Terrible Television » LiLo

Lindsay: The Docu-Series Is Finally As Over As Her Career

misslinda — Mon, 21 Apr 2014 17:36:19 +0000

In this last episode of “Lindsay,” Lohan continues her volunteer work. Only this time, she volunteers to appear in a “Funny Or Die” sketch that, to be perfectly honest, does not look all that funny.

Lindsay Lohan is supposed to be in hair and makeup at 1:00 p.m. and in a car headed for the parking lot that is within view of my apartment (I just love living in the only part of town film shoots have left to use for authentic New York City “grit” backdrops). But good Lindsay doesn’t arrive until the sun is about to fall out of the sky with a giant ploop! sound and refuses to actually speak any lines.

The crew is filming Lindsay in her bed because she does not leave that space very often, and from that perch she can conduct all of her business. This includes texting friends and telling Poor Matt what to pack and how to fold it. For her trip to Art Basel, Lindsay gets hair extensions in an effort to get her natural hair to grow back, which makes absolutely no sense to me because those roots are just bonkers. While in Miami, the media reports an “altercation” in the house in which Lindsay was staying, and it involves a Hilton and a drug-fueled party.

Poor Matt explains that Lindsay doesn’t have “that much going on” so she can go out late at night with her friends and not worry about waking up for shoot time. As if she ever worried about that when she did have somewhere to be in the morning.

Yay! More community service! They’re going to find that kid she promised to visit again. Lindsay is hoping and praying that “they will say enough is enough” and understand she is leading a good life and stop with all of this silly community service. But until then, she’s going to hang with some kiddies and do art projects. This really must be cutting into her not working nor drinking time.

It’s 137 days out of rehab and Lindsay does some more volunteer work. She is introducing Miley Cyrus at the Jingle Ball. She brings the junkie who got his ear pierced with a knife in the wee hours of a morning, so you know it’s going to be a fun night. Lindsay asks to meet with Miley before the show so that she could find out what she wants her to say, but Miley won’t even respond to her tweets let alone agree to be seen on camera in this crapshow of a docu-series. I never thought I’d say this, but good for you, Miley Cyrus. So Lindsay went on stage and made it mostly about herself.

Lindsay has meetings, and something that vaguely resembles work:

Lindsay is discussing an upcoming project with a producer. “Edgy, grainy, handheld….” For some reason Lindsay is very involved behind-the-scenes.

What? Lindsay arrived on time for a photo shoot? The photographer keeps saying things like “ugh I love that, I love the pose it’s great, great, great, I love that, you are so incredible, amazing.”

Next is a meeting with a literary agent about a book deal. “I love writing, which is why I met with the literary agent.” She then explains that she could do a coffee table book, or a real book. And she has tons of journals. And her mother’s book is coming out, so she needs a book to come out, too. The agent explains that this is a multi-million dollar book, and she should have a deal within two weeks. That sound you hear is every writer on the planet weeping in unison.

Oh good, now we get to Lindsay’s brother’s karaoke app that Lindsay is a spokesperson — who goes to Pravda anymore?

Lindsay goes to Shanghai to receive a fashion achievement award that is given out to starlets who go a full year without flashing the camera. There’s also a photo shoot for a fashion magazine. Then, it’s off to Sundance to announce her participation in a movie. I guess that’s what people do, they go to a film festival and announce that they have a job? Is that normal?

Back in New York, Poor Matt packs up and moves back to Los Angeles. Due to a confidentiality agreement, he cannot speak about why he was let go but the papers say that it’s because she stopped paying him, which, yeah. I can believe that, and I’m surprised it took seven months. Then at about 275 days out of rehab, Poor Matt returns to help Lindsay for a week with the press for the docu-series.

Before the lights go out and the cameras turn away, Lindsay talks about her sex list. She says that it’s part of her Betty Ford steps, and someone who used to be a part of her life took a photo of the list and released it which is not cool at all. She also says that she had a miscarriage during the two weeks when she couldn’t film.

We totally feel for Lindsay, and really hope this show was everything she wanted it to be.For us… it was… something.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

Lindsay, Episode 6

misslinda — Mon, 14 Apr 2014 21:29:20 +0000

This episode begins with Lindsay’s Lifetime Channel For Starlets leaving, and Lindsay smoking alone, in a hat, on her living room floor. Just smoking and emoting, emoting and smoking. She is filming herself for the series.

