Where did Carol get her extensive collection of sensible ladies’ wear? And how are her collars so neatly pressed in the zombie apocalypse? It’s all just so contrary to everything I know about the end of civilization. Maggie, too. She’s sporting a pressed button-down that is less wrinkled than I’ve been on any job interview. Ugh, even Li’l Asskicker has a North West-level wardrobe.

And trading recipes on the porch? Please. There’s no way that this town survived on its wits. “You can tell the difference between walkers and humans just by sound?” Um, what? You can’t? How are you still alive?

The highlight of the episode? Daryl eatin’ spaghetti. Oh, Daryl. Stay gold, Ponyboy.  And it’s heavy-handed metaphor time, with Michonne hanging her sword on the wall like she just purchased it off of QVC and Rick getting his hand stamped One of us! One of us! One of us! 

How many more episodes until things go really bad in Mayberry? I’m guessing one. Maybe two. But no more than three or this’ll turn into just another season on the farm. Also, there are only three episodes left, so…flaming zombies, or something.

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As if this season of The Walking Dead wasn’t boring enough, tonight’s episode was all about heart-to-hearts. Talking. Just two people, talking. There was Merle and Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis, Daryl (who has sort of a weird boy-band-meets-Bowie haircut happening all of a sudden) and Glenn, then Merle and Daryl with a sappy “I just want my brother back,” and a prayer session between Hershel, his daughters, and the same God who created zombies. We also get a mercifully short talk between Rick and Lori, and oh! Glenn has a talk with Hershel where he asks for Maggie’s hand in marriage.

Speaking of things that are stupid, Michonne falls for the old “we have to secure the borders” trick and wanders around the prison alone with Merle. He easily takes her down (along with a half dozen walkers) even though Michonne would never, ever make such a rookie mistake.

To make it even more ridiculous, Merle somehow drags an unconscious Michonne out of the prison without anyone noticing. Once she wakes up, they’re on the road to Woodbury so that he can turn her over to The Governor.

They arrive at a motel where Merle breaks into a car to hot wire it for the rest of the trip. Unfortunately, he sets off a car alarm or, as they are known in the zombie apocalypse, the dinner bell. Merle suddenly becomes the most careless human on the planet and doesn’t realize his mistake until he is neck deep in zombies. Miraculously, he gets the car moving and the unlikely pair head off to Woodbury.

The most unintentionally funny part of the show is Glenn shopping for a wedding ring, which involves scouring the prison yard for zombie fingers. A diamond is forever!

After more talking than we’ve gotten out of Michonne this whole season, Merle gives Michonne her sword back and lets her out on the side of the road. She runs into Daryl because hey, it’s a small world, and explains that Merle let her go. He then runs off after his brother.

Merle is drinking the world’s last bottle of brown liquor in his newly acquired car with the music blasting, presumably to attract zombies but maybe because he just really likes that song. He leads the zombies to Woodbury, Pied Piper-style. Merle does a barrel roll out of the car right in front of the gate and heads into one of Woodbury’s conveniently spooky barns. The guards hear the ruckus and go on a zombie shooting spree while Merle picks them off one by one (with a little help from the zombies). I find it so interesting that all of the zombies are dressed in somber greens and grays, as if nobody ever died in a fuchsia ball gown.

The Governor finds Merle in the spooky barn and kicks the crap out of him…and did he just bite off Merle’s fingers? Merle gets in a few good jabs and stabs in before The Governor shoots him in the chest. Goodbye, Merle.

Family meeting at the prison! Rick explains how The Governor offered to leave them alone in exchange for Michonne, and how he was going to do that to keep them safe. But, he conveniently changed his mind after he sent Michonne off with Merle so it’s probably too late but it’s not Rick’s fault because he’s sorry so don’t blame him, okay? Rick steps down as leader while he’s making a speech to the group, so take it with a grain of salt. Oh hey! Here’s Michonne! What great timing.

Over in Crazytown, Daryl finds a blood and guts buffet, including his zombie brother chomping on a carcass. Zombie Merle ambles towards his crying brother and receives a boatload of pent up anger in the form of stab wounds to the face. Goodbye, zombie Merle.

So, maybe next week we’ll get this whole war thing we’ve been hearing so much about? Sort of like last season when we were waiting for everyone to leave the farm for, like, seven episodes.

Image courtesy of amctv.com

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I have a few problems with this last episode of The Walking Dead. Like, how on earth are Rick and Carl back in their hometown?  They’ve been on the road for a year and, what? They just circled back? And they’re talking about Woodbury like it’s a foreign, unknown place when really it’s just four towns over. The prison must be in their backyard, too. Or did they take a majorly long road trip, leaving the rest of the crew (including Rick’s baby) back at a prison that is about to be invaded by a lunatic Governor?

