Reprinted with permission from www.moderndaymom.com

Caroline

Caroline’s daughter, Lauren, calls herself “a grown-ass woman,” but her father reminds her that she is a grown-ass woman mooching off of her parents.  Caroline’s sister, Fran, is also living in Caroline’s house and is considerate enough of a houseguest to take in a three-legged foster dog.  While sitting around the breakfast bar like a big, happy family, Caroline tells her husband that she’s asking Teresa to meet with her to talk about Teresa’s brother’s concerns. Caroline makes a half-hearted attempt at acting like she is not totally excited about getting into the middle of this, but even Fran’s three-legged dog isn’t buying it.

Teresa

Teresa is in the kitchen mushing gruel around in a pan  (with her cookbook prominently product placemented on the counter) while her kids yell at each other. She tells them to sit down, shut up, and make cards for either Nono, or Hobo. Whichever, I’m sure he’ll love the sentiment.

Caroline’s text arrives, and Teresa asks Kim for advice about meeting with Caroline (while wearing a bedazzled trucker hat that is probably meant to drown out the voices). When Teresa gets home, she tells her husband, Joe, that Caroline wants to meet with her to tawk about everything. Joe tells Teresa to demand an apology and leave if she doesn’t get one, so I’m guessing it is going to be a very short meeting.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline is doing a video blog for Parenting Magazine which, holy hell, really? She is offering parenting advice?  I mean good for her telling the story about how she realized her kid had autistm, but really, perhaps the family that has the cameras in their faces twenty-four-seven is not the family others’ should turn to for insight. But what do I know, I have a cat.

Meanwhile, Melissa’s husband is talking to Jacqueline’s husband about Viagra. Pass the brain bleach! He invites everybody over for dinner. When they arrive, the boys plus Rosie go off to play poker. The men have lots of questions for Rosie. Is she a boobs or ass girl? Boobs. Has she ever been with a man? No. Men. Always so flummoxed that a woman wouldn’t want to have anything to do with their manliness.

Aw, that’s sweet. Jacqueline’s husband taught her son to say, “I love you,” which gives Jacqueline hope that he is capable of so much more (the son, not the husband). And I’m not even going to get into how the parroted words were bribed with a lollipop, because it doesn’t even matter. It was sweet.

Kathy

Kathy and her husband, Rich, try to teach their idiot son, Joseph, how to drive. It’s scary. Real scary.  The kid is a moron and ought to come with a warning label not to operate heavy machinery. They then pick up their daughter, Victoria, from Caldwell College, a school for nuns, nunnery, and possibly nunsense.  Ooh. I actually know a professor at Caldwell College. Lucky for Victoria he is too ethical to dish the dirt.

Melissa

Melissa gets a visitor. It’s Jerry, a real estate agent who has been trying to unload their McMansion for the past six months, but nobody wants a house with a coating of gold paint and desperation. Why is Melissa selling this palace? Because she doesn’t want her kids going to school with Teresa’s kids. Yeah. Because but for Teresa’s kids, Melissa’s kids would be Nobel Peace Prize winners.

Jerry hosts an open house for potential buyers, and for some reason Melissa thinks it’s a good idea to have kids running around the house while the buyers are touring the property. Oh, ha! A sink handle in the master bathroom falls off in the buyer’s hands, and there’s a massive crack in the vanity that reveals it’s wood with a faux marble coating. Well what do you expect for $3.8 million? A real marble vanity? What do you think this is, the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills?

The Big Showdown Between Teresa And Caroline

Teresa begins by telling Caroline how good she looks, and she does look good, for Caroline. Teresa doesn’t like Caroline getting in the middle, especially (or, rather, “expecially”) since Caroline has yet to mend fences with her own sister, Dina. She notes that “it’s like the Italians say, ‘when the third person comes in, it causes more problems.’” The Italians were probably talking about the bedroom, but whatever. Caroline then shoots back something about Kim D., and wants to know how Teresa can call her a friend. Then there’s tawk about Jacqueline being “a true and loyal friend,” and Teresa being a different person, and I’m lost. The purpose of this meeting is a little unclear. But wait! A breakthrough! If Melissa admits that she was “a f***ing bitch,” then Teresa will admit that she was “a f***ing bitch.” So…progress?

