Reprinted with permission from www.travelfreak.com

Teams take a moment to watch elephants drink before leaving the pit stop. Team Bro is the first team out at 5:39 a.m. and drive themselves to Boro Village for their next clue. BFFs leave a half hour later, followed closely by Permullet, YouTube, and My Family Is Famous. Roller Derby and Newlyweds are just a few minutes behind.

My Family Is Famous gets pulled over for speeding and are surprised that a quick batting of the eyelashes is insufficient to evade a speeding ticket. They must go to the police station and pay their ticket that day, which will surely slow them down. They are surprised to learn that a police station in Botswana does not accept American dollars. Because Caroline isn’t allowed to leave the police station, Jennifer gives a “nice man” (translation: the only white person she could find at a police station in Botswana) a hundred bucks and asks him to go into town and exchange the money for her. The man actually returns with the money, and My Family Is Famous are on their way to the Road Block.

Team Bro finds the clue box and choose to go for the Fast Forward. To win the Fast Forward, they will need to water ski one mile down a river that has a sign reading “Danger Crocodiles.” A mile is a long way, but they knock out the task like champs and get to skip all tasks, checking in at the pit stop as team number one. Nice.

Put a bro on some water skis and see what true happiness looks like.

The BFFs realize that Team Bro already did the Fast Forward, so they dive into the Road Block. This Road Block requires teams to deliver two goats upstream by canoe. The goats are adorable, but not thrilled about being in a canoe. Also, upstream means “against the current,” so the task is not nearly as easy as it sounds.

The Newlyweds also get a speeding ticket and are sent to the police station, and YouTube are very, very lost. BFFs pass My Family Is Famous on their way back from the goat drop-off. They are followed closely behind by Permullet and My Family Is Famous, who must be professional goat canoers because they pass Roller Derby on the river.

YouTube and the Newlyweds arrive at the task together, but the Newlyweds have to complete a Speed Bump which requires them to string a beaded skirt and do some sort of “seduction dance” before they can float the goats.

Team BFF are the first to arrive at the Detour, where teams must choose between Brains and Brawn. In Brains, the teams go on a horseback safari and must remember what animal cutouts they see along the way which sounds extraordinarily boring. Brawn involves stacking firewood on a cart and using a carrot and stick to coax donkeys into delivering the firewood down the road. BFFs go with Braun, and Permullet go with the thing called “brains,” naturally. Joining the BFFs at the donkey pen are My Family Is Famous and Roller Derby. BFF fills their cart with sticks and they’re off! I said they’re off! They pull, they dangle a carrot, they pet the donkeys, but nothing will get those stubborn beasts to move. So they take a risk and switch tasks.

Back at the river, YouTube is having a very tough time with the canoe. When they finally deliver the goats, the Newlyweds have almost caught up. Donkey delivery isn’t going much better as My Family Is Famous drives their cart into a thicket, allowing Roller Derby to pass them on the dirt road and check in as team number two.  My Family Is Famous checks in seconds later as team number three.

Permullet get some brains and check in at the pit stop as team number four, while the BFFs lose their brains and have to start the task from the beginning. The second time isn’t a charm, and BFF make the same mistake again, so they give up and head back to the donkey task.

The Newlyweds and YouTube chase each other with donkey carts and check in at the pit stop as teams number five and six. That means the BFFs are the last team to arrive, and they are eliminated from the race.

Next week, the teams go to Switzerland and repeat that challenge with the giant wheels of cheese sliding down the side of a mountain, so that should be fun.

Reprinted with permission from www.travelfreak.com

Welcome to Season 22 of The Amazing Race! Let’s meet the teams. Per usual, I am not going to bother learning all of their names but will instead refer to them based solely upon first impressions and/or stereotypes:

• Idries and Jamill are twins, and they’re both OG/GYNs? The Vulva Gyno Twins.

• Mona and Beth are mothers who like to toss on some wheels and beat the crap out of each other. Welcome to the race, Team Roller Derby.

• Chuck and Wynona. Oh dear. He’s got a Permullet, the rarest mullet of them all.

