Our Ladies Of London are back, and have there always been two Carolines? Plus there’s a Juliet and a Julie?! One of the “blondes” needs to change her hairstyle because I cannot tell these ladies apart. Sigh. Stiff upper lip etc.  

We’re off to a great start as Caroline barks orders at her many employees, completely disobeying the blinking pink neon sign above her desk imploring her to “Be Nice!!” After instilling fear in everyone who relies on her for a paycheck, Caroline is driven to Juliet’s house, and possibly to drink. The trip is exhausting, and she cannot believe she has to go “south of the river.” I guess it’s like having to visit someone in New Jersey which I might totally understand except she has a chauffeur so OMG shut up!

Juliet’s house in Clapham is pretty lousy looking. Her life doesn’t sound much better. Her husband had to move anywhere other than near Juliet five days per week because, seriously, who could put up with Juliet on the regular? But, there’s a bright side. Juliet tells us that it’s a five million dollar house even though it looks like a hole-in-the-wall. No, really. There’s a hole in the wall.

But that was just the first of too many road trips this season. Over in a totally other car, Julie and Annabelle are on their way to Fopperton Estates. Julie explains that in England, estates go to the first-born son, which is her husband, Luke. And that’s a really, really big responsibility. Like it or not (and I think he likes it a lot), Luke must live on Fopperton Estates many days a week. Are you sensing a theme here? Yeah. Nobody wants to be around these ladies.

Flash forward to a totally other day and Marissa is explaining Thanksgiving to Annabelle on a street corner like a commoner. Then, Julie rolls up on a bicycle, completely astounding Marissa and Annabelle who have never seen a countess in sweaty spandex before….I guess they don’t watch the Real Housewives of New York? It’s off to shop for Thanksgiving food in the canned goods aisle just as Caroline and Juliet arrive because it takes five ladies to buy one turkey. Marissa offers up her restaurant for the meal, but Juliet doesn’t want to have Thanksgiving dinner at a restaurant. Meanwhile, Caroline thinks this whole thing reeks of social climbing desperation which is lulz because Annabelle is leaning against a shelf of Pepperidge Farm^® Goldfish^®.

Back at home, Caroline manages her personal assistant and the other non-personal assistant and the backup assistant and the nanny and the housekeepers. Whew! I’m exhausted just thinking about having to manage so many people. And all at once, too! Juliet arrives to rehash The War On Thanksgiving. To shut her up, Caroline volunteers her own home for the stupid Thanksgiving dinner. But wait! Caroline has a cocktail party the night before! But it doesn’t matter because Caroline’s staff can just work harder.

But who’s going to break the news to Marissa? Oh right, Juliet. Tradition, words, home, tradition, love, more words, in a home, rush to leave, unbuckling the top button, blah blah blah it’s also Juliet’s birthday….and so Juliet is having Thanksgiving dinner at Caroline’s house. Marissa rants about a turkey birthday cake which sounds disgusting and I’m waiting for one of them to shout, “Hold my earrings!” But no, it’s more passive-aggressive than aggressive-aggressive.

That is, until Caroline’s cocktail party. Marissa arrives with turkey hats for everyone, which nobody wants ever. Go give your tacky turkey hats to someone who cares, Marissa. Like Martha Stewart. Juliet rolls in a bit more than fashionably late. She is underdressed in the way that a frumpy person looks when she puts on her very best outfit. Marissa takes Juliet aside to call her out on her party pooping. Juliet didn’t want to hang out with Marissa’s friends on her big Thanksgiving birthday, and now Marissa is the idiot who threw a birthday party for a person who couldn’t even bother to show up. Bicker bicker, blah blah blah, and this is all happening in the middle of Caroline’s cocktail party. And you know what’s the most annoying thing? Besides Juliet, of course. It’s nowhere near Thanksgiving but now I really want turkey and stuffing and cranberry sauce. Thanks a lot, ladies.

Next week, Caroline makes a homely lady choose people to fire, and one of the ladies eats chicken wings at a fancy party.

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My favorite Real Housewives are New York, followed by Orange County, and then maybe Beverly Hills. But I’m ready to switch it up and cross the pond for some Real Brits. Or, rather, two Brits and a smattering of Americans who married into the crown. Let’s meet our ladies:

Caroline
Caroline is a member of an Olde English Family. She is married to an investment banker and claims to have “mixed with the royals from a very young age.” She runs some sort of gifts-­‐for-­‐rich-­‐people-­‐who-­‐can’t-­‐be-­‐bothered-­‐to-­‐pick-­‐out-­‐their-­‐own-­‐ gifts business.

Caprice
A trashtastic former “sex symbol” transplant from ’murica, Caprice is about as British as Madonna but with a fraction of the class. One of her claims-­‐to-­‐fame is having dated David Spade, so…yeah. Oof. Caprice thinks she has been accepted into British social circles, but her British frenemies have their own thoughts on the matter.

Annabelle
I adore this chick. She was Alexander McQueen’s muse, and I want all of her clothes. That unicorn sweater! The “God Save The Queen” military jacket! GIVE ME THOSE RIDING BOOTS!!!

Noelle
Noelle is another Stupid American. She’s a former model from Seattle, because Seattle and London go together like peanut butter and kiwis. She is a very successful gold digger who is currently dating a man who served jail time for something involving money. And like a good girlfriend, Noelle vows to leave him if he can’t get the case sorted out.

Juliet
This one is a Chicago girl who has only been in London for three years. She lives in a bad part of town, south of a river. She used to know famous people, but now she’s just boring. And very, very American. She is…noisy.

Marissa
Marissa is a California blonde married to “a Brit.” She was shunned by London society…until everyone learned that her husband owns a very exclusive nightclub. She dresses like Holly Hobby’s awkward younger sister for a day in the park with her husband and small child. Marissa is thisclose to becoming a UK citizen to avoid a long cue at customs.

Juliet visits Marissa at her mansionette. The two Americans attempt to make a cup of tea and fail miserably. They gossip about Noelle and her jailbird husband and his broken finger. It broke while he was putting on skinny jeans. Juliet does not want to be associated with Noelle’s husband. The word “shady” is bantered about, and then the ladies arrive at an empty restaurant for afternoon tea. “It’s so cuuuute! It’s so cute here! So cute!” Noelle is there, and she doesn’t want to talk about her husband. Juliet pushes and pushes and pushes, and Noelle is having none of it, nope. Not a bit.

Noelle and Caprice go to lunch so that Caprice can give Noelle advice on how to get by in their adopted town. Caprice’s advice is to not be so pretty, which she seems to have taken to heart. “Some people think Noelle is a golddigger—I just think she’s a hustler.” Oh well that’s much better!

Caroline is preparing for “a nice, sophisticated day out” with Caprice and Annabelle. It’s Polo In The Park, which I think is the British version of Shakespeare In The Park. In one car, the Brits. In the other, the Yankees. They all converge on a…box? Are there boxes at polo matches? Like, reserved standing areas? The Brits mock the Americans for being overdressed, and for the fawning. They bond over knowing nothing about polo. “Nobody goes to polo to watch polo.” And nobody talks about going to polo to watch polo, either.

Next week a royal baby and a fashion show.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

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