This week begins with a visit to Marissa’s moderate home so that she and Caroline can drone on and on about Thanksgiving. The ladies flop down in bed, perform the ritualistic Removal Of The Boots, and reminisce about a Thanksgiving dinner that, thankfully, landed on the cutting room floor.

Meanwhile, Annabelle, Marissa, and Julie navigate a gallery opening littered with bear traps. Julie is thrilled that anyone wants to take her photo, oblivious that the photographers are only snapping her shot in the hopes that Annabelle will wander into the frame. I guess cast-off attention is better than no attention in the reality television world….

Oh jeez, it’s Caroline and Caroline. How am I supposed to recap this crap? Buttery Blonde Caroline and Slightly Brassier Caroline? Oh wait—the newer Caroline is a Baroness! So it’s Caroline and Baroness Von Caroline of the Haughty Taughty Carolines. “I come from a really important, old, aristocratic Danish family.” Well, at least she’s modest.

Baroness Caroline is having a fahncy pahtay and Julie wrangles herself an invitation, plus one. She’s bringing Juliet as her date, and OMG! What to wear? WHAT TO WEAR?! They borrow two of Annabelle’s red McQueen dresses because who doesn’t have spare red couture lying around the house? The party is done to the nines and, I have to say, Baroness Caroline’s dress is stunning. She manages to pull off effortless elegance, barefoot because why not, and is quickly turning into my favorite Lady. Until she speaks. “My parents, my grandparents, my great parents, have been renowned for throwing the most incredible dinner pahtays.” Just, ugh.

Hahaha, Baroness Caroline serves Cheetos to the ‘muricans. Okay, she’s my favorite again.

It’s goose for dinner, but Juliet doesn’t eat goose. It’s like Fopperton Estates all over again with this one. Baroness Caroline dives right in and gnaws on a goose wing with her bare, ladylike hands, hawking up what is either a chortle or a hairball for good measure. And for dessert, fruit. But much like Juliet and the Goose (not a bad name for a children’s book), Caroline doesn’t eat fruit. It’s all due to a terrible boarding school incident that was traumatic enough to remove an entire food group from Caroline’s pyramid. But Baroness Caroline is having none of it and force feeds Caroline an orange glob because that’s what friends do, right? Then, before the last citrus has been swallowed, Baroness Caroline kicks everyone out of her home. Did I mention that I really, really like this Lady?

The next drama surrounds a holiday party at Royal Albert Hall. Marissa doesn’t invite Juliet to the Christmas Carol Sing-Along which I thought was something that didn’t require an invitation from Marissa so much as a donation to the appropriate charity, but what do I know, I still eat my goose with a knife and fork. Ooh, Annabelle calls Marissa “upper aspirational middle class” for hosting the party. Zing!

So what does Juliet do while everyone of any import is at Royal Albert Hall? She meets her husband for a drink outside, in the winter. It’s as sad as it sounds, and later that evening or week or month, Juliet has a drink with Marissa which is even sadder. Juliet, honey. Just stop trying so hard. You do you, but quietly in the corner.

Next week, “Did you just straddle my husband?” “We both did, dahling.”

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Our Ladies Of London are back, and have there always been two Carolines? Plus there’s a Juliet and a Julie?! One of the “blondes” needs to change her hairstyle because I cannot tell these ladies apart. Sigh. Stiff upper lip etc.  

We’re off to a great start as Caroline barks orders at her many employees, completely disobeying the blinking pink neon sign above her desk imploring her to “Be Nice!!” After instilling fear in everyone who relies on her for a paycheck, Caroline is driven to Juliet’s house, and possibly to drink. The trip is exhausting, and she cannot believe she has to go “south of the river.” I guess it’s like having to visit someone in New Jersey which I might totally understand except she has a chauffeur so OMG shut up!

Juliet’s house in Clapham is pretty lousy looking. Her life doesn’t sound much better. Her husband had to move anywhere other than near Juliet five days per week because, seriously, who could put up with Juliet on the regular? But, there’s a bright side. Juliet tells us that it’s a five million dollar house even though it looks like a hole-in-the-wall. No, really. There’s a hole in the wall.

But that was just the first of too many road trips this season. Over in a totally other car, Julie and Annabelle are on their way to Fopperton Estates. Julie explains that in England, estates go to the first-born son, which is her husband, Luke. And that’s a really, really big responsibility. Like it or not (and I think he likes it a lot), Luke must live on Fopperton Estates many days a week. Are you sensing a theme here? Yeah. Nobody wants to be around these ladies.

Flash forward to a totally other day and Marissa is explaining Thanksgiving to Annabelle on a street corner like a commoner. Then, Julie rolls up on a bicycle, completely astounding Marissa and Annabelle who have never seen a countess in sweaty spandex before….I guess they don’t watch the Real Housewives of New York? It’s off to shop for Thanksgiving food in the canned goods aisle just as Caroline and Juliet arrive because it takes five ladies to buy one turkey. Marissa offers up her restaurant for the meal, but Juliet doesn’t want to have Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant. Meanwhile, Caroline thinks this whole thing reeks of social climbing desperation which is lulz because Annabelle is leaning against a shelf of Pepperidge Farm^® Goldfish^®.

Back at home, Caroline manages her personal assistant and the other non-personal assistant and the backup assistant and the nanny and the housekeepers. Whew! I’m exhausted just thinking about having to manage so many people. And all at once, too! Juliet arrives to rehash The War On Thanksgiving. To shut her up, Caroline volunteers her own home for the stupid Thanksgiving dinner. But wait! Caroline has a cocktail party the night before! But it doesn’t matter because Caroline’s staff can just work harder.

But who’s going to break the news to Marissa? Oh right, Juliet. Tradition, words, home, tradition, love, more words, in a home, rush to leave, unbuckling the top button, blah blah blah it’s also Juliet’s birthday….and so Juliet is having Thanksgiving dinner at Caroline’s house. Marissa rants about a turkey birthday cake which sounds disgusting and I’m waiting for one of them to shout, “Hold my earrings!” But no, it’s more passive-aggressive than aggressive-aggressive.

That is, until Caroline’s cocktail party. Marissa arrives with turkey hats for everyone, which nobody wants ever. Go give your tacky turkey hats to someone who cares, Marissa. Like Martha Stewart. Juliet rolls in a bit more than fashionably late. She is underdressed in the way that a frumpy person looks when she puts on her very best outfit. Marissa takes Juliet aside to call her out on her party pooping. Juliet didn’t want to hang out with Marissa’s friends on her big Thanksgiving birthday, and now Marissa is the idiot who threw a birthday party for a person who couldn’t even bother to show up. Bicker bicker, blah blah blah, and this is all happening in the middle of Caroline’s cocktail party. And you know what’s the most annoying thing? Besides Juliet, of course. It’s nowhere near Thanksgiving but now I really want turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce. Thanks a lot, ladies.

Next week, Caroline makes a homely lady choose people to fire, and one of the ladies eats chicken wings at a fancy party.

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