The elder Lohan is writing an autobiography. No, strike that—the elder Lohan’s ghostwriter is writing a biography of the elder Lohan, and must mine Young Linds for material. They bounced around the title “Parent Trapped” or “The Parent Trip,” but struck it in favor of “My Life By Dina Lohan As Written Not By Dina Lohan.” There’s off-camera chatter between Old and Newer Lohan about what can and cannot be said, and I’m getting the idea that Dina is trying to put a much shinier gloss on her story than reality portends.

There’s lots of blathering about Lindsay’s father, and how unreliable he was, and his drug use, and the arrests, and yes, we know, he was a lousy father and Dina wasn’t much of a mother.

Next on the to-do list is hosting a Halloween party at a casino for a hundred grand. In order to collect her cash, she has to walk the red carpet and appear at the party from 10 p.m. to midnight. She arrives late and…what is she doing? Pouring fake blood on herself. Oh right, it’s Halloween. Which I guess is a good reason to toss fake blood all over the walls of a hotel room. At 11:30 p.m., Lindsay heads down to the red carpet.

Ah, there’s a dispute as to whether Lindsay performed her obligations under the contract. And she has anxiety over being around alcohol, which her mother is doing a great job of consuming in a Sexy Sleeping Beauty costume. Lindsay takes lots of selfies with fans, and…oh look. Headlines about how the casino wants their money back for not appearing on time or walking the red carpet. She eventually got her money, but those kinds of headlines are what’s killing whatever is left of her career.

Lindsay is going to be shot for Elle Indonesia. The photo shoot is scheduled for 12:30 p.m. and requires natural light, so of course it’s 2:30 p.m. and Lindsay is nowhere to be seen. Lindsay’s rep arrives at 3:00 p.m. with excuses about working late and needing to sleep, but nobody will say what she’s working on. A bottle, perhaps? They try to reschedule, for Sunday, and the fashion editor calls her a bitch because she is, and nobody is surprised that this happened, and this is insane. The crew flew to New York from freaking Indonesia, and Lindsay couldn’t even bother to show up.

Lindsay’s apartment has turned into a party. She has friends over who drink, and she goes to clubs but that’s okay because she dances and talks instead of sitting and drinking. She knows the demon energy in each particular club so she can work around that, or something.

It’s 7:21 a.m. on Sunday, the day that Lindsay is supposed to have her rescheduled photoshoot for Elle Indonesia. She is filming four tweaked out friends playing a game of dare. They dare one of them to get his ear pierced with a knife, a bottle of booze is involved, nobody can speak coherently, and I’m not getting a good vibe from this at all.

Lindsay gets to her photo shoot on time and bangs it out like a pro. She made it through five wardrobe changes before they lost the natural light. This upsets Lindsay because she wants more photos. She moves the photo shoot outside and has the photographer shoot her walking down the street. What Lindsay really wants is the attention from the paparazzi. But now she is pissed off because the photographer can’t continue and the paparazzi photos are going to be on the YouTubes and she sends her assistant Poor Matt to buy the photos off of the guy, who doesn’t want his stupid thousand dollars because he can make more money selling them to someone who is not Poor Matt.

Four days later, the photo shoot resumes. Late, of course. They shoot in Lindsay’s apartment, probably because at least they know she’ll maybe be there. There isn’t enough natural light by the time Lindsay gets her act together, so the documentary photographers set up their lights in order to get this thing moving. At 4:40 p.m., Lindsay is ready for her close up. Then, there’s a dispute over an interview. Lindsay can’t do the interview because her hangers-on are waiting to go out for the night. Ugh. She is just her own worst enemy.

Next week, Linday partners with a startup for the two-hour finale of this docu-series debacle.

Lindsay Lohan Had Some Wine, Whining Ensues

misslinda — Mon, 07 Apr 2014 20:17:08 +0000

It’s seventy-one days out of rehab and Lindsay Lohan‘s sober coach flew the coop. His place seems to have been taken by the “Trainer And Coach Of All Things Lifelike To The Stars” who is vying for the job of Lohan’s new manager-slash-agent.

