The three secret ingredients are:

Romanesco Cauliflower: Nature’s monochromatic kaleidoscope.

Beef Cheeks: I prefer to call them “sweet cheeks”.

Crickets: Put them on a plate and suddenly they’re food.

Because these are two truly fine chefs, they have to cook three dishes in one hour instead of a measly two, and the loser’s lustrous locks will be shaved bald.

There’s braising and juniper berries and pressure cooker for cubed meat and liquids. Oh disgusting—Edi tosses crickets and bread in a blender and then fries the nasty beige batter. But honestly, it’s fried. So unless you told me that there were crickets in there and I saw their beady little eyes, I’d eat that right up.

Wolfgang is cooking egg yolks in a water bath before adding raw beef cheek to the yolks for a mushy mess. He also goes the fried route his crickets because safe is the best bet when you’re dealing with bugs.

Edi’s first dish is cricket croutons and burrata and herb soup. The judges are happy that the crickets were “masked.” Wolfgang, on the other hand, delivers beef tartare and fried crickets. Those bugs are just sitting there on the top of a pile of raw meat, like an infestation of leggy maggots. One of the judges is similarly displeased.

Wolfgang prepares a pickling liquid and Eli steals a batch because that’s what good business partners do, they steal from each other. Then, Wolfgang prepares a chicken shnitzel. Now, I have to discuss schnitzel for a second. I am physically incapable of speaking the word without giggling, but it appears that I can type it with a straight face. So that’s progress. Some of the judges find Wolfgang’s pickled schnitzel with tomato and romanesco to be a little dry.

Eli presents the judges with carpaccio and pickled romanesco with fried Brussels sprouts. The judges fight over the plate. His last dish is a beautiful braised beef cheeks with whipped romanesco cauliflower. “The beef was like butter, unbelievable.” I’m guessing this is the best dish of the night.

Wolfgang’s final dish is beef cheek goulash with spatzle. This does not look attractive but must taste delicious since the judges are oohing and ahhing over the spatzle.

So who wins and who gets shaved? The winner is Wolfgang Ban, which means Eli Frauneder loses an impressive head of hair. Right there in the kitchen. Which has got to be at least half a dozen health code violation.

Reprinted from TravelFreak.com

Photo: tv.esquire.com

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Another night, another couple of chefs cooking for the camera in Ilan Hall’s after hours kitchen thunderdome. This time it’s Justin Devillier, a Top Chef alum and owner of La Petite Grocery in New Orleans, competing against Michael Bryant, a chef who entered the Knife Fight Arena with shouts of, “El ayyy, baybee, el ayyy!” Naturally, I am rooting for Justin.

The three secret ingredients that must be incorporated into at least two dishes in under one hour are:

Caviar: Fish eggs, fish eggs, rolly polly fish eggs

1,000-Year-Old-Eggs: No, they’re not really that old, but does it matter how old a rotten egg is once you know that it’s rotten?

Emu Eggs: Like a chicken egg only massive and black.

Justin tries to balance out the rotten egg funk with some fish sauce, but that is going to have to be some magical fish sauce. He is also starting to prep some sort of bacon and egg risotto which is hitting all of the happy parts of my taste buds.

Justin destroyed his emu egg. Rather than separating it, he pretty much scrambled it in the shell. His second attempt was better, but not perfect. I’m thinking a switcheroo to a nice omelet might be a good idea. I mean, who doesn’t love an emu omelet for dinner?

The next plate out is from Justin and it’s a 1,000-year-old egg with a salad and the judges call it fresh which is probably the nicest thing you can say about a dish containing rotten eggs. Michael presents fig panna cotta with caviar and curried croutons. I did not know that curried croutons were a thing I wanted until now. It has a contrast of fishy and sweet. Thanks for that, judges. I would’ve never thought to call caviar “fishy” and panna cotta “sweet.”

Justin’s second dish is steak Romanov with caviar. It looks like a pile of raw meat. The judges deem it blah.

Okay, finally. Emu bacon and eggs. Thank you, Michael. He’s scrambling the eggs over a double boiler for a soft scramble that’s much softer than any scramble I’ve ever seen. I kind of don’t want to eat that mushy pile of salmonella. The judges love it so clearly I don’t know what I’m talking about here. He also makes a sabayon with raspberries as a last little dessert. It is “sexy” and “light.”

Then in walks Justin’s final dish, which is neither sexy nor light but is instead a risotto with bacon and mystery cheese. It’s missing pepper or yolk or something eggy and is deemed “not a proper risotto.”

Welp. I don’t see how Justin can possibly win this thing. Oh but wait! Michael’s final dish used a chicken egg instead of an emu egg! Because it didn’t contain any of the three secret ingredients, it cannot be judged. If you ask me he should be eliminated on the spot, but whatever.

