Terrible Television » Anthony Bourdain

The Taste Finale: Triple Threat

misslinda — Wed, 13 Mar 2013 14:11:05 +0000

Reprinted with permission from www.healthywaytocook.com

We made it to the finale, and four cooks remain: Khristianne (Malarkey’s kitchen), Diane (Bourdain’s kitchen), Gregg (Ludo’s kitchen), and Sarah (pronounced Saaagggurglehhhaaa, from Ludo’s kitchen). The Taste is pulling out all the stops, playing super suspenseful music with quick cutaways of the contestants looking nervous, and bringing in world-renowned chef and restaurateur José Andrés as the guest judge.

Team Taste

The cooks must each prepare three spoonfuls of tapas in one hour that use at least one of three ingredients selected by the judges. The ingredients are mozzarella, Iberico ham, and spot prawns. The cook who prepares the spoonfuls that José Andrés likes the least will be eliminated from the competition. The mentors will be helping in the cooks’ kitchens, with Nigella, who has no chefs left, acting as a floating mentor.

Diane’s menu includes spot prawn with basil puree and tomato caviar, Iberico ham with quail egg and caviar, and mozzarella with mint and walnut accents. I have to be honest, the idea of mozzarella with walnuts triggers my gag reflex, and it has nothing to do with a walnut allergy.

Khristianne is cooking mozzarella with balsamic grapes, almonds and fried basil, Iberico ham with caviar, quail egg, tomato sauce and crispy bread, spot prawn with chimichurri, tomato and blood orange. She’s using a bit of molecular gastronomy with tapioca maltodextrin which she learned from, guess who? José Andrés. Oh, and did we somehow forget that Khristianne is Charlie Sheen’s personal chef? I’m not quite sure how that nugget of information fits into her cooking style, but I’m going to assume that she has a lot of burners going while preparing his meals.

Sarah’s spoons are prepared by the careful hands of Ludo, who does not leave her side except to give a cursory glance over at Gregg’s half of the kitchen. She is cooking mozzarella mouse with tomato confit and pesto bread, Iberico ham with a cheese stuffed date, and spot prawn with chorizo and orange cream sauce.

Gregg, the awkward third wheel on a date with Sarah and Ludo, prepares mozzarella with roasted red pepper, preserved lemon and almonds, spot prawn with caviar and potato chip, and Iberico ham with poached quail egg and ham chip.

After initially choking on her mozzarella dish, José compliments Khristianne’s spoons, and she swoons harder than a fourteen-year-old girl reading a tweet from Justin Bieber. He is less enthusiastic about her spot prawns, but her ham dish reminds him of home. Diane’s tapas spoonfuls all have the same problem—she overwhelms the spoons with one ingredient and loses the rest of the flavors. Gregg lived in Barcelona and worked in a Spanish restaurant, so he is surprised that José doesn’t just marry him on the spot. His first spoon lacks acidity, his prawn is disproportionate, and his ham dish is overly complicated. Sarah’s mozzarella is “very enjoyable,” her prawn lacks acidity (this guy really likes his acid!), and her date is too big for José’s mouth.

In the end, it’s Gregg who has the worst spoonfuls because Gregg is the worst person. Goodbye, Gregg. We will not miss you in the least. And with that, the three finalists are Khristianne, Diane, and Sarah. So…can we just give the prize to Khristianne and skip the rest of the formalities? No? Okay.

Solo Taste Test

It’s time for the main event, where the cooks have two hours to prepare three separate but complimentary courses, paired with a glass of wine. They will have the help of José Andrés in the kitchen, which fills Khristianne with both dread and delight.

Sarah tells José Andrés that she is making arctic char with fingerling potatoes, mushrooms, and jalapeno salad, a seared duck breast with braised fennel and red wine sauce, and beef tenderloin with creamy shallot confit. But, she says it in such a lackadaisical manner that I’m afraid her food might bore her to death before she gets her spoons to the judge’s table. José suspects that her calm demeanor has something to do with being lost.

Khristianne is combining her Portuguese and Filipino backgrounds to create a progression from the air (Peking duck with chive pancake, pear and radish slaw) to the land (braised short ribs with bok choy, mushrooms and squash purée) to the sea (seafood bouillabaisse with sea bass). José is impressed, and reminds her that her background is a very important ingredient in the dishes.

Diane is making sea urchin with butter mousse, lobster and caviar, a seared scallop with quail egg and daikon salad, and some halibut with mushrooms, bok choy and lobster sauce. José warns her that it all sounds just too much for three little spoonfuls, but Diane is undeterred. She is also using a smoker for the first time ever, which is a huge risk that she doesn’t even recognize as a risk because “you can only learn if you make mistakes.” Well, yes, but this isn’t supposed to be a learning experience.

It’s time to taste some spoons:

First up is Diane. The judges like her sea urchin, they think her sea scallop is missing something, but the halibut is a nice finish.

