Oh, and there was some swimming.

The rest of the season promises to be more of Ryan Lochte doing more things, and saying more semi-words. And ooh! More sneakers!

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