LiLo is on the phone with her manager to “like call and check in and see….” Lohan is now setting up her own appointments with directors because her manager isn’t doing it for her. Lohan acknowledges that she is a “flight risk,” and nobody is going to give her that chance anymore. So, that’s progress. But it’s short lived as LiLo goes on to blame her agents for not “changing the conversation” when Lindsay’s name comes up in meetings and everyone writes her off as a lukewarm mess.

Clothes, shoes, accessories, everywhere. Everywhere! Piles and piles of clothes that Lohan has never and will never wear. So she decides to sell some of her prized possessions to make room for furniture. Or, because she’s really that strapped for cash. While the consignment shop picks through her piles, LiLo shops for new used clothes with the elder Lohan, which totally defeats the purpose because she buys more than she trades in, and what kind of mother lets her troubled daughter dig that hole even deeper? This is just so sad.

The moving truck arrives at 8:00 a.m. with more clothes for Lohan. More clothes! Whee! “Purses? Downstairs.” There are too many boxes for her “tiny” apartment, so the Lifestyle Of The Not-So-Rich-Or-Famous tries to get rid of some of the boxes before Lohan arrives in an effort to calm the chaos. Wait, what? Lindsay has been in the apartment the whole time, asleep. Sleep! Sleeping! Through a move! Oh hahahaha, the Life Coach lights “a fragrant candle” and it makes “all the difference in the world.” Yeah, that should do the trick.

Poor Matt. Poor, poor obedient Matt. He receives a text from Linsday that she wants the production crew to leave. “Pull everyone out…now.” Oprah is not going to be happy. The new plan is to move the new stuff out of the apartment to make room for the new new stuff, or furniture. It’s like a giant puzzle. At 12:40 p.m., Lohan emerges from her cocoon to pick through the lifetime of crap she has collected. She quickly retreats to the terrace with a friend and, I’m just going to toss this out there, she does not strike me as entirely sober, in a word-slurry kind of way.

LiLo is going to Los Angeles for seven days to have “career-advancing meetings” with her Life Coach To The Stars at her side, and she does not want the crew shooting her over there. All of the planning occurs without the assistance of a proper undergarment. Buy a bra, Lindsay! Really, trust me. Uh oh, the Life Coach accuses LiLo of drinking, which does not sit well with Ms. Lohan. She blames it on her mother projecting blah blah blah, and does not appreciate it being said on camera.

During her seven-day trip to Los Angeles, she did not contact her Life Coach and did not permit any filming. And the tabloids questioned her sobriety, taking a photo of her looking a mess and reaching for a bottle of wine. She admits to drinking one month earlier and blames that oopsie on being in a new relationship with someone who does drink.

But it gets worse. While in Los Angeles, Lohan blows off an appointment with a very important person in the industry that the Lifestyle Coach arranged for her. The Coach is not pleased and seems about ready to cut this off the second it appears that the checks might no longer clear, but Lindsay doesn’t even give her the chance. The next evening, she refuses to see the Life Coach. “Sometimes it’s better to leave before it gets ugly….” Okay, sure. Or, you just got fired by Lindsay Lohan for suggesting she might not be sober.

Next week, more of the same.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

image via the Daily Mail

Lindsay, Episode 4

misslinda — Mon, 31 Mar 2014 16:29:48 +0000

Where is she? Dina! Dina! Get ready for your close-up! Dina’s body is very, very orange, and she must have pissed off the make-up artist something fierce because her face is a totally different shade of white white. “Do you have any regrets about allowing Lindsay to go to California at that age?” Well she was nineteen, Oprah. I couldn’t stop her. Let me rattle off the excuses. Ugh. Dina, Dina, Dina. Your parenting skills are as questionable as your fashion sense.

BRING IN THE LINDSAY! Lindsay is ready, and Oprah is going to give her just a little more rope. Now it’s time for Oprah to leave and for Lindsay to get back to work. Gasp! Next Sunday, Oprah interviews Rob Lowe, the most gorgeous man on the planet! I will watch that, a lot.

Lindsay’s people haul fifteen Whole Foods bags into Lindsay’s apartment because Lindsay does not do food shopping. The Health And Wellness To The Stars Life Coach approves of the food purchases and prepares breakfast for Ms. Lohan—an egg white omelet. She cut her finger because cooking is hard.