Next week, that moron of a kid takes his father’s (probably rented) Ferrari out for a spin, and Melissa and Teresa have a meeting of the minds, minus the minds.

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Reprinted with permission from www.moderndaymom.com

Welcome to another calm, peaceful, uneventful season of The Real Housewives of New Jersey, where blood is thicker than war-der. Ha, just kidding. They’re all ready to kill each other, or at least take a swipe at Teresa’s weave.

But first, it’s A Very Special Episode of The Real Housewives, as they each drive through the destruction from Hurricane Sandy in Seaside Heights, New Jersey. Second homes have been destroyed, people! Melissa and Joe walk into a soaking wet mess, and Teresa finds Joe cleaning up the debris in their summer home. Sadly, all of Teresa’s tacky tchotchkes have been washed out to sea. Mention is made of the people who lost everything, and that means we’re done with the obligatory, “We’re good people, see?” portion of the show. And now, the good stuff.

Teresa

Teresa emphasizes the importance of helping others to her kids, and explains that people are in dire need of glamorous clothing and shoes. In an act of kindness and compassion, Teresa’s kids donate some of their age-inappropriate clothing to the victims of Hurricane Sandy, so that in addition to storm victims, they can also be fashion victims.

In violation of a strict Do Not Speak To The Giudices mandate, one of Melissa’s kids writes one of Teresa’s kids a letter to say that she misses her, which is cute. It’s good to use your kids as pawns in a family feud because it won’t mess them up at all. One kid calls the other, while a third shows the letter to Papa Giudice who mumbles and grumbles something about strippers. Then, Teresa takes her twelve-year-old, Gia, clothes shopping, and is told not to do that squeaky voice ever again because it’s embarrassing. Thank you, Gia. For this one fleeting moment, you are the voice of reason. Gia then dresses herself up in a skirt from The Hooker Kollection for Kidz and tells her mother, “I kind of like a guy, and the guy likes me.” Aww. They grow up so fast.

Jacqueline

Jacqueline talks about her three-year-old’s autism. Good for her, shoving cameras and lighting in an autistic child’s face all day. That’s gotta be super duper helpful. The sad thing is, Jacqueline noticed a huge improvement in her child during the hurricane, when she and her husband were home with him all day. Um, yeah. Maybe do more of that and less of this?

Later, Jacqueline gets trapped talking about the Melissa-Teresa feud with Caroline. She says that hearing about the family drama is “right up there on my priority list with bleaching my a**hole.” So maybe there’s hope for this a**hole yet.

Caroline

Caroline is “considering downsizing,” which means renting an apartment in Hoboken with her deadbeat daughter. Melissa and Joe visit and Melissa explains that she is uncomfortable dropping her kid off at Teresa’s house. She texts Teresa to tell her that she wants to take the kids out for a play date. Joe prompts Teresa to reply that she wants to take the kids out. Then Melissa replies that she wants to be the one to take the kids, and, really? This is beyond inane. Finally, someone has the bright idea for everyone to take the kids out together.

Because Caroline wasn’t done talking about the Melissa-Teresa feud with Jacqueline, she has a sit-down with Melissa’s husband, Joe. You see, Caroline “made a promise to myself not to get involved, but….”

Kathy

Nobody is interested in Kathy, right? Okay, good. Moving on!

Melissa

Melissa and her husband talk about The Great Giudice Battle Of 2012. Apparently it’s all Teresa’s fault, because Teresa tawks about Melissa being a stripper. Wait, I thought Jacqueline was the stripper. Huh. Okay. More strippers.

Thanks to the whining of two little children who are used to getting their way, both Melissa and Teresa take the girls out to make jewelry at a place that’s filled with beads and baubles and blings. While the kids are stringing necklaces, Teresa tries talking to Melissa, but Melissa is having none of it and spends the time staring out into space and flipping her hair. Which is probably fairly normal for Melissa, but still. Since it’s not about the kids at all, the children are whisked away in separate cars, to separate homes, never to see each other again.

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