It’s Khristianne’s turn. They like her duck but they wanted more of it on the spoon, her octopus is “perfect,” and the short ribs have too much purée.

Sarah is last, and I’m hoping the judges spit out at least one of her spoonfuls. The judges think the flavors in her arctic char are not well married, her duck has good flavor, and her beef tenderloin is simple but charming.

The judges don’t have a clear favorite, and Tony says that he could “viciously argue” any one of the trios. But a decision must be made, and a winner must be crowned, so to the magic buttons!

Let’s start with the loser. Third place is Saaaaggggaahhh. Hahahahaha, ha. Second place is Diane, and the winner is Khristianne, just as it should be! Nice work, ladies. Can someone please get Khristianne her own cooking show so that she doesn’t have to go back to Charlie Sheen? He’s just going to crash her new car and blow her winnings on candy.

The Taste Episode 7: Appetite For Seduction

misslinda — Wed, 06 Mar 2013 17:06:17 +0000

Reprinted with permission from www.healthywaytocook.com

It’s the semi-finals! Three of the seven cooks are going home, and no more immunity. Today’s guest judge is restaurateur Ingrid Hoffmann, who will judge the Team Challenge and mentor the team of the winning cook for the Individual Challenge.

Team Challenge

The mentors choose five sexy ingredients, and the cooks must use one as the main ingredient in a sensuous spoonful. Nigella selects figs, pancetta, sea salt, sambuca, and beef for her sole cook Kathy Bates Lauren. Anthony chooses caviar, prosciutto, buckwheat flour, truffles, and prawns to get Diane’s juices flowing. Ludo picks lobster, dover sole, champagne, caviar, and truffles for his three-person team, and Malarkey gives Khristianne and Jeff oysters, lobster, caviar, abalone, and grapes.

Malarkey puts up Jeff’s spoon, which is oyster with passionfruit and caviar. Ingrid finds it to be nice and soft and fresh. The next spoon is Diane’s grilled prawn with butter bisque and shaved truffle. Ingrid couldn’t quite place the sauce. After a session of bedroom eyes, Ludo chooses Sarah’s spoonful of panna cotta with caviar and caramel sauce. Ingrid is not a fan of caramel, but thinks that it has a nice spicy kick at the back. Kathy Bates Lauren loads up a spoon with Italian kisses with blackberry and chocolate sauce. Ingrid calls it interesting, but is confused about the protein. Ingrid selects Sarah’s panna cotta as the sexiest spoonful, which is Team Ludo’s fourth win in a row. That makes Ludo a good mentor, but it does not necessarily make his team good cooks.

Individual Challenge

The cooks have one hour to make the most seductive spoons of their lives, and pair them with a beverage. Chocolate, octopus stew, Bourdain doesn’t find desserts sexy, uni, caviar, Nigella likes it a little rough, mussels, sashimi, artichoke, mouth explosions, broth, pasta, and deep fried butter. Somehow, the cooks turned all of that into sexy little spoonfuls.

Jeff prepared snapper and uni sashimi with a sake gimlet. “I was looking for a higher bar.”

Lauren made a spicy octopus stew with tequila. Note to self: corn chips are not sexy.

Diane serves up a chocolate pate with cherries and a glass of Malbec. “First it’s the champagne and oysters, and then it’s the chocolate, and then it’s time to go get a little bang bang bang bang.”

Paul made king crab, artichoke and octopus with a verbena champagne cocktail. “If you’re gonna do octopus, you’d better nail it.”

Khristianne cooked uni, king crab and egg 63 with champagne. “I’m a big nasty slut, take me now.”

Gregg prepared caviar and uni butter pasta with champagne. “Plump, semi-engorged sacs of eggs, who doesn’t like them?”

Sarah cooked mussels with leeks and sangria. “The drink is absolutely wrong.”

Gregg and Sarah are safe and are in the finals. Tony’s best is, unsurprisingly, Khristianne’s uni, and his worst is Paul’s octopus. Malarkey’s best is also Khristianne’s uni, and his worst is Lauren’s stew. Nigella’s best is Jeff’s sashimi, and her worst is Diane’s chocolate bang bang. Ludo’s best is Khristianne’s uni, and his worst is Jeff’s sashimi.

A stunned Khristianne gets three of the four judges’ votes for best dish.

Conveniently, that puts one cook from each of the four kitchens on the chopping block. After gushing over Khristianne’s dish, the judges unanimously send Paul and Lauren home, or wherever failed reality television contestants go. And between Diane and Jeff, the judges decide to give the last spot in the finals to Diane and cut Jeff. Next week is the finals, with Gregg, Sarah, Khristianne, and Diane all competing for…I don’t even remember. Probably a set of steak knives and a year’s supply of Turtle Wax.

The Taste Episode 6: Nose to Tail to Sweetbreads

misslinda — Wed, 27 Feb 2013 17:02:01 +0000

Reprinted with permission from www.healthywaytocook.com

Frédéric Morin and David McMillan, chefs at Montreal’s Joe Beef, will be our guest judges because this week, it’s all about meat. But not just any old cut of meat. The cooks are frying up the off cuts. Offal. Trotters, ears, eyeballs, balls, the yummy parts.

