Hannah is having some hearing problems following a brutal stabbing with a Q-tip. Googling “ruptured eardrum q-tip” leads to her posing dozens and dozens of medical questions to the Internet. Wait, I recognize this…it’s called procrastination.

You see, Hannah has an e-book to write, and her editor’s unreasonable one-month deadline is tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, tick, seven, eight, away. David, the editor, explains that Hannah got her check, and now it’s his turn to get the pages, and if she doesn’t cough them up, lawsuit.

Hannah calls her father for sympathy and explains the whole potential lawsuit thing before asking to borrow the money to pay back the advance so that she can “restore a little freedom to my process.” Her father says that he feels jerked around and manipulated and asks if she’s been taking her pills. She insists that she has, but anyone who has seen the past few episodes knows that she has not.

Marnie is pissed that Charlie got better at sex because that means he’s been practicing with other woment. Shoshanna, on the other hand, is not enjoying sex with Ray, which turns into a debate about which one is being weird and ends with “will you get out of me?” Ray’s lack of ambition is wearing on Shoshanna, because she is a special person who expects her man to take care of her in the lifestyle to which she has somehow become accustomed despite not having a job, a career, or a brain.

Adam’s girlfriend is training him to have sex like a normal person, which begins with not calling her a dirty little whore. Good luck with that, hon.

Marnie and Charlie go to a touchy-feely brunch. She explains that they had their experiences and can finally settle down, which takes him by surprise because he was not aware that they were dating. She storms out of the restaurant and he follows because he’s still Charlie. He loves her, she loves him, booooring.

Ray tells his boss that he wants to finish up his Ph.D. in Latin studies. But Ray’s boss is a realist, so he asks Ray to be in charge of the new Grumpys that he’s opening in Brooklyn Heights and lets Ray give himself the fancy title “District Chief Logistics and Operations Supervisor” to impress Shoshanna. But Shoshanna is not impressed and breaks up with Ray in the most demeaning and self-involved way possible. “Okay, I love you? So much? Like to the ends of the earth and back. But some ways I love you the way I feel sorry for a monkey, they need so much help and they’re in such an ugly cage, you know what I mean?” Ray is a negative person, and Shoshanna can’t be around that much darkness because it scares the unicorns and bunnies away.

Marnie visits Hannah who is holed up in her apartment eating a tub of something that may be Cool Whip. As Marnie enters the apartment (do you people never change your locks?), Hannah hides behind the bed while Marnie reads the one sentence in a document titled “My Book”: A friendship between college girls is grander and more dramatic than any romance… Aww, it’s a tired plot device where Hannah is writing a book about the show we’re already watching! That’s so cute.

Hannah is not in any condition to write a book, but she is in the right state of mind to cuts her own hair. Because she can’t reach the back, she asks her drug addict neigbor, Laird, to help. It looks predictably awful and she explains that her life is hard because nobody is looking out for her anymore. Then she gets dizzy and nauseous and Laird tells her that she is the most rotten and self involved person he has ever met. Me too, Laird. Me too.

Having reached the bottom of her list of friends, Hannah tries calling Jessa but it goes straight to voicemail. “Oh, hello, you fucker, are you kidding me? Where did you go and who am I supposed to talk to?” Yes, Hannah. It’s all about you.

Adam is working on the “artwork” that has consumed his living room. In the middle of smashing it all to bits in a frightening rage, Hannah calls. Or Facetimes. Or whatever kids do these days. She starts twitching, and Adam realizes that something is very wrong with her. He runs through Brooklyn shirtless, bolts up the stairs, smashes down Hannah’s door, and finds her hiding under the blanket wearing a hospital wristband. They make out, because rekindling a dysfunctional relationship is probably the best of all bad options for Hannah at the moment.

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