Shopping, shopping, shopping, sitting in traffic, and with two and a half hours of prep left, Bryan and his Sous Chef finally arrive in the kitchen while Jennifer and her Sous Chef, and Douglas and nobody, have already been chopping and slicing and simmering for quite some time. Due to the lack of assistance, Douglas is running behind schedule. Luckily he gets his Sous Chef back the next day.

With ten minutes left before dinner service, the chefs put the final touches on their first plates. The “special guests” who get to eat this delicious meal are Alan Richman, Jane Goldman, Hadley Timicki, James Oseland, Gail Simmons, Ruth Reichl, Francis Lam, and Lesley Suter. Wow, that’s some table.

Bryan’s first dish is groat salad with Dungeness crabb, asparagus, hen egg custard and chicken skin (and it looks kind of gross). Douglas’s first dish is soup billi bi with white wine, saffron, fennel puree and uni. Jennifer’s first dish is potato-sunchoke galette with salmon, caviar, pickled apple and crème fraiche. The judges are loving Bryan’s beige and slimy crab dish, and then they gush over Jennifer’s soup before being brought to orgasm by Douglas’s mussel dish.

Bryan’s new dish is black cod with onion dashi, date and parsnip puree and green apple. Douglas’s dish is soba wrapped ocean trout, ginger dashi and groats. Jennifer’s new dish is paella gnocchi with chicken meatballs, mussels and shrimp. Bryan’s parsnip puree is the true winner of this round.

It’s time for something borrowed. Bryan stole braised beef cheek and New York strip with seaweed potatoes and maitake mushrooms. Douglas pilfered duck breast with sake roasted daikon, tamarind, golden pea sprouts and dates. Jennifer bilked Chinese duck with shitake broth, eggplant daikon, grilled bok choy and duck wonton. The judges are torn over Bryan’s dish, Douglas’s duck is a little overcooked, and Jennifer’s dish is “pure Wolfgang Puck.”

It’s time for dessert, and the chefs do not disappoint. Bryan serves a gorgeous coconut, lavender, and vanilla something-or-other, Douglas prepared black sesame panna cotta, shattered miso custard and green tea matcha, and Jennifer went more traditional with smoked macadamia with chocolate Bavarian napoleon, tapioca and milk caramel. The judges are slightly put off by Bryan’s dessert because it is so minimal. Douglas’s dessert is grey, but everyone finds it tasty nonetheless. Jennifer’s was hit-or-miss.

At the Critic’s Table, Douglas takes some heat for his grey dessert, Jennifer receives criticism for interpreting the Sous Chef dish too literally, and Bryan’s third course was too heavy for everyone. It’s pretty clear to me that Bryan is walking away with the win, but let’s allow the judges to have their moment. “The winner of Top Chef Masters is…Douglas.” Douglas? Douglas. Huh. Good for him.

Thanks for following along, it was an amusing season. The next season of the real Top Chef starts October 2, so fire up the grill.

The remaining chefs are met by Daniel Handler, an accordion player who turns out to be the writer of theLemony Snicket books. He introduces the Quickfire Challenge. The winner of the Sous Chef competition and the corresponding Real Chef will decide what the challenge is (and gets the coveted immunity for the Real Chef), and the winning Sous Chef is Paul, Douglas’s replacement Sous Chef.  They decide on a dish featuring ketchup because Sang doesn’t permit ketchup in his restaurant. Oh, also? Sang and Jennifer’s Sous Chefs were on the bottom of the competition, so they’ll have an obstacle later in the competition.

So what did Douglas make for his own challenge? Duck breast with ketchup and mustard red miso, blood turnip and scallion. It looks murky. Sang prepared karaage fried chicken with sweet chili sauce and grilled enoki mushrooms which looks delicious, but I’m a little unclear on where he hid the ketchup. Jennifer cooked scallop with ketchup sauce, fermented black beans, avocados and blood orange. Bryan was thinking pub food and made buffalo chicken wings with celery emulsion and blue cheese snow, which is another dish that doesn’t seem to feature the ketchup. David prepared a grilled cheese and scallop sandwich with ketchup soup and salad with ketchup dressing. Cheese and fish? Isn’t that a no-no? The least favorite dish is David’s soup, salad, and sandwich combination because yes you are never supposed to pair cheese and fish. Also on the bottom was Douglas, who thunked up this challenge. The winning dish is Jennifer’s scallop and ketchup sauce.