And the winner is Michael. He let’s out a WHADDUP ELLAYY! and high-fives the crowd like a frat boy at a lacrosse game. Sigh.

Reprinted from TravelFreak.com

Photo: tv.esquire.com

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On our left we have Steve Redzikowski from Boulder, Colorado by way of Long Island. On our other left is Kelly Liken of Vail, Colorado by way of Top Chef. Aww, isn’t that cute? Ilan let another girl into the kitchen, even after the last two spent the entire hour braiding each others’ hair and talking about which boys they like-liked.

The super special secret ingredients are:

Beef heart: I’m already queasy

Dandelion greens: Great in small doses, much less great in massive mouthfuls

Spot prawns: These shrimpy shrimps still have some kick left in ’em!

The chefs are both planning three dishes in one hour using all of the ingredients. Kelly’s first dish is beef heart tartare, and Steve’s first dish is beef heart carpaccio. So…they’re both serving raw beef heart. My gag reflex is twitching.

Kelly’s second dish requires a bit of beef heart pressure cooking. Onions, garlic, what could possibly go wrong? Oh, just everything, and you’ll never know until it’s time to plate the dish.

The first plate is out and it’s Steve’s beef heart carpaccio. No one threw up, so that’s good. It’s possibly over-garnished. Kelly, on the other hand, is planning on putting out all three dishes at once. It’s almost like she’s never seen the show before.

Shrimp curry? Yes, please! Steve brought his own shrimp paste because who doesn’t carry around a packet or two of shrimp paste? Kelly is also making a broth, but it’s a soup instead of a curry so I automatically like it a lot less. And off with their little prawn heads! That’s brutal, lady! Steve uses the equally brutal knife-to-the-head technique, but my goodness these prawns are feisty. They’re still moving on the plate despite being split in two. He serves raw spot prawns with coconut curry sauce. “I’d love to have a bowl of these…except for the dandelion.” So a mixed review.

Kelly is finally plating her first dish when she slices her thumb in a total rookie move. Medic! Meeeeedddddic!!! A Band-Aid and a glove and we’ve got beef heart tartare with dandelion greens. The judges seem pleased and ask for seconds. Her second dish is shrimp broth with beef heart and dandelion greens. She pretty much won the competition already, but let’s play this thing out to its end.

In a desperate attempt to save face, Steve is searing some beef heart which he then drizzles with miso sauce for a third dish of seared beef heart over parmesan polenta. One judge thinks it has “mad flavor” and another calls it “bland.”

Uh oh. The Fry-O-Matic is dead, along with Kelly’s entire third dish. So much for that pressure cooker.

There’s only one winner, and it’s Kelly Liken. Good for her and her new chopping thing.

Reprinted from TravelFreak.com

Photo: tv.esquire.com

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Stop braiding your hair and painting your nails because it’s back to boys in the kitchen on Knife Fight. This week, Jason Paluska, a farm-to-table-type chef, will compete against Kyle Itani and his Japanese cuisine

The chef must use all of the following three secret ingredients in at least two dishes:

Cilantro: Ugh. I’m one of those people who thinks cilantro tastes like sweaty socks mixed with despair.

Collard greens: The veiniest of greens, this leaf takes a long time to cook.

Live halibut: Smash it! Crush it! Bust its kneecaps! Kill it!

Ah ha ha, there’s no oil in the fryers so take that out of your bag of tricks, boys. The first halibut meets its end at the hands of Jason with a slice to the neck. Kyle starts a dashi broth and he’s also preparing a sofrito, but with miso. Hmm.

Jason is making ceviche from the halibut, which is basically telling the fish to wander on over to the judges and dive right into their mouths. Is that a mallet to a flopping fish? Yeah. That was Kyle. Charming. He filets the brutalized halibut and slices out the engawa meat.

Kyle brought his own soy sauce and sake, and I’m wondering what kitchen wouldn’t already have a decent soy sauce in the pantry? He delivers his first plate, which is halibut engawa sashimi with flowering cilantro. The judges seem pleased even though the cilantro totally ruins the dish.

Jason comes out carrying a plate of halibut belly ceviche with flowering cilantro slaw. Again, low-key praise, probably due to the presence of cilantro.

Oh good, fryer oil arrives. We’re saved! Kyle tries out the fryer first with some fritters while Jason simmers his greens in beer. Kyle adds tomato powder to his crispy fritters and it may be just what the fried food needs. The halibut fritters with sofrito braised collard greens are presented to the judges and boy do they look happy. “The miso is like totally awesome in that…the collard greens makes it sick!” Such professionals, they should all write books.