Team Challenge

The cooks have two hours to make one spoon featuring at least one of four ingredients selected by their mentors. The person who wins immunity cannot be considered for the bottom four, and three people will go home. Three people? Wow. It’s a bloodbath before the cooks even make it to the kitchen! The winning cook’s team will get Fred and Dave’s help in the kitchen for the individual challenge.

Nigella selects ham hock, sweetbreads, pig ears, and bull testicles for her sole cook, Lauren. Malarkey chooses yellowtail collar, sweetbreads, pig tongue, and lamb belly. Tony is in his happy place and picks tripe, cow tongue, sweetbreads, and pig tail. Ludo gives his kitchen oxtail, pig head, beef cheeks, and pig’s blood. It sounds delicious already.

I’m recognizing too many body parts here. There’s a pig tail getting chopped to bits, tongues, blood, balls, and everyone turns into a twelve-year-old boy. As if there wasn’t enough blood and guts going on in the kitchen, Gregg hacks up a pig’s head with a chainsaw. This is only rivaled by the disgusting display of Ludo gazing at Sarah, like a French bulldog in heat. In order to cook the pig’s head in time, Gregg cranks up the heat on the pressure cooker to “explosion.” It’s okay to be disappointed that he didn’t sustain any serious facial injuries, right?

Tony puts up Uno’s tripe with cow tongue and pig tail, Nigella chooses her only cook’s ham and lentil stew with a testicle fritter, Malarkey picks Khristianne’s pork tongue, sweetbreads, and bone marrow, and Ludo hates us all so he selects Gregg’s piggy pig’s head. The judges disappoint everyone and choose Gregg’s spoon for the win.

Once again, Team Ludo celebrates their win in the team challenge.

Individual Challenge

The cooks are given two hours to create a spoon featuring an off cut piece of meat. Gregg is making something Asian, Diane is using beef cheeks, Paul is mixing sweetbreads with too many starches, Adam’s making veal sweetbreads, Khristianne’s making sweetbreads with a veal reduction because “I had this in my baby bottle,” NinaMarie is totally grossed out and chooses veal sweetbreads, and isn’t the kitchen out of sweetbreads by now? Uno’s making a shrimp soup dumpling, and Kathy Bates Lauren (thank you for that one, Diane) is making Thai food.

And then, something wonderful happens. Gregg slices a piece of his finger off. Now, I don’t wish pain on anyone, but…if one of the cooks had to slice their finger off, I would nominate Gregg. And I’d choose his index finger. On his dominant hand.

Diane made braised beef cheeks with turnip puree.

Gregg cooked pho with oxtail and calf tongue.If there was some meat there it would’ve been nice….

NinaMarie’s sweetbreads with pork skin and veal falls flat.Sweetbreads? Again?

Adam combined Thai style sweetbreads with pork rinds and kabocha squash puree.What is it?

Khristianne’s crispy sweetbreads and pig ear with caper beurre blanc is just like mamma used to make.Perfectly balanced. I can’t find fault with that dish.

Uno cooked pork dumpling soup with fried shrimp heads.

Jeff made rabbit galantine with pork and chicken livers.Sweet. Really sweet.

Paul cooked sweetbreads with oxtail jus and celery root puree.It had a little tooth to it.

Sarah kept it simple with liver and onions.

Lauren cooked Thai pork cheeks and fried sweetbreads over rice.I can’t taste the protein.

How did the cooks do? Nigella’s best is Khristianne’s sweetbreads, and her worst is Adam’s sweetbreads. Ludo’s best is Jeff’s rabbit, and his worst is Uno’s soupy pork and shrimp. Malarkey’s best is Khristianne’s dish, and his worst is Lauren’s Thai disaster. Tony’s best is Uno’s pork and shrimp (which is Ludo’s worst), and his worst is Nina Marie’s veal. Khristianne earns two gold stars, so she’s this week’s winner (and is a real contender to win the entire competition).

Nina Marie, Adam, Uno, and Lauren are all up for elimination. Uno is in the odd position of having a vote for the best and worst dish. Malarkey doesn’t think shrimp embraced the challenge and Ludo didn’t like the interior of Uno’s dumplings, Adam made a mushy spoon that didn’t take a risk, Nina Marie’s dish tasted sour, and Tony held back his real criticism of Lauren’s dish because he has seen Misery too many times.

The cooks are all in denial that they’re going home, but the math never lies—three of the four cooks are goners. With a unanimous vote, Adam and NinaMarie take the long walk to the locker room. The third chop was tougher. Because Uno didn’t really tackle the challenge, the judges send her home. That means Nigella’s kitchen remains open for business with Lauren flailing about and missing the mark more often than not.

It appears that next week is the finale of The Taste, and it’s all about sexy food.