So…Lucha Vavoom…a troupe of Mexican wrestlers who are also into burlesque and maybe some comedy bound into the Top Chef kitchen. The next challenge is to cook a Mexican meal for three hundred guests for one of the wrestlers’ shows. The chefs go to a Mexican market and try to sort through ingredients that many of them are not so familiar with…except for Jennifer who has been cooking Mexican food for her entire life.

Because Sang and Jennifer’s Sous Chefs were on the bottom on the Sous Chef competition, they have to switch Sous Chefs which totally screws them up because a) there’s the possibility that the Sous Chef will try to throw the competition; and b) the Real Chefs already coordinated their dishes with their Sous Chefs. It proves to be a huge time suck, especially for Sang.

The chefs begin serving their food to the most bizarrely costumed guests ever on Top Chef. The tequila doesn’t hurt, either. There’s a tiny hint of a wrestling match, and then it’s time to judge the food. David made shrimp and chorizo quesadilla with chipolte and watermelon and a red snapper Veracruz with pumpkin seeds and cactus. The judges take issue with David calling it a quesadilla because it’s so not a quesadilla. Bryan’s dishes are shrimp and chorizo with plantain and yellow corn porridge, and chili masa dumplings, braised beef tongue, salsa verde and avocado. There’s talk about the texture of the shrimp, and a dirty joke about tacos.

Now it’s time for some wrestling, and Curtis is pretty much digging it. Jennifer made shrimp, bass and scallop cheviche with papaya, mango, pineapple and plantain crisp, and a guajillo chile posole with shaved cabbage, lime, cilantro and queso fresco. The judges are loving the flavor of Jennifer’s dishes, so she clearly knows her Mexican cuisine. Chef Sang, on the other hand, went in a different direction. He made Thai-style shrimp cocktail with avocado foam and tortilla strips, and then brought it back to Mexico with pork barbacoa with sweet corn sope and radish cabbage stew. Lastly, Douglas prepared bloody Maria with spicy tequila, tomato and citrus, and chorizo and corn fritter with scallion and garlic aioli. Even though the judges love their booze, they are not blown away by the cocktail. But Douglas’s fritter is a big hit.

It’s time for the critics to weigh in, and they ask to see all of the chefs. The favorite dishes were from Jennifer and Bryan. Jennifer was able to layer amazing flavors in a short amount of time, and Bryan’s dishes were also surprisingly flavorful (except for his oddly-textured shrimp). The winning chef is Jennifer. Douglas has immunity, so that means David and Sang are up for elimination. The judges felt that the fish sauce overpowered the Mexican elements in his dish, and the pork was salty. As for David’s dish, there was too much tortilla so it was dry and bland, and the olives overwhelmed his snapper dish. And with that, Sang goes home. Wow. That’s too bad, he was fun to watch.

Next week, the chefs are cooking for teachers.

Reprinted with permission from www.healthywaytocook.com

Last week, Jennifer and Sue were both sort of eliminated and sent to battle it out Sous Chef-style. Jennifer prevailed and returns to continue the competition with the Real Chefs. Their Quickfire Challenge is guest-judged by Ali Larter, actress and book writer.  With only thirty minutes on the clock, it’s a Top Chef Masters’ take on nachos, which is confusing and—let’s be honest—pointless. As an added nacho bonus, immunity is up for grabs.

There’s peppers, orange cheeses, onions, and for some reason Sang is making corn cake, Neal is smoking pork rinds, and David is using squid ink. Neal made a flauta with tomatillo salsa, David prepared calamari and fried mango with squid ink, Douglas did a deconstructed thing with shrimp, powdered nacho chips, and salsa consume, Jennifer cooked skirt steak with tomatillo salsa verde, Sang concocted a masa corn griddle cake with chorizo hash, and Bryan made avocado wrapped crab salad. Ali’s least favorite dishes were from David, who basically tossed melted cheese and chips on a plate, and Sang’s powdered cheese reminded her of boxed mac and cheese. Her favorites were Douglas’s deconstructed nacho, and Bryan’s avocado wrapped crab salad.  Douglas wins the challenge, and he has immunity from the next round.