Kyle goes for the blender with an herb mix to create a cilantro paste. The only thing more disgusting sounding than “cilantro” is “cilantro paste.”

Jason’s last dish is served, and it’s pan seared halibut with barley and collard greens. The judges are not fans. It’s “confusing.” Meanwhile, Kyle’s roasted halibut is overcooked so…whoops? He covers up the mistake with some sauce left over from the first dish and presents roasted halibut with disgusting flowering cilantro paste. “A bit overcooked…I’m a little bummed out.”

So who wins the battle? It can’t possibly be the overcooked halibut, so my money’s on Jason. But I don’t get a say, or a taste. If I did, the secret ingredients would be lamb, marshmallow peeps and foie gras. And the winner is…Kyle? Huh.

I guess Jason’s food was somewhere between subpar and mediocre.

Reprinted from TravelFreak.com

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They have one hour to prepare at least two dishes and must use all of the three secret ingredients:

Yuca: Just turn it into crispy fried chips already, it’s what everyone wants anyhow.

Skate wing: Also known as, “Eew! Fish fin!”

Pheasant: They’re like little gamey chickens.

Mary Sue begins by putting a good sear on the pheasant before grabbing a handful of gizzards. Tracy is befuddled by the yuca so she moves onto the skate wing, but needs a judge’s help fileting the fish because ladies, amirite? Tracy is using the bones in a sauce that sounds like a better plan than asking anyone to eat an actual skate wing.

Mary Sue’s sous chef is in the audience so she puts him to work forming meatballs. Oh ha, the yuca is not so fresh. Nice, Ilan. You gave the women rotten ingredients. Oh good, Mary Sue is frying up those chips I was talking about, and now I really want some chips and salsa.

The first dish is coming out, and it’s Tracy’s sauteéd skate wing. There’s a debate over its level of deliciousness, and something about acid because cooking show judges always talk about the acid. Then, Tracy hacks up a pheasant like it wronged her very, very badly.

Mary Sue tosses pheasant meatballs into a soup and serves it to the judges with yuca chips. So…she pretty much covered all bases in one dish. For her next trick, she prepares a fresh salsa to brighten up something burning on the stove.

Tracy tries to mill some potatoes, but the food mill breaks mid-turn. What kind of two-bit operation is Ilan running? Then, she busts out her own very special ingredient—black truffle. For her pureed potatoes. That’s, like, cheating.

The final two dishes are served. First is Tracy’s poached pheasant breast with potato puree and crispy yucca. Next is Mary Sue’s sautéed skate wing over celery root puree. The black truffles are a hit because, come on, who doesn’t like pureed potatoes with black truffle? There’s no celery puree in the world that can compare.

And the winner is…Tracy Des Jardin because you cannot outdo black truffle potatoes.

Reprinted from TravelFreak.com

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The three super duper secret ingredients are:

• Juniper. Hmm.
• Chicken gizzards. Yum, but I don’t want to see them raw.
• Conger eel. Squishy!

The chefs must use all of the ingredients and anything in Ilan’s pantry to make at least two dishes in one hour. Ready…fight!

Eel, eel, bo-beel, banana-fanna fo-feel, fee-fi-mo-meel, eeeeeel. Oh, sorry. Had to get that out of my system. The first dish for both chefs is the gizzards. Ooh! Watermelon radish! Those are pretty. Jason Wilson has the first dish out. It’s juniper and rice crusted chicken gizzards with a radish salad. “Flava bomb, flava bomb, boom.” Yeah. This show gets like that sometimes.

Greg decides that gizzards are best cooked raw. With thirty minutes remaining, Jason smokes some juniper and breaks down his eel while Greg serves his gizzard tataki. In case the meat wasn’t slimy enough, he added sea beans. I don’t know why the judges like it, but whatever.

To one-up his own raw chicken gizzards, Greg prepares an eel chowder. Jason, however, decides to prepare delicious foods. He serves the judges juniper smoked eel with a pea stew and pistachio. It’s a hit. And then, eel liver. Don’t do it, Greg. Please, just no. I may vomit. His eel chowder looks like a pile of beige, but the judges love it nonetheless.

To make up for his disgusting menu, Greg prepares a juniper hot chocolate and resists the urge to add chicken liver or eel. With one minute left, Jason smashes pistachios with a pan to try to give his gross pile of raw chicken gizzard a texture other than salmonella. Seriously, yes, both chefs prepared raw chicken gizzard. The judges just finished a deliciously spiced hot chocolate, and then the last flavor they’re left with is a trip to the emergency room.

And the winner by a long-lost hair is…Greg Denton.

