Oh hey there, and welcome to Splash, the worst show on television, where we watch marginally rememberable humans jump into a vat of water. But before we get going, let’s meet the contestants:

• Kareem Abdul-Jabbar  One of basketball’s most famous tall people
• Louie Anderson  Emmy Award winning (really?) comedian who looks like the illegitimate love child of John Candy and Chris Farley
• Drake Bell  Something about a Nickelodeon show
• Chuy Bravo  Chelsea Handler’s assistant, which qualifies him for the Sidekick Union
• Rory Bushfield  He skis, and not even in the Olympics
• Nicole Eggert  Official Red Bathing Suit Baywatch Slow Motion Beach Runner and star of Charles In Charge
• Keshia Knight Pulliam  Rudy Huxtable and star of The House of Payne
• Ndamukong Suh  Detroit Lions defensive player (that’s football, BTW) and generally charitable human
• Katherine Webb  Miss USA 2012 10th Runner Up
• Kendra Wilkinson  Former property of Hugh Hefner

Before we can get to the diving, we receive some bad news. Chuy Bravo, marginally better known as “Chewie,” broke his heel and cannot continue on in the competition. But then there’s good news! Chewie will be replaced by Brandi Chastain, a professional soccer player for a team called the California Storm, and something about the Women’s World Cup Finals, which I did not know existed.

OMG! It’s Olympic gold medalist Greg Louganis, and he is teaching these yahoos to dive! And he’s old, which means I’m waaay old. Do you people even know who Greg Louganis is? No? Okay, moving on.

Brandi dives first, and it’s a kerplop. One of the judges has a hard time forming complete sentences and gives her an 8, which I assume is out of 10. Very Serious Judge gives her a 6. The live studio audience will also score the dives, and the two contestants with the lowest scores will compete in a dive-off.

Drake starts out on the 7 meter platform, which translates to 23 feet. He over-rotates, and it’s a mess. But, good spin? Serious Judge says his perfectly pointed toes earn him an 8. The other guy wants him to relax and chill out a bit and gives him a 7.5

Next up is Nicole Eggert. Oh my, a lot has happened since Baywatch. She slipped off of the diving platform during her pre-dive, which is just like a regular dive only earlier. Nicole is crying, and her mascara is running, and her daughter is in the audience, and just hurl yourself over the edge already! Her dive is from the 16 foot platform, so big deal. She does less of a dive and more of upside down drop, and that guy who is giving out scores rambles on about tabloids and awesomeness and finally says the number 8. Serious Judge gives her a 7.5.

Ndamukong hit his nose on the bottom of the pool (that can happen, I guess?), but it’s a minor scratch so he soldiers on. His dive is practically from the side of the pool, and it’s a hot mess. His legs are splayed, he over-rotates, and it’s just awful. Serious Judge gives him a 6.5, and that other guy wakes up from a nap to give him a 7.

Kendra is up next. Surely diving is easier than sleeping with Hugh Hefner, right? Hahaha, Kendra has no idea why she’s famous, so good for her. You take your money, gurl. Her dive is a sloppy second, with legs flying everywhere and an unintentional half-twist. The dummy on the side of the pool gives her an 8.5, and Serious Judge gives her a much more realistic 7.

Once the audience scores are combined, we learn that the two divers safe from elimination are Nicole and Kendra. Big shocker there, the two ladies who made their money off of tits and ass are guaranteed to return next week. That means Brandi, Drake and Ndamukong are up for elimination. Two will be “diving for their life,” which, really. If you tell me someone will be “diving for their life,” there had better be a shark tank and a bucket of chum involved. Those two contestants are Brandi and Ndamukong.

Greg Louganis gives some meaningless advice that the divers can’t even hear, and Brandi is up first. Her dive looks like a regular old-fashioned dive, only maybe backwards? I am not impressed. The big guy is up next, with the same dive he did before only more splashy. The idiot judge deems Brandi’s dive “way better,” and Serious Judge agrees. That means Ndamukong Suh gets to go home and try to regain a little bit of his dignity.

Next week, the stars are paired up for combination dives.

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