Fishing! The Elimination Challenge will be in teams of two: Bryan/Sang; David/Neal; Jennifer/Douglas. The chefs must prepare one hot and one cold seafood dish from the catch of the day, and will serve sixty guests at a Malibu restaurants. And, they won’t know what protein they will have to work with until the truck drops it off in the morning.

The truck pulls up and it’s filled with a knife block to decide who picks first. Douglas goes first and takes the John Dory, David takes the sea bass, and Bryan and Sang are stuck with the sable.

The sable takes a while to filet because it has very tiny bones, so Sang and Bryan have a time suck. Sang used the fish to prepare a cold dashi cured sablefish with charred cucumber and Bryan cooked BBQ sable fish win pine nuts and cornbread. Sang’s dish made the judges’ faces squinch up, and I think some of them said, “eew!” Neal made local sea bass crudo with citrus tomato pepper vinaigrette, and David prepared Mediterranean glazed sea bass with tomato couscous and curry oil. The presentation is a mess, and Curtis’s raw fish looks butchered. Also, the couscous is greasy. Douglas and Jennifer worked together on both components of their dish which is John Dory two ways, kimchi cured and crispy with cucumbers. It’s called a “wonderful juxtaposition,” and a beautiful presentation.

The team with the critics’ favorite dishes were from Douglas and Jennifer. Flavor, texture, complexity…perfection. There’s criticism for the remaining four chefs, with words like “tough,” “chewy,” “damp,” and “disintegrated in the most unpleasant way” being thrown around. It’s Neal going home, for various muddy reasons. Well, at least he got to meet Yo Gabba Gabba.

Next week, I have no idea what’s going on. Seriously. What is this? Chef wrestling?

Reprinted with permission from www.healthywaytocook.com

Mindy Kaling presents the Quickfire Challenge, which is to interpret one of Mindy’s favorite romantic comedy and put it on a plate.

With thirty minutes, the scrambling and chopping and sweating begins. Sue made salty cayenne chips and pickles for Knocked Up. David made southern grits with fried duck for Sweet Home Alabama. Douglas made scrambled eggs and caviar for Midnight In Paris. Neal made Mediterranean sea bass for Vicky Christina Barcelona. Bryn made poached oysters with burrata and prosciutto for Mystic Pizza. Sang made apple pie compote with dates for When Harry Met Sally. Jennifer made insalata di frutti di mare for Roman Holiday. Sang and Jennifer had Mindy’s least favorite dishes, and Neal, Douglas, and Sue had her favorites. The winning dish is from Douglas.

David’s Sous Chef won the Sous Chef competition, so he has immunity in the next elimination challenge. Sue, Neil, and Jennifer’s Sous Chefs had the least favorite dishes, so they will not have their help during prep. Aaaaand in bounce Yo Gabba Gabba, or “a carrot and an oil can and a green thing.” The chefs have two hours to put their own spin on making healthy treats for kids that adults would also want to eat. It will be served to sixty guests who I suspect are small humans. The chefs must incorporate one of twelve kid-yucky ingredients in their dishes:

David: avocado

Sang: cauliflower

Neal: spinach

Sue: cottage cheese

Bryan: beets

Jennifer: melon

Douglas: eggplant

And, since Sue, Neal, and Jennifer’s Sous Chefs screwed up their challenge, they will also have to incorporate the dreaded brussels sprout in their dishes. Also, it’s a double elimination.

Jennifer made melon-yogurt parfait “sandwich” with pickled brussels sprouts and mint. The judges find it to be sour, which is not a flavor that kids tend to want to eat. Sang made teriyaki chicken meatballs with cauliflower foam. Neal prepared pasta with Brussels sprout and spinach Bolognese. The judges call it “genius” because it’s a sophisticated version of Chef Boyardee. Douglas made eggplant jelly with crispy rice. The judges can’t even imagine kids liking the slimy dish, which, yeah. Eew. David cooked up some avocado yogurt something-or-other that he’s calling ratatouille. The judges don’t like it, and the kids certainly don’t like it. Sue made mac and cheese with maple glazed brussels sprouts and bacon with cottage cheese. The judges call it an obvious choice and it’s kind of heavy. Bryan prepared ruby beet sorbet with toasted granola and a vanilla yogurt dome. The judges like the presentation, but the beets taste “like a face full of mud.”