Matt lets Lindsay know that he is moving her car to a garage because it’s piling up tickets outside. Then, he fires Lindsay’s new assistant, Hollie, for drinking wine in front of Lindsay. Well, good for Matt. At least there’s one person in her orbit genuinely looking out for her well-being. Also, Lindsay’s sober coach is preparing for his trip back to Los Angeles. He was only hired for a thirty-day transition and does not sound hopeful about Lindsay’s recovery.

Lindsay goes to a pole dancing class and says it is “really empowering for women.” Later, she has a thing on Jimmy Fallon’s talkie show. She puts on makeup and he dresses up as Lindsay and they practice a dance routine and it’s over and she’s out.

It’s community service time! Lindsay pops in on “underprivileged children” in a Brooklyn elementary school. Her parole officer should’ve given her a Metrocard and a smile and had her make her way to the school without the aid of an assistant, an SUV, and a driver, but this is nice, too. She remarks that her prior community service at a morgue was more like punishment and less like a learning experience, but this is like the good kind of community service because there are no dead bodies. “It takes so little to do so much and change a kid’s perception on life.” Okay…so…keep doing that, I guess? Maybe volunteer sometime? Oh good, Lindsay asked if she could come back next week. I hope she does, really.

The Health And Wellness Fame Seeker Life Coach makes a to-do list for Lindsay that includes “life” and “career.” We learn that Lindsay has not heard from the New York agents yet, which is a little disturbing if you’re Lindsay Lohan but totally normal if you’re any other actress. Life Coach thinks Lindsay deserves an agent with fire and passion. So…it’s the agent’s fault she can’t get work?

Lindsay has a middle-of-the-night dental emergency and rushes to a dentist. She holds up an iPhone photo of…a mouth? Her veneer came out, and she pushed it back in, and she needs to be sedated because dentists freak her out. She’s not worried about her sobriety because it wears off. There’s a weird pole in the middle of the exam room and I’m hoping that’s not the theme of this episode. Ugh. Why someone would have to be sedated with a mixture of valium, fentanyl, and propanol (all addictive substances) to repair a veneer is beyond me, but this girl certainly knows how to get her fix.

Oh whoops, Lindsay is spotted out at a cluuuuuurrrb. She says that she’s still sober, but it has come “really close, and it’s scary.” Lindsay’s sober coach is flying back to Los Angeles today, and he does not know whether or not she is sober. Or at least he can’t say that she is, and won’t discuss it with the cameras.

Next week, Lindsay is in tears and Matt shuts down production.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

Lindsay, Episode 3

misslinda — Mon, 24 Mar 2014 16:47:04 +0000

Fifty-six days out of rehab and Lindsay is finally settling into her apartment. She says it was stressful finding a place because she looked at, like, ten whole apartments. Ugh, can you imagine? Ten apartments! The stress!

Lindsay’s sober coach is helping her unpack, along with poor Matt, her personal assistant. Then there’s Hollie, Lindsay’s “second assistant.” She’s English and wears a quirky hat, and her presence relegates Matt to trudging out to Long Island in a truck with Lindsay’s driver to pick up her furniture. Matt needs to talk to Lindsay in order to work better as a team, but I’m guessing Lindsay likes the kind of team that doesn’t do a lot of talking but does a lot of doing.

There’s so much clothes. So. Much. Clothes. I’ve never seen boxes and boxes and boxes of clothes like this before. Then it gets sad as Lindsay unpacks her awards, most of them dusty from days long, long ago. There’s also a safe that rattles like jewelry when Lindsay’s lecherous father shakes it, but no combination.

The next day, the production crew is stranded outside of Lindsay’s apartment. They have been waiting for an hour. She has been late seven out of twelve shooting days. Lindsay says that she needs a day, blah blah blah, she needs this “for me,” and there you have it. Lindsay’s sober coach is afraid of the footage of her putting pounds and pounds of things away, basically. You know what I think? I think Lindsay had a little something-something stashed in those boxes and pockets and possessions, and she doesn’t want that on camera. The director is being perfectly reasonable, like, too reasonable. Then the “celebrity health and wellness coach” arrives, and you bet that she wants her camera time. Matt, the poor personal assistant, just wants five minutes alone with Lindsay to talk talk talk, but even he can’t get any facetime with the superstar. Lindsay’s latest excuse for not filming is a dermatologist appointment and an AA meeting. Well, now the production crew has been assigned the task of getting Lindsay’s apartment in order and settled, and they are going to film it. So…sure. Why not.