For the next battle, it’s Memphis-based Kelly English against his buddy Tandy Wilson from Nashville in Ilan Hall’s Los Angeles kitchen to see which one of them has to shave off his beard.

The three secret ingredients are:

• Heirloom carrots. They look…stubby.
• Goose! Talk to me, Goose.
• Beef tendon. Uh, is this supposed to be delicious? Because it sounds disgusting.

One hour, at least two dishes, and good luck with those beef tendons, boys. Did you notice that it’s always boys in the kitchen? Perhaps they’ll wheel out the Easy-Bake Oven for one of these challenges and we’ll get to see some ladies in action.

We’ve got cracklin’ happening on Tandy’s side of the kitchen but, like every chef before him, he is befuddled by the pressure cooker. How does a chef not understand how a pressure cooker works? Yeesh. Kelly is preparing “good grits.” A complete tool starts in with his worst My Cousin Vinny impression.

Oh noooo! Kelly’s goose lands breast-down on the grubby, gross kitchen floor. He rinses it off and pretends like that’s okay. Is that a salad? Kelly puts his dusty goose aside and prepares a pan roasted carrots with turnips and an amandine sauce.

The first plate is from Tandy, and it’s pan-roasted goose breast with carrot salad. “I love the salad, I like the goose.” Let’s see if Kelly can do better. His roasted carrots and turnips are a huge hit. Point, Kelly.

Next, tendon chips from Tandy. It is “not functioning properly,” probably because it’s “no longer attached to a living animal.” When in doubt, toss it in the deep fryer and toss them over a celery salad. The judges look like they’re fishing for something good to say. “Crunchy. Food. Words.”

Kelly’s strategy is to figure out the pressure cooker and make a beef tendon gumbo. Basically, nobody wants to eat tendon. Stop trying to make tendon happen. Then, he cooks something delightful. It’s a pan roasted goose breast with grits. Yum. Tandy’s final offering is a goose skin BLT. Hmm. I could gnaw on that sandwich right now.

There can only be one winner, and the loser shaves his hipster facial hair. And the winner is Kelly English. Because shaving is a totally reasonable and sanitary thing to do in a restaurant, Tandy’s beard is removed on the spot.

Reprinted from TravelFreak.ocm

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“I’m chef Ilan Hall, and The Gorbals is my restaurant.” After the doors close, Ilan forces chefs to battle it out for nothing but bragging rights, Mad Max-style. I suppose everybody has to do something after winning Top Chef.

Our first two contestants couldn’t be more different. There’s Adam Sappington from The Country Cat in Portland, Oregon. He works with “whole animals,” so…yum? Adam will go up against Michael Smith from Kansas City who has been known to paint with ingredients. Cooking is his sport because he sucks at actual sports.

The chefs have one hour to complete at least two dishes using three secret ingredients. The ingredients are:

• Semolina flour. Boring.
• A saw. That’s not actually an ingredient.
• A beef forequarter. That’s most of a cow, if a cow were half the size.

The judges begin by poking around in the cow’s innards, judging their fat like a supermodel on a go-see. For some reason, the chefs are working together rather than competing to the death. While Adam breaks down the beef, Michael prepares the pasta. I guess that makes sense, the Midwestern Kansas man knows nothing about butchering beef while the hippie dippie Portlander is carving up a cow.

Michael bails on the pasta because he has zero patience left after basking elbow-deep in beef thighs. So he’s making skate wing, which…what? I don’t even know what that means. Adam is busy making a carpaccio salad with juniper and black pepper salted beef carpaccio with a citrus and vegetable salad. The judges pretty much hate it, which is funny because carpaccio on a cooking show is a cop out. Might as well call it cop-out-io. Yeah, I said it.

Fritters! Michael’s making them…with his hands? Isn’t that, like, boiling oil? I guess they grow ‘em tough in Kansas. He hates his own fritters which is a special kind of self-loathing. He goes all sorts of Mediterranean with a spiced fish fritter. Meanwhile, Adam is making semolina cakes. Snore!

Michael presents his semolina fritters with an arugula salad, because we would expect nothing less from Kansas City than an arugula salad. The judges are confused, but hungry. Adam plates his semolina cakes that he stewed with tomatoes and olives. Ooh! An olive pit, and it cut the inside of a judge’s mouth. Not good. Can I just tell you how good those tomahawk steaks look? Until Adam does the unfathomable—he debones the steak. Why? Why would you do that? Let the judges eat it Flintstone’s style. Michael’s rib eye and skirt steak is served with a carrot puree as a hat tip to the elderly. The judges are not feeling the flavors.

The winner of the knife fight is Portland’s Adam Sappington because meat wins every time.

Reprinted from TravelFreak.com

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