The critics ask to see Neal, Sang, and Douglas. They had their favorite dishes. The critics felt that Douglas’s slimy eggplant jelly was a bold dish, and the kids that tasted it realized that they kind of liked eggplant. Sang was smart by making a meatball, which is something that kids like. But Neal managed to successfully hide brussels sprouts in his dish, and for that, he gets the win.

The critics’ least favorite dishes are from Bryan, Jennifer, and Sue. Two of the chefs will be going home. Jennifer’s decision to add pickled brussels sprouts was questionable. Sue’s dish brought out the brussels sprouts flavor in the scent of the dish which made them not want to eat it before they even tried the food. Bryan’s dish was confusing to the kids because it looked so beautiful but tasted so…dirty. Bryan is safe, and Sue and Jennifer are going home. Or are they? Curtis invites them to cook one more time on Battle of the Sous Chefs, and whichever one wins gets back on the Real Chefs show.

Next week, a fishing trip.

First things first. Names? Concepts?

David, Sang, Douglas, and Sue name their restaurant 72 & Sunny based upon Los Angeles’s only season, which is kind of a cool concept. Jennifer, Bryan, Neal, and Lynn bore our ears with Artisan, with a local ingredient theme.

Curtis and Pregnant Busy Philipps drop in on the chefs during their prep, and Busy threatens to stick her face in the middle of a pile of chocolate. Thankfully, Curtis shuffles her out before she can do too much damage. Chopping, slicing, mincing, blending, and decisions are being made right and left. David Burke is running the front of the house for 72 & Sunny, and Jennifer is running the front of the house for Artisan, along with preparing two of the team’s dishes. The 72 & Sunny team decides to let one of the servers do the expediting, which is a bizarre move since it leaves quality control in the hands of some random guy.

The critics arrive at Artisan, and Curtis introduces Jennifer to Gail Simmons, Ruth Reichl, Francis Lam, Dana Cowin, and Busy Philipps. The first dish out is Jennifer’s cauliflower tahini soup, followed by her citrus salad with avocado and chevre. The judges were a little confused by the texture of the tahini and found the salad confusing. Next is Bryan’s cobb salad inspired salmon with dehydrated bacon and horseradish snow. The next main coarse is Neil’s traditional New York strip steak. The judges are in love with Bryan’s salmon dish. While they enjoy Neal’s steak, it is deemed predictable. For dessert, the critics are served Lynn’s brownie and Neal’s olive oil cake. Neil’s cake is called “lackluster,” and the banana ice cream on Lynn’s overly-rich brownie has a strange flavor.

Over at 72 & Sunny, David is flirting with every last guest. The first dishes to come out are Douglas’s slow poached salmon with ginger sisho, and Sue’s quinoa salad with radishes and vinaigrette. The critics find Douglas’s salmon dish to be oddly squishy, and they are unimpressed with Sue’s ordinary salad. David and Douglas’s snapper on corn puree with garlic and chorizo has a bit of a bite, but it is no match for Sang’s strip loin with broccoli two ways which is called all sorts of wonderful words like “heavenly” and “special.” For dessert, David prepared a panna cotta with spiced honey and Sue made a chocolate malt semifreddo. The judges enjoy both of the desserts, with extra props to Sue for essentially creating an upscale s’more.

After all of the bellies have been filled, the critics declare 72 & Sunny the winners of Restaurant Wars. David’s service gets top marks, as does his panna cotta. But it’s Sang’s black bean and broccoli strip loin that earns yet another win. Slow clap for Sang who is crushing the competition.

Jennifer’s salad and soup receives criticism involving the word “leathery,” which is never a good thing in food or cosmetics. Also, Lynn’s brownie was too big and sweet and didn’t feel like a sundae. Bryan’s cobb salad was a bright spot for the critics. It’s Lynn that gets the boot as she is shipped back to Canada.

Next week, the chefs come face-to-mask with Yo Gabba Gabba, which I think is Swedish for, “Shut Up Kids Shut Up.”

The least favorites are Lynn’s carbonara and Sue’s charred pork. The judge’s favorite dishes are Neal’s pork and duck ricotta, and Sang’s spicy pork. And the win goes to Sang, again.

