My favorite Real Housewives are New York, followed by Orange County, and then maybe Beverly Hills. But I’m ready to switch it up and cross the pond for some Real Brits. Or, rather, two Brits and a smattering of Americans who married into the crown. Let’s meet our ladies:

Caroline
Caroline is a member of an Olde English Family. She is married to an investment banker and claims to have “mixed with the royals from a very young age.” She runs some sort of gifts-­‐for-­‐rich-­‐people-­‐who-­‐can’t-­‐be-­‐bothered-­‐to-­‐pick-­‐out-­‐their-­‐own-­‐ gifts business.

Caprice
A trashtastic former “sex symbol” transplant from ’murica, Caprice is about as British as Madonna but with a fraction of the class. One of her claims-­‐to-­‐fame is having dated David Spade, so…yeah. Oof. Caprice thinks she has been accepted into British social circles, but her British frenemies have their own thoughts on the matter.

Annabelle
I adore this chick. She was Alexander McQueen’s muse, and I want all of her clothes. That unicorn sweater! The “God Save The Queen” military jacket! GIVE ME THOSE RIDING BOOTS!!!

Noelle
Noelle is another Stupid American. She’s a former model from Seattle, because Seattle and London go together like peanut butter and kiwis. She is a very successful gold digger who is currently dating a man who served jail time for something involving money. And like a good girlfriend, Noelle vows to leave him if he can’t get the case sorted out.

Juliet
This one is a Chicago girl who has only been in London for three years. She lives in a bad part of town, south of a river. She used to know famous people, but now she’s just boring. And very, very American. She is…noisy.

Marissa
Marissa is a California blonde married to “a Brit.” She was shunned by London society…until everyone learned that her husband owns a very exclusive nightclub. She dresses like Holly Hobby’s awkward younger sister for a day in the park with her husband and small child. Marissa is thisclose to becoming a UK citizen to avoid a long cue at customs.

Juliet visits Marissa at her mansionette. The two Americans attempt to make a cup of tea and fail miserably. They gossip about Noelle and her jailbird husband and his broken finger. It broke while he was putting on skinny jeans. Juliet does not want to be associated with Noelle’s husband. The word “shady” is bantered about, and then the ladies arrive at an empty restaurant for afternoon tea. “It’s so cuuuute! It’s so cute here! So cute!” Noelle is there, and she doesn’t want to talk about her husband. Juliet pushes and pushes and pushes, and Noelle is having none of it, nope. Not a bit.

Noelle and Caprice go to lunch so that Caprice can give Noelle advice on how to get by in their adopted town. Caprice’s advice is to not be so pretty, which she seems to have taken to heart. “Some people think Noelle is a golddigger—I just think she’s a hustler.” Oh well that’s much better!

Caroline is preparing for “a nice, sophisticated day out” with Caprice and Annabelle. It’s Polo In The Park, which I think is the British version of Shakespeare In The Park. In one car, the Brits. In the other, the Yankees. They all converge on a…box? Are there boxes at polo matches? Like, reserved standing areas? The Brits mock the Americans for being overdressed, and for the fawning. They bond over knowing nothing about polo. “Nobody goes to polo to watch polo.” And nobody talks about going to polo to watch polo, either.

Next week a royal baby and a fashion show.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

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Reprinted with permission from www.moderndaymom.com

Caroline

Caroline’s daughter, Lauren, calls herself “a grown-ass woman,” but her father reminds her that she is a grown-ass woman mooching off of her parents.  Caroline’s sister, Fran, is also living in Caroline’s house and is considerate enough of a houseguest to take in a three-legged foster dog.  While sitting around the breakfast bar like a big, happy family, Caroline tells her husband that she’s asking Teresa to meet with her to talk about Teresa’s brother’s concerns. Caroline makes a half-hearted attempt at acting like she is not totally excited about getting into the middle of this, but even Fran’s three-legged dog isn’t buying it.

Teresa

Teresa is in the kitchen mushing gruel around in a pan  (with her cookbook prominently product placemented on the counter) while her kids yell at each other. She tells them to sit down, shut up, and make cards for either Nono, or Hobo. Whichever, I’m sure he’ll love the sentiment.

Caroline’s text arrives, and Teresa asks Kim for advice about meeting with Caroline (while wearing a bedazzled trucker hat that is probably meant to drown out the voices). When Teresa gets home, she tells her husband, Joe, that Caroline wants to meet with her to tawk about everything. Joe tells Teresa to demand an apology and leave if she doesn’t get one, so I’m guessing it is going to be a very short meeting.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline is doing a video blog for Parenting Magazine which, holy hell, really? She is offering parenting advice?  I mean good for her telling the story about how she realized her kid had autistm, but really, perhaps the family that has the cameras in their faces twenty-four-seven is not the family others’ should turn to for insight. But what do I know, I have a cat.

Meanwhile, Melissa’s husband is talking to Jacqueline’s husband about Viagra. Pass the brain bleach! He invites everybody over for dinner. When they arrive, the boys plus Rosie go off to play poker. The men have lots of questions for Rosie. Is she a boobs or ass girl? Boobs. Has she ever been with a man? No. Men. Always so flummoxed that a woman wouldn’t want to have anything to do with their manliness.

Aw, that’s sweet. Jacqueline’s husband taught her son to say, “I love you,” which gives Jacqueline hope that he is capable of so much more (the son, not the husband). And I’m not even going to get into how the parroted words were bribed with a lollipop, because it doesn’t even matter. It was sweet.

Kathy

Kathy and her husband, Rich, try to teach their idiot son, Joseph, how to drive. It’s scary. Real scary.  The kid is a moron and ought to come with a warning label not to operate heavy machinery. They then pick up their daughter, Victoria, from Caldwell College, a school for nuns, nunnery, and possibly nunsense.  Ooh. I actually know a professor at Caldwell College. Lucky for Victoria he is too ethical to dish the dirt.

Melissa

Melissa gets a visitor. It’s Jerry, a real estate agent who has been trying to unload their McMansion for the past six months, but nobody wants a house with a coating of gold paint and desperation. Why is Melissa selling this palace? Because she doesn’t want her kids going to school with Teresa’s kids. Yeah. Because but for Teresa’s kids, Melissa’s kids would be Nobel Peace Prize winners.

Jerry hosts an open house for potential buyers, and for some reason Melissa thinks it’s a good idea to have kids running around the house while the buyers are touring the property. Oh, ha! A sink handle in the master bathroom falls off in the buyer’s hands, and there’s a massive crack in the vanity that reveals it’s wood with a faux marble coating. Well what do you expect for $3.8 million? A real marble vanity? What do you think this is, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

The Big Showdown Between Teresa And Caroline

Teresa begins by telling Caroline how good she looks, and she does look good, for Caroline. Teresa doesn’t like Caroline getting in the middle, especially (or, rather, “expecially”) since Caroline has yet to mend fences with her own sister, Dina. She notes that “it’s like the Italians say, ‘when the third person comes in, it causes more problems.’” The Italians were probably talking about the bedroom, but whatever. Caroline then shoots back something about Kim D., and wants to know how Teresa can call her a friend. Then there’s tawk about Jacqueline being “a true and loyal friend,” and Teresa being a different person, and I’m lost. The purpose of this meeting is a little unclear. But wait! A breakthrough! If Melissa admits that she was “a f***ing bitch,” then Teresa will admit that she was “a f***ing bitch.” So…progress?

Next week, that moron of a kid takes his father’s (probably rented) Ferrari out for a spin, and Melissa and Teresa have a meeting of the minds, minus the minds.

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