Reprinted with permission from www.survivingcollege.com

It’s morning at the White House, and President Nixon’s Head wants to watch cartoons. He flips on the teevee and settles into The Futurama and Friends Saturday Morning Fun Pit. Kicking off the wacky antics is Bendee Boo and the Mystery Crew.

So to avoid any confusion, I’ve made this handy dandy charticle:

Planet Express = Mystery Express

Hermes = Fred

Leela = Daphne

Amy (very improbably) = Velma

Fry = Shaggy

Bender = Scooby-Doo

We clear? Good. Here, have a Bendee Brew.

The gang is confused by a laugh track and drives the Mystery Express right into a mystery. To quell Fry’s hunger, Hermes pulls over at a kabuki theater where the group hopes to find a concession stand but instead find George Takei. Because nobody goes to kabuki theater anymore, the snacks are old and Fry and Bender eat them anyway.

For whatever reason, Zoidberg and Professor Farnsworth have a cloning lab in the theater. Naturally, the Harlem Globetrotters arrive to show off their moves. They’re in town for the big game and are helping their friends with the cloning machine. Oh good! They cloned Larry Bird! No, a whole team of Larry Birds!

I guess the very thin plot line is that the dragon ghost of the kabuki theater wants to stop the Harlem Globetrotters from practicing. The dragon ghost visits Fry in the middle of the night, and Hermes ties his ascot before organizing the worst search party ever.  Things get cloned, the dragon ghost takes a bathroom break, and Amy figures it out. It was Zoidberg! But when Leela goes to rip off Zoidberg’s mask, she gets his entire face. Luckily, the dragon ghost wandered into a cage, and it’s George Takei. But why’d he do it? Because he’s mentally ill. Mystery solved.

After practicing against five Larry Birds, the Harlem Globetrotters feel ready for their big game…against six Larry Birds. Sad trombone sound.

A crowd forms outside of the White House to protest cartoons. To pacify the huddled masses, President Nixon watches Purpleberry Pond, which I guess is a spoof on Strawberry Shortcake? It’s a cartoon that I’ve never actually seen (I was more of a Smurfs kind of gal), so we’re about to get very literal.

Leela is the Purple Princess. There’s a commercial for Sugar-Blasted Purpleberry Puffs, which are the sweetest part of your complete breakfast. Everything’s purple, and then Fry shows up. He’s Lord Loquat, and he’s orange.  But even though he’s different, everyone accepts him because the color of your berries doesn’t matter. Then, a commercial for Sugar-Blasted Purpleberry Puffs with Loquat Flavored Orange Berries. Yeah, this is looking a lot like my childhood.

There’s an evil Professor “berry burglar” who wants to get his hands on those healthy purpleberries, a flying Zoidberg, and it’s snowing sugar…which leads to a commercial for Sugar-Frosted Sugar-Blasted Purpleberry Puffs.

And now it’s time for G.I. Zapp, which is the code name for a heavily armed group of mercenaries. But the “stupid voters” are still unhappy because the cartoon is too violent. So President Nixon changes it to an elite group of peacekeepers, and everyone is happy.

G.I. Zapp is tracking A.C.R.O.N.Y.M., A Criminal Regiment Of Nasty Young Men. Something something something, lots of parachuting into enemy fire, the Professor has extraordinarily ripped abs, blood, violence, and it’s time for a P.S.A. Two kids fight over a football, and President Nixon’s Head has Agnew rip the football in half.  “Now You Know Something.”

And the moral of the story is, cartoons are fun and it’s a wonder we turned out so well.