For the Elimination Challenge, the chefs will be cooking for the cast of Days of our Lives, who have just taped their twelve millionth episode. The chefs will be divided up into three teams: sex, greed, and murder. Because Lynn’s Sous Chef won her challenge, Lynn has immunity and gets to choose which story line she wants to cook for…and she picks “sexy.” Chef Sang, Franklin, and Bryan’s Sous Chefs were the worst in the kitchen, so they have a plot twist to be revealed later. Oh, but twist! The teams aren’t teams so much as competitors.

Prep, prep, prep, and the three Real Chefs whose Sous Chefs screwed up receive various time penalties relating to soap operas—thirty minutes in jail, thirty minutes in a coma, there’s even an organ player, and thirty minutes being the murder victim in a crime scene. Unfortunately, the time penalty may have done Sang in as he fails to get all of his elements on the plate.

The cast slithers onto the set, and Curtis is still the most handsome person in the room. Murder is first on the menu. Jennifer made seared and murdered duck. Odette made poison mushroom ravioli. Sang cooked chicken liver meatball. Odette’s presentation falls flat, and Sang’s chicken skin is salty. After murder comes sex. Franklin prepared salmon and crab. Neal made scallop ceviche and snapper.  David cooked lobster scramble with toast. Lynn made bacon wrapped duck breast. Neal’s snapper completely overwhelmed the rest of the dish, David tried too many things and once and the flavors get lost, and Lynn’s dish is way too rich. Finally, greed. Bryan cooked turbot with seafood concentrate. Sue made a few crabs. Douglas also has a crab dish, but with shrimp. Bryan’s dish is too salty, and Douglas’s sauce is “confused.”

The favorite dishes are from Sue, Jennifer, and Franklin. The winning dish was prepared by Jennifer, who “muuuhdehhed the competition.” The least favorite dishes were from Douglas, Lynn, and Odette. Since Lynn has immunity, that leaves Douglas and Odette on the chopping block. Odette’s ravioli lacked flavor and was generally too subtle. Douglas then starts to blame the dislike of his dish and Odette’s oozy egg yolk on the unsophisticated diners, which is an interesting thing to do in front of, oh, I don’t know, the judges who were also the diners!  His food is just too intense for most people. And Odette is going home, which is a shame because Douglas is kind of a dick and she seems super sweet. But, what do I know. I can’t taste the food.

Next week, Curtis makes out with some chick who I hope is his wife.

Richard is the last to complete his prep, with only eleven minutes to cook a delicious dish. Thankfully, someone named raw meat “tartare” and decided that it was gourmet, so Richard decides to “cook” lamb tartare. Jennifer’s seared lamb sounds tasty, Sang’s baby squid looks beautiful, Sue’s seared lamb loin is called “tender,” and the pistachio’s take it to a new level, Lynn’s grilled lamb falls flat because of the celery root, Jenn’s lab tartare is well-seasoned, Richard’s lamb tartare is inconsistent in the knife work, Doug’s lamb tataki hot pot has murky broth, Bryan’s carpaccio of lamb is better in concept than reality, Odette’s lamb chops don’t mesh with the ratatouille, Franklin’s squid with lamb shwarma blows Curtis’s mind. Gail’s favorite dishes were from Sang, Sue, and Jenn. She gives the win to Sue. Gail’s least favorite dishes were from Lynn, Odette, and Richard. The least successful dish was Richard’s tartare, and he is eliminated from the competition. I’m guessing he’s also going to fire his Sous Chef.

It’s another Elimination Challenge. The chefs must choose a classic American dish and put an Asian twist on it for a pop up food market. The Real Chefs will have the help of their Sous Chefs for two hours of prep before two hundred hungry guests arrive. Cutting, slicing, water baths, lobsters are bathing in boiling water, and a meatball sub is being transformed into a bahn mi sandwich.

Francis Lam, Gail Simmons, and James Oseland are the judges. Jenn serves them a pork meatball bahn mi, but the bread is too…bready. Franklin made a Peking-style burger which is a hit. Odette turned spaghetti and meatballs in to glass vermicelli with fish balls that everyone finds too fishy. For some reason, a likely-drunk Kathy Lee shows up to make dirty jokes. Bryan’s gyoza dumplings are tasty, but Neal’s Panko-crusted chicken with coconut has mixed reviews because some people don’t love chicken hearts. Sang cooked fried shrimp heads that James talks about in poetry. Lynn made pulled pork on scallion biscuits which everyone finds delicious. Jennifer created a B.L.T. that’s too much like a B.L.T.. Sue made a lobster roll that Curtis calls smart, but James and Gail both found shells. David cooked up a ginger BBQ chicken dumpling that makes sense in the mouth. Douglas did a play on cookies and cream with coconut and something else that James thinks is gross because he hates the mix of savory and sweet…until he tastes it, and then he’s a convert.

The critics ask to see Bryan, Douglas, and Sang. Cheer up, boys, you had the critics’ favorite dishes. And the winning chef is Sang, who is now a double winner. I guess dried shrimp heads are something that people like to eat? The critics then ask to see Sue, Odette, and Jenn. Odette’s fish balls were gluey, Sue’s lobster salad was flavorless (except for the shells), and Jenn’s bahn mi’s bread was too much and all sorts of wrong.  Ultimately, the critics send Jenn home. Ah well.

Next week, the chefs cook for the cast of Days Of Our Lives, which I thought was cancelled decades ago.

(images via)

Reprinted with permission from www.healthywaytocook.com

It’s Top Chef Masters! And their sous chefs! Which means twice the number of cooks, and I’m already confused. So who are these chefs? Douglas Keane (Cyrus), Neal Fraser (Redbird), Sang Yoon (Lukshon), David Burke (no introduction required), Lynn Crawford (Ruby Watcho), Franklin Becker (The Little Beet), Bryan Voltaggio (Season 6 of Top Chef), Jenn Louis (Lincoln), Herb Wilson (Sushi Samba), and a half dozen other people who didn’t get introductory montages. And then in walk their sous chefs, totally muddling the television screen with white jackets.

So here’s how it’s going to work, I think. The sous chefs will compete against each other in their own competition aired on bravotv.com. If the sous chefs do well, the chefs will have immunity. If not, the chefs will have obstacles. When the chefs are eliminated, their sous chefs are eliminated as well. This is like when Project Runway tried to make the show about the models, and the producers eventually realized that nobody wants to watch the models do anything other than stomp the runway.

The sous chefs are removed from our television screens for their first competition, and the chefs (should I call them Sous Chefs and Real Chefs? I shouldn’t, but I will), and the Real Chefs are given a choice—if the Real Chefs skydive, they have two hours of cook time, and if they drive to the location, only one hour. The Real Chefs will have to use whatever ingredients their Sous Chefs used. The results of the Sous Chef competition are announced, and three of the Real Chefs have a handicap in the next challenge, and Doug has immunity.

Everyone except for Doug jumps out of a perfectly good airplane and finds their ingredients in the middle of a field. The three Real Chefs with the handicap (who I will not call the Handicapped Chefs, even though I really, really want to) quickly realize what their disadvantage is—they only have a butter knife, some scissors, and a spatula or two as kitchen tools.

Poaching, searing, slicing, and Herb is having trouble shucking his oysters. So who tanked and who shined? There’s Lynn’s pretty beet salad, David’s shrimp was too shrimpy, the halibut was bland, and Herb didn’t get his fried oysters on the plate. Jenn’s clams didn’t open, Sue cooked mahi mahi, Bryan made a plate of veggies, and Sang’s pork chop looks delicious. Odette presented chilled lamb and cauliflower, Jennifer prepared marinated skirt steak, Douglas cooked a Japanese scallop dish I can’t pronounce, Neal made pork meatballs, and Richard cut beef with a butter knife.

Curtis Stone, you handsome man. Who wins and who loses? Bryan, Neal, and Odette have the best dishes, and the winner is Odette and her chilled lamb and cauliflower. The worst dishes are from Herb, Richard, and David. Richard uses the old butter knife excuse. David seems surprised at the shrimpiness of his shrimps, but gets credit for deveining his shrimp with a butter knife. Herb totally takes responsibility for not getting his food on the plate. The judges send Herb home with a few fond memories.

Not bad for a season premiere. Next week, more cooking.