Rachel Zoe is frustrated that her sequined maxi skirts didn’t sell in the United States, so she goes to Paris and tries to pawn them off on Europeans. Her husband, Roger, has red dots all over his body. Does he have bedbugs? I hope he has bedbugs. Or, as they say in Paris, le cooties. 

Rachel stumbles upon her toddler in a park and takes him on a carousel. These are all things Rachel Zoe says while on the carousel:

• OMG. OMG I’m going up and down.
• OMG, I’m going to die, get me off of it.
• OMG, OMG, can someone make this stop?
• OMG. There are so many germs on this thing.
• Carousel man, can we stop? I’m literally dying.

Rachel then causes chaos within her own company when she tells her minions that they need to send her more maxi skirts, which are like regular skirts only “to the max.” She wants them packed up and shipped to her in Paris yesterday, which she thinks is possible because of the difference in time zones. I’m a little unclear on why this task is so stressful. It’s literally putting dresses in garment bags and placing those bags in a box.

Speaking of minions, there is a weird, whiny little man in charge of painting Rachel’s face onto her skull. She calls him Joey, like a baby kangaroo. His job is awful.

Rachel Zoe strung together a medley of words about Paris fashion week:

• Every time I go to a Valentino show, I get kind of emotional.
• Going to a Chanel show, for me, every time is like the first time.
• The femininity, the youthfulness, the richness.
• I love tiaras, I wear them all day on my birthday.
• I think if you don’t stand for what you believe in, nobody believes you.
• Well it’s Montaigne Market. If you don’t come here, you come nowhere.

Next week, Rachel tries to figure out how to fit all of her maxi dresses into one Manhattan apartment.

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Lots of people told Rachel Zoe that they loved her runway show. So many, in fact, that she found two positive reviews in honest-to-goodness publications. The problem is, people don’t like her clothes, like, to wear.

After being grilled on camera about exactly how much they liked the collection during what was supposed to be a perfunctory market meeting between Nordstrom buyers and The Assistant Who Has An Ulcer, three blond ladies were at a loss for complimentary words. It was made even more awkward when Rachel Zoe herself rolled in, blathering on and on and on about how fabulous her clothes are how everyone is going to want to wear sequins because they are shiny and new. But good on those three blond buyers, because they did not yes Rachel to death. Instead, the most sugar coating they could offer was “I’m not sure our customer would wear that” and walked off with nothing more than a promise to consider an order for mint green leather shorts.

Some things we heard upon Rachel’s return to Los Angeles, organized in order of coherence, from Almost English to Gobbledygook:

• “You look amazing.” “Thank you, you look maj.”
• “Eileen is the newest member of my styling team, and she’s maj.”
• “New York was cray cray you guys.”
• “I literally can’t this morning”
• “These bangs are confusing me and you know I don’t like to look in a mirror.”

Rachel shlepped her crying toddler into work and dressed him in a fedora and beaded necklace because every small human needs accessories.

One of the office people has to explain to The Assistant Who Has An Ulcer that Rachel’s signature “maxi” pieces aren’t selling because nobody wants to wear a tent’s worth of fabric. They contemplate how, exactly, to break the bad news to their boss, and decide to go with the “good news, bad news” approach.

Unfortunately, there is no good news. When Rachel hears that nobody wants a floor length dress, she declares it “fashion bullshit,” which may be a type of Fabric Fatwa. Not knowing how to process this information, Rachel puts on a fur hat to make herself feel better, and it is one of the few likable moments of the entire show.

Next week, it’s the runways of Paris which are probably literally maj. Or something.

Photo by bravotv.com

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