And why was Carl just casually leaning against the window pane of the cafe with a few dozen hungry, chompy zombies dying (heh, dying) to get out? Those windows must be made of magic glass because not a single zombie smashed its hand through.

So, Morgan. He looked pretty neat and tidy for a crazy person holed up in an apartment with no running water or electricity. At what point during the zombie apocalypses do you stop ironing your button-down shirts and switch to something a bit more casual? Because for me, that happens at way less than the one-year mark.

Other than that, I thought it was a fine episode.

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We pick up right where we left off last seasonish (technically this is the second half of Season 3, but I’m not buying it), with Merle ready to battle his brother Daryl. Blondie tries to save Daryl, but there’s no saving anyone from the Governor’s psychotic wrath. It’s going to be “Brother against brother, winner goes free. Fight, to the death.” Merle gets in an early sucker punch, and in come the walkers-on-sticks. But blood is thicker than…whatever it is running through zombie veins. Silly Putty? And the brothers team up to get the heck out of dodge, assisted by our old friends from the prison yard. It’s all a little clean, and a little neat, and a little too easy with the smoke screen and the pew pew pew guns. Blondie is conflicted—should I stay or should I go? If I go there will be trouble, but if I stay it will be double.

Rick has misgivings about taking Merle along, but for the moment they could use his help with the walkers so practicality wins the day. Best part is, they left a hole in the front gate of Paradise, so that town should be overrun with walkers any minute now.

The new people at the prison, remember them? They’re getting up to speed on the loss of Hershel’s leg and Li’l Asskicker. They claim to have been teamed up with a bunch of survivalists and stayed in a bunker until supplies ran out. Then, they went on the move, starting out with twenty-five and dwindling down to the four at the prison.

Rick, Glenn, Maggie, and Daryl are trying to sort out what to do with Merle and Michonne. Daryl lays down the law—no him, no me. The group has some major trust issues and nobody wants Merle or Michonne, so Daryl makes his choice. He walks away, unable to trade his brother for his new family. Rick breaks the news to Michonne that she’s only staying for as long as it takes to patch her up and send her packing.

The new prison people are out burying one of their own and spot Carl and Poor Man’s Jamie Lee Curtis on lookout. One of them considers taking out Carl and PMJLC and stealing their weapons, but Tyrese and Sasha get in the way. They want to be a part of the prison crew, and killing Carl and PMJLC is probably not the best way to win their trust.

On their way back to the prison, Glenn takes out a walker in a pickup truck with a gruesome foot-to-the-skull, rinse, repeat. He’s taking out his aggression on a walker because he’s pissed that they all went back to take out the Governor and get Daryl, and now Daryl’s gone and the Governor is still alive and, basically, everyone risked their lives for nothing. Rick reminds him that this is the hand they’ve been dealt, and Glenn says he’s done. That sounded a lot like a Ronnie and Sammi “I’m done,” so I think Glenn is going to stick around for at least one more season.

When they finally arrive at the prison, PMJLC realizes that Daryl is not with them. Rick explains that Daryl left with Merle, and this is the first time we’ve seen someone get dumped during the zombie apocalypse. While Rick was gone, Blondie Jr. was taking care of Li’l Asskicker. She seems to be vying for the role of the second Mrs. Grimes.

Back at Paradise, people are clamoring to get out. Blondie’s trying to convince them to stay because she knows how bad it is out there. Aaaand wakers inside of the gates. Blondie shoots ‘em dead. One of their own has been bitten, and the Governor just coldly walks up and shoots him in the head in front of the entire town.

Hershel diagnoses Michonne as having a concussion and needing sleep which conveniently buys her a few days and totally blows the “never sleep with a concussion” myth out of the water. Then the group decides to let the new people stay as reinforcements.

Wait, what? Rick says no. The group says yes, but Rick says no. This is like when CNN called Florida for Gore. Rick’s logic is that reinforcements haven’t worked out so well for them in the past, so no. Hershel takes Rick aside and tries to talk some sense into Rick, and it seems to be working until…is that Lori in a white dress? No! We’re done with her! No more Lori, I won’t have it. NOBODY WANTS YOU HERE, SO JUST GET OUT! Which is sort of what Rick yells at her, only he pulls out a gun and looks super crazy. Everyone is under the mistaken impression that Rick is telling the new people to leave, so Glenn shuffles them away from Rick and we see Glenn put his hand on his gun….and show’s over.

Tune in next week for more of the same, only with extra Merle.

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