• Caroline is a descendant of Daniel Boone, and Jen is John Wayne’s granddaughter. And yes, that sound you hear is The Duke rolling over in his grave. I have dubbed them Team My Family Is Famous, but reserve the right to start calling them Botox.

• Pamela and Winnie are best friends and I like them already because they are semi-devious and not at all insane. So go Team BFF!

• Matthew and Daniel are firefighters. It’s weird, because I thought all firefighters were hot. Anyway, Team Not Hot.

• Max and Katie are the obligatory Newlyweds who will fight and whine and call each other “babe.”

• Anthony and Bates are brothers and professional hockey players. I don’t know much about hockey so for now I’ll just call them Team Bro.

• David and Conner are father and son, and they may also be the models from The Photo That Came With Your Picture Frame.

• Joey and Meghan are both YouTube hosts (I didn’t know that was a thing but it is now my dream job), so I will call them Team YouTube.

• John and Jessica are Team Pretty Pretty Pretty because, well, they’re not giving me much else to work with here.

The teams start out at the Griffin Conservatory in Los Angeles and are headed to Bora Bora where one team member must jump out of a perfectly good helicopter. The winner of the first leg will win not one but TWO express passes—one for themselves, and one to bestow upon another team at some point before the fourth leg.

There are two flights to Bora Bora, and only the first five teams will get on the first flight that lands one hour ahead. Somehow Permullet gets to the airport first, followed by BFF, The Gyno Twins, Pretty Pretty Pretty and The Photo In Your Picture Frame. They make a pact that the winning team will give the second express pass to whichever one of them comes in second, and make a second pact to not speak about Express Pass Club.

There’s a sign-up sheet for one of six helicopter flights, which means they’re going in pairs. After willing yourself to jump out of a helicopter, freefalling, and hopefully landing on, well, land, the teams must go to a beach where the non-jumping teammate will dig through four hundred sandcastles to find the next clue. Oh, and whatever sandcastle is destroyed must be rebuilt. So, fun! Right? Wrong. There isn’t enough sunblock in the world to get teams through this challenge alive.

Digging digging digging, building building building (I’m not sure why everyone is being such a perfectionist with the sandcastles—fill ’em up and dump ’em out!), and Pretty Pretty Pretty are the first to find a clue. Teams must assemble an outrigger canoe and paddle to the pit stop at a beachside café.

The second batch of teams show up to the sandcastle nightmare. Hockey Bro, who have been on the beach for all of two minutes, find the next clue. Hmm. That throws a bit of a wrench into the Express Pass Pact.

Team Pretty Pretty Pretty checks in first, winning the two express passes, and Hockey Bro paddles to a second place finish. Next to get a clue is The Photo That Came With Your Picture Frame (which means they should get the second Express Pass). Shortly after is Roller Derby, then BFFs. But, BFFs are super fast paddlers and inch out Roller Derby for the fourth spot.

The rest of the teams are cracking under the heat of the sun. Team YouTube finds a clue and check in as team number six. Finally The Gyno Twins pull a clue out of the sand, but their canoe tips over which allows Permullet to grab the seventh spot. A very soggy set of doctors check in with Phil as team number eight.

Back at the beach, Not Hot is complaining about how hot it is, and the Newlyweds’ natural Buffalo tan turns an amazing shade of mahogany. Then something incredible happens—the teams yell out a collective, “I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!” Rather than continue the futile task of digging and building sandcastles (and risk a visit from Phil on a lonely beach as the sun dips below the horizon), the three remaining teams (Not Hot, My Family Is Famous, and Newlyweds) agree to skip the task and take the four-hour penalty.

So that just leaves a mad paddle to the finish. First to tip over is Not Hot, the Newlyweds call each other “baby” a half dozen times, and Botox use all of their Zumba skills to pass the fledgling firefighters. In the end, the Newlyweds come in ninth and My Family Is Famous comes in tenth. You can almost catch the moment it dawns on them that a four-hour penalty is, like, a lot. But, at least they’re not last like the firefighters. So long, boys.

Next week, Pretty Pretty Pretty wiggle out of the Express Pass Pact and someone ruptures their Achilles tendon.