So, last night’s The Voice was an overproduced sh!tshow, what with Carson Daly yelling at the cameraman for being too close, and the cameraman trying SO hard to avoid Pitbull’s legendary stage boner and all. There were distracting pyrotechnics, Bruno Mars decided to be an O Jays cover band instead of Sting for the evening, and 4 girls werked in clashing dresses with black buckets on their feet.

Cher yowled with Sonic the Hedgehog on her head about how it’s a Woman’s World, which is not just a cheeseball weekly tabloid sold in supermarkets, but also a GREAT way for her to get banned from Fire Island for the summer.

The cute guys who sing a country song I actually like (“Cruise”) blew up a turkey fryer on stage. Then, Destiny’s Child reunited and holy crap, some of them turned white. That was actually pretty good.

At the end, two manscaped country boys and an adorable nerd girl lost out to a self-entitled blond kid with a fivehead in a mermaid prom gown, BECAUSE THAT’S WHAT MURRICA LIKES! Blond and Christian and Country–yee haw! Her parents wouldn’t even touch her when she won because they didn’t want evidence on her spangly frock when they make her death look like an accident.

Adam and Shakira simpered hotly, Usher got butch for 10 minutes in his camo capri pants, and Blake pretended to be drankin’ in his comfy Star Trek chair.

Carson Daly, you’re no Effie Trinket, but bring on The Hunger Games.

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