There are mountains of clothes. Piles. Yet apparently no bras, because Lindsay seems to have opted out of undergarments today. Lindsay is bickering with Matt over his failure to organize her crap. There are no keys, her boobs are bouncing everywhere, Lindsay thinks you can have keys made at Duane Reade (pro tip: you can’t), and “Please stop badgering me….you don’t have to be disrespectful….in the ways that you talk to me….” It’s not going to end well for Matt. Or Lindsay, but for totally different reasons.

Another day, another lunch date with the Celebrity Health And Wellness Coach. Aww. Lindsay’s roots are showing. Get that fixed, girl. Lindsay explains that her struggle with the filming is that she signed up for the cameras to be there, but not a reality show where the cameras are always there, or something like that, I don’t know. It’s hard to understand what she’s yammering about. She admits that she should’ve taken a little more time out of treatment before filming. Which is mature, but her solution is childish.

Okay, shit just got real. Oprah is coming by Casa Lohan of the Long Island Lohans for a check-in. Oprah’s people fill her in on the progress, including Lindsay not participating, not committing to shoots, changing the rules, blah blah blah. Oprah looks lovely on the Long Island Expressway, wearing a bright blue shirt and a steel blue seatbelt. Oprah wants to figure out what Lindsay wants, and if it’s not what Oprah wants, then she’s okay with letting it all go. Oprah feels let down because she believed Lindsay was ready even though everyone else said that this would happen.

Lindsay gets her hair all did, and Dina is so ready for her Oprah moment. Oh they even trotted out Grandma Lohan for the occasion. Oprah and Lindsay sit on a leather sectional and have some real talk. So Linds, what’s with all of this chaos you’re creating? “If you’re not ready to keep the commitment that you agreed to with me and the rest of the crew…I’m okay with that.” Well when you put it that way, Oprah. Lindsay pulls out her bullshit bag and comes back with “it’s weird” and “it’s hard.” So Oprah double high-fives her for being sober.

Oprah heard that she was out and went to see a boyfriend and was out late at night…and Lindsay says it’s not true. And Lindsay never lies, Oprah! Anyway, Oprah sees this documentary as a way to teach people how to turn their lives around. Uh, Oprah? Maybe you should’ve chosen anyone on the planet other than Lindsay Lohan. And then she lays down the law. “Keep your commitments. I can’t stand up for you, I can’t back you up, if I can’t trust you.”

Next week, Dina gets her facetime with Oprah, and Lindsay gets puppies.

Reprinted from HauteTalk.com

LiLo Alert

misslinda — Wed, 10 Apr 2013 04:16:02 +0000

Lindsay Lohan’s breasts have fallen and they can’t get up.

A Terrible Star Hits The Small Screen

misslinda — Sun, 25 Nov 2012 21:03:46 +0000

Walking calamity Lindsay Lohan graces our televisions tonight in what is sure to be a terrible made-for-tv-movie, Liz & Dick. Don’t get too excited, it’s only a Lifetime movie, so it’s about the Richard Burton kind of dick (as opposed to the Cinemax variety), with Lindsay Lohan playing the legendary Elizabeth Taylor. Lifetime bills it as Lohan’s “highly anticipated comeback movie role,” which is funny because it’s not a real movie. And hoo boy, I do not envy the makeup department’s daunting task of having to transform that decrepit slab of grizzled bacon into a young, dewy actress. Surely there’s a Technology & Engineering Emmy Award in this “movie’s” future.

While this is guaranteed to be Terrible Television, you will have to tune in tonight to see just how badly it ranks on the Cringeworthy Scale, one being Sucking Air In Through Your Teeth and ten being Classic Lindsay Lohan Train Wreck.

Liz & Dick airs Sunday night at 9 p.m. on the right coast on Lifetime, the channel for a slightly older female